I write to you from a seat at Gate 26 in Las Vegas, *patiently awaiting my flight to take me back to Portland, where I will slumber for 6 hours and then excitedly arise to educate **eager young minds. And as tired as I am and will be tomorrow, I can’t help feeling stoked that I met one of my big goals this year. And as some of you may have suspected, I did not blow off the 13.1 miles of exercise for a marathon of drinking. Tempting as it may have been. There were moments when the signs for cheap beer sounded like a hell of a lot more fun than running/walking in the freezing cold. But I did it! I completed the ½ marathon in less than 4 hours..which is when they were going to start pulling people off the course. I had this vision of running and hiding from the shuttle vans that were picking up people too slow to finish the race. Actually that might have been fun now that I think about it.
So my goal was just to finish, and I wasn’t really giving too much of a rat’s ass how long it took me. I originally intended on walking the whole thing, but there were some spurts I just felt like running, even if it was just a couple blocks and I wanted to pass somebody because I was sick of staring at their asses. I ended up running a portion of each mile, so I was feeling pretty good about that. I was moving the entire time, with the exception of the 10 minute stop at the Honey Buckets. And NO, I was not in the honey bucket for the whole time….ewwwwwww!!!!! The lines were just REALLY long…although there was one really pushy grandma behind me who told me to hurry it up next time. What did she think I was doing in there? Having a tea party!?! You can kiss the fattest part of my ass, granny!
So after that, I was rockin’ and grooving to my play list and just taking it one mile at a time. Until I was on the ninth mile. That mile went on F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I had my I Pod on pretty loud, so I didn’t notice that mumbling to myself was actually out loud for others to hear. So when I “muttered” “Where the fuck is mile 9?!?!” a gentleman to my left told me we had passed it a while ago and we were coming up on mile 10. Oops. Well, 10 down…3 to go!
It wasn’t until I finished the race that I realized my feet were murdering me and my blisters were epic nasty – I was just too busy trying to get to the finish line. And when I did, they had just run out of medals for the ½ marathon, so I got one for the full marathon. Now I’m fully aware that I didn’t actually run an entire marathon, but that medal went to my head! I found myself checking out other peoples’ ½ marathon medals and thinking to myself, “Couldn’t hack the whole 26 miles, eh?” Never mind these people had the ½ marathon medals because they finished before me and were in time for the real deal medals. We’ll chalk it up to exhaustion and delirium.
Alright, gotta make this quick, they just called my rows for boarding! So congratulations to anyone else who has ever done a marathon or race of any kind, and kudos to those of you who can run the whole thing! Big thanks to the Dorwin family for hanging out with me and making the whole experience more fun!
*Lie
** Bigger lie
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Gobble Gobble!
Ahoy maties! Long time no chat; Hope your holidays were plentiful and filled with awesomeness. Mine were! The whole fam came down to the Couve to partake in the festivities and we devoured turkey and stuffing like it was going out of style. Shockingly enough, I’m actually down a couple of pounds – how you ask? Well that’s a little tale in itself…
It started a couple of weeks ago when I decided to take the plunge and sign up for L.A. Fitness since it’s only about $30 a month. Plus that pesky initiation fee, but who’s counting? Well I guess it’s pretty standard that when you sign up for a gym, a complimentary training session and fitness evaluation come with. Why pass up free? So last weekend I went in for my freebie session, and they send me to a desk where David, my trainer, is sitting down waiting for me. He stands up to shake my hand, and BAM! We are eye level. Being 5’2 (or if we’re dropping truth bombs I’m 5’1 and ¾) I don’t meet too many guys who are my height. He’s a cute little mini-me! It’s not quite as intimidating to be trained by a Keebler elf, so I’m feeling good. (And P.S. it’s completely kosher for me to make fun of him because I’m short too).
But then, being the pint-sized little devil that he is, David started dropping truth bombs of his own. As in, he made me measure my body fat content. Want to ruin your Sunday morning? Find out that you are wallowing in a big sea of excess fat! I mean, I’m aware my ass isn’t fitting into size 2 jeans, but I’m also able to live in a blissful land of denial that the second helping of homemade mac and cheese isn’t killing me slowly. The wakeup call hit me hard, but not as hard as the 20 minute workout that came next. I don’t know how that tiny sorcerer managed to warp my muscles into limp piles of Jell-0, but he did. He had me doing wall sits while bouncing medicine balls, holing lunges for far longer than should be acceptable, and planks that made obscenities fly inadvertently out of my mouth. It wasn’t until about 4 days later until I could sit down on the toilet without lowering myself slowly while weeping.
It didn’t take long to convince me that this guy was legit and if I really want to transform myself, I’d need some accountability. (Although I probably could have done without him pointing out the girls in the gym he’d like to “have relations” with – we get it. They’re hot. Is this supposed to be motivation?) But I did it. I made a 12 month commitment to get my ass kicked twice a week – and I dropped quite a pretty penny to do it. For that amount of money, I better look BANGIN’ in a year’s time. So between my personal training sessions over the last week and my long walks gearing up for the ½ marathon on Sunday, I actually managed to lose weight over the holiday week. If that’s not BOMB DOT COM, I don’t know what is!
So next Monday I will be writing this blog from the Vegas Airport, hopefully relaying you with details of how I made the marathon my bitch! I’m out to buy some water resistant socks tomorrow and I’m then I’m raring to go! Have an excellent week and I’ll check in with you soon : )
It started a couple of weeks ago when I decided to take the plunge and sign up for L.A. Fitness since it’s only about $30 a month. Plus that pesky initiation fee, but who’s counting? Well I guess it’s pretty standard that when you sign up for a gym, a complimentary training session and fitness evaluation come with. Why pass up free? So last weekend I went in for my freebie session, and they send me to a desk where David, my trainer, is sitting down waiting for me. He stands up to shake my hand, and BAM! We are eye level. Being 5’2 (or if we’re dropping truth bombs I’m 5’1 and ¾) I don’t meet too many guys who are my height. He’s a cute little mini-me! It’s not quite as intimidating to be trained by a Keebler elf, so I’m feeling good. (And P.S. it’s completely kosher for me to make fun of him because I’m short too).
But then, being the pint-sized little devil that he is, David started dropping truth bombs of his own. As in, he made me measure my body fat content. Want to ruin your Sunday morning? Find out that you are wallowing in a big sea of excess fat! I mean, I’m aware my ass isn’t fitting into size 2 jeans, but I’m also able to live in a blissful land of denial that the second helping of homemade mac and cheese isn’t killing me slowly. The wakeup call hit me hard, but not as hard as the 20 minute workout that came next. I don’t know how that tiny sorcerer managed to warp my muscles into limp piles of Jell-0, but he did. He had me doing wall sits while bouncing medicine balls, holing lunges for far longer than should be acceptable, and planks that made obscenities fly inadvertently out of my mouth. It wasn’t until about 4 days later until I could sit down on the toilet without lowering myself slowly while weeping.
It didn’t take long to convince me that this guy was legit and if I really want to transform myself, I’d need some accountability. (Although I probably could have done without him pointing out the girls in the gym he’d like to “have relations” with – we get it. They’re hot. Is this supposed to be motivation?) But I did it. I made a 12 month commitment to get my ass kicked twice a week – and I dropped quite a pretty penny to do it. For that amount of money, I better look BANGIN’ in a year’s time. So between my personal training sessions over the last week and my long walks gearing up for the ½ marathon on Sunday, I actually managed to lose weight over the holiday week. If that’s not BOMB DOT COM, I don’t know what is!
So next Monday I will be writing this blog from the Vegas Airport, hopefully relaying you with details of how I made the marathon my bitch! I’m out to buy some water resistant socks tomorrow and I’m then I’m raring to go! Have an excellent week and I’ll check in with you soon : )
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Turkey Day Conundrum
Ahhhhhh, the holidays are upon us. Next week we will become tubby from turkey, plump from pie, stout from stuffing, bloated from something starting with a “b”…. I think we’re done with the alliteration portion of this program. So how do you guys keep from ballooning up over the holidays? I’m accustomed to wearing elastic pants and stretching out my stomach a few days ahead of time to allow for maximum consumption. I usually make holiday eating an Olympic style event. It takes preparation and training, and then on game day, you give 110%.
So how to adapt after 27 years of bountiful Thanksgivings? I don’t see myself making “skim” versions or anything, because I still believe mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes unless you can see the butter glistening from across the room! And there are some holidays worth being fat for, but it’s that attitude that gets me in trouble in the first place. Turkey Day is my all time fave, but I think I need a happy medium between a boring and bland Thanksgiving and a holiday where I spend 3 hours on the couch groaning and clutching my stomach in agony. Maybe I’ll cool it on the thirds and fourths this year…this is going to be a challenge of epic proportions.
In other news, I’m getting ready to head to Vegas in a few weeks for the ½ marathon! And I’m not just excited because I get to take a day off of work and have a hiatus from the kids… It’s going to be super awesome and I’ve started to kick it into high gear. I’m walking three miles and weight lifting most days and then upping it to 5 or 6 miles once a week. Next week I’ll be doing a 7 or 8 mile walk and then finally I’ll bust it out to a nine or ten stretch. So come December 4th, I’m going to be rocking the strip like nobody’s business!
So the moral of the story is that I’ve got to keep my eyes on the prize – can’t be overcome by pumpkin pie and let all the hard work from the last few weeks go to shit – Must. Keep. Going. I know myself all too well – if I start chowing down in my usual fashion, all will to exercise and strive for awesomeness is GONE. I will enter a food coma and not come out of it for a good long while. So I’m asking all of you – how do you stay relatively healthy? Or are you like me and just say to hell with it – go big or go home? Any advice would be glorious!
So how to adapt after 27 years of bountiful Thanksgivings? I don’t see myself making “skim” versions or anything, because I still believe mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes unless you can see the butter glistening from across the room! And there are some holidays worth being fat for, but it’s that attitude that gets me in trouble in the first place. Turkey Day is my all time fave, but I think I need a happy medium between a boring and bland Thanksgiving and a holiday where I spend 3 hours on the couch groaning and clutching my stomach in agony. Maybe I’ll cool it on the thirds and fourths this year…this is going to be a challenge of epic proportions.
In other news, I’m getting ready to head to Vegas in a few weeks for the ½ marathon! And I’m not just excited because I get to take a day off of work and have a hiatus from the kids… It’s going to be super awesome and I’ve started to kick it into high gear. I’m walking three miles and weight lifting most days and then upping it to 5 or 6 miles once a week. Next week I’ll be doing a 7 or 8 mile walk and then finally I’ll bust it out to a nine or ten stretch. So come December 4th, I’m going to be rocking the strip like nobody’s business!
So the moral of the story is that I’ve got to keep my eyes on the prize – can’t be overcome by pumpkin pie and let all the hard work from the last few weeks go to shit – Must. Keep. Going. I know myself all too well – if I start chowing down in my usual fashion, all will to exercise and strive for awesomeness is GONE. I will enter a food coma and not come out of it for a good long while. So I’m asking all of you – how do you stay relatively healthy? Or are you like me and just say to hell with it – go big or go home? Any advice would be glorious!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Was That an Eight Year Old Dominatrix?
Um……apparently my scale didn’t get the message that it’s a holiday and therefore calories don’t count, because it’s not budging. It’s not my fault I had to test the candy PRIOR to giving it to trick or treaters…I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be responsible for the death of dozens of neighborhood children. I DO NOT WANT THAT BLOOD ON MY HANDS! So after ensuring that the Butterfingers, and Baby Ruths, and Almond Joys were safe for consumption, I will sleep soundly tonight knowing that kids of all ages are alive and well and enjoying a poison-free sugar high.
The fact that it’s Halloween has had multiple effects today. A) Teenagers have been moody because I made them work on a “holiday.” B) I must be getting old, because I cannot stop talking about how the costumes these days are too revealing for children! I could have sworn an 8 year old dominatrix just knocked on my door under the guise of a “punk.” C) I am once again reminded that my midsection isn’t quite where I want it to be to fit into a skanky costume.
I’m 20 pounds lighter than last Halloween, but that doesn’t mean that my cellulite needs to be on display for the world to see. But oddly enough, I wasn’t eyeing the risqué costumes with the same zeal and envy as last year. Have I grown past my desire to dress like a complete whore? Hmmmmm, something to contemplate, because I am sitting here in my non slutty sweat pants, writing this blog, and running up and down the stairs handing out candy to youngsters, and I’m perfectly OK with that. (Well technically we just turned out the lights because now all the teenagers are out and those nasty Whoppers are the only candy we have left).
But if slutty costumes aren’t my motivation, I can tell you what is. I’ll give you a hint: it’s green, has dead presidents’ faces on it, and I usually use way too much of it at a certain coffee establishment that starts with an S and ends with a tarbucks. That’s right…SHOW ME THE MONEY! Boot camp just got real, ya’all! Each member is putting in money every week from now through the holiday season – after New Years, whoever has lost the most percentage of weight gets the whole shebang! That’s quite a little kick in the ass if I ever heard of one! So ya know, if dressing like a streetwalker and/or having a healthy heart doesn’t give me the jumpstart like it should, there’s always cash! So bring it on folks, because I’m poor and in need of my fix! (My Powell’s Bookstore fix that is!)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
The fact that it’s Halloween has had multiple effects today. A) Teenagers have been moody because I made them work on a “holiday.” B) I must be getting old, because I cannot stop talking about how the costumes these days are too revealing for children! I could have sworn an 8 year old dominatrix just knocked on my door under the guise of a “punk.” C) I am once again reminded that my midsection isn’t quite where I want it to be to fit into a skanky costume.
I’m 20 pounds lighter than last Halloween, but that doesn’t mean that my cellulite needs to be on display for the world to see. But oddly enough, I wasn’t eyeing the risqué costumes with the same zeal and envy as last year. Have I grown past my desire to dress like a complete whore? Hmmmmm, something to contemplate, because I am sitting here in my non slutty sweat pants, writing this blog, and running up and down the stairs handing out candy to youngsters, and I’m perfectly OK with that. (Well technically we just turned out the lights because now all the teenagers are out and those nasty Whoppers are the only candy we have left).
But if slutty costumes aren’t my motivation, I can tell you what is. I’ll give you a hint: it’s green, has dead presidents’ faces on it, and I usually use way too much of it at a certain coffee establishment that starts with an S and ends with a tarbucks. That’s right…SHOW ME THE MONEY! Boot camp just got real, ya’all! Each member is putting in money every week from now through the holiday season – after New Years, whoever has lost the most percentage of weight gets the whole shebang! That’s quite a little kick in the ass if I ever heard of one! So ya know, if dressing like a streetwalker and/or having a healthy heart doesn’t give me the jumpstart like it should, there’s always cash! So bring it on folks, because I’m poor and in need of my fix! (My Powell’s Bookstore fix that is!)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Monday, October 24, 2011
I am a Tower of Power!
So for the love of all that is holy, and for my sanity as well as yours, I decided to put this whole Eeyore sad sack thing on the back burner for now and be HAPPY! And what isn’t there to be happy about? Persimmons have finally made their way back to Costco! (I can only buy one dozen at a time because I can go to town on a bowl of those bitches). I showed a movie last week in class, and therefore there was considerably less whining. I went to a concert put on by Tower of Power and got my underwear signed by some aging funk stars! It was brand new underwear in case you were wondering…I didn’t want the funk stars to smell my funk if you catch my drift…AND, to top it all off, I went out Friday night and drank like a college frat boy, and IT. WAS. AWESOME. I haven’t done that in ages and it was the remedy I needed.
But beyond that, I also stuck to my workout goal. Granted, it wasn’t a super high reaching goal to get three workouts in, but it tripled the amount of workouts I’ve had in the last few weeks. I zumba’d (is that a verb?) with the teachers, burned massive amounts of calories at boot camp, and worked out at LA Fitness (more on that to come).
Boot camp had an edge this week because I was the only one there. Just me and Amber. No distractions, nowhere to hide, no mercy. Amber’s working out along side of me, and I have no legit excuses because I didn’t just push a human out of my vagina 4 weeks ago. I had to suck it up and go the distance. Among other things, I did 140 triceps dips that day. My shoulders were on fire. If I could have smacked Amber I would have, but she would have needed to lift my arms up to help me do it. But that one on one workout was the kick in the ass I’ve been missing and needing. I left there with my lungs week and my body a throbbing mess – and it’s the best I’ve felt in a LONG time.
So now for the gym. Quick backtrack – Barrett and I quit the membership to the old folks country club because it was too pricy and we were finding more resourceful ways to work out. But then like a beacon of awesomeness, I came home one day to find a 30 day free pass to LA Fitness taped to my door. Thirty days of a free gym membership? Don’t mind if I do! So yesterday I stroll into the gym ready to drop it like it’s hot, but I forgot that anytime you go into a new gym, they do that whole consultation thing about your fitness goals and your workout history and your blood type and childhood aspirations and yada yada yada. So I’m about to meet with my new gym correspondent, whose muscles are too big and whose teeth are too white, and I start feeling just the teensiest bit intimidated. But then he starts talking, and he’s a doll and not intimidating at all, and is even more fabulous because he’s gay. This guy is going to be my new gay best friend and we’re going to be workout buddies and shopping partners. BUT THEN….he mentions his wife and daughter. BACK THE TRUCK UP. How are you not gay? You just used the phrase, “Let’s get real girl, mmmmkay?” Why are the good ones always straight!?!?!? Such a shame.
So my allegedly straight new gym buddy gives me the tour, and it’s pretty fancy schmancy - a lot different than I’m used to, but the equipment is plentiful and clean, so sign me up! I hop on a treadmill, and because I forgot my I Pod, I’m doing a lot of people watching to make the time go by faster. Holy hot pants, Batman! What’s with all the matching gym wear? When did it become uncool to throw on yesterday’s smelly t-shirt and call it good? AND WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER CHUBBY PEOPLE!?!?!? Why is everyone in shape and wearing color coordinated outfits? I can barely get my work clothes to match, let alone my gym shoes and gym shirt! I miss the old farts! What is this place!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
I didn’t realize it at first, but it hit me when I was working out at this place that it’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to a legitimate fitness club. Not that the gym at the country club wasn’t great, but it helps your self esteem when you’re the youngest one there by about 60 years. So now I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and I think I need to go shopping for studly gym attire. But to step it up a notch, I’m insisting to myself that I get four workouts in this week, and at least two of them will be at the big, scary new gym. And I’m excited about it, because hot diggity damn, it felt soooooooo good to work out again – it was just the stress relief and “me time” that I needed. So here’s to “me time” and happiness and restored optimism that will hopefully last longer than a week – cheers and ‘til next time!
But beyond that, I also stuck to my workout goal. Granted, it wasn’t a super high reaching goal to get three workouts in, but it tripled the amount of workouts I’ve had in the last few weeks. I zumba’d (is that a verb?) with the teachers, burned massive amounts of calories at boot camp, and worked out at LA Fitness (more on that to come).
Boot camp had an edge this week because I was the only one there. Just me and Amber. No distractions, nowhere to hide, no mercy. Amber’s working out along side of me, and I have no legit excuses because I didn’t just push a human out of my vagina 4 weeks ago. I had to suck it up and go the distance. Among other things, I did 140 triceps dips that day. My shoulders were on fire. If I could have smacked Amber I would have, but she would have needed to lift my arms up to help me do it. But that one on one workout was the kick in the ass I’ve been missing and needing. I left there with my lungs week and my body a throbbing mess – and it’s the best I’ve felt in a LONG time.
So now for the gym. Quick backtrack – Barrett and I quit the membership to the old folks country club because it was too pricy and we were finding more resourceful ways to work out. But then like a beacon of awesomeness, I came home one day to find a 30 day free pass to LA Fitness taped to my door. Thirty days of a free gym membership? Don’t mind if I do! So yesterday I stroll into the gym ready to drop it like it’s hot, but I forgot that anytime you go into a new gym, they do that whole consultation thing about your fitness goals and your workout history and your blood type and childhood aspirations and yada yada yada. So I’m about to meet with my new gym correspondent, whose muscles are too big and whose teeth are too white, and I start feeling just the teensiest bit intimidated. But then he starts talking, and he’s a doll and not intimidating at all, and is even more fabulous because he’s gay. This guy is going to be my new gay best friend and we’re going to be workout buddies and shopping partners. BUT THEN….he mentions his wife and daughter. BACK THE TRUCK UP. How are you not gay? You just used the phrase, “Let’s get real girl, mmmmkay?” Why are the good ones always straight!?!?!? Such a shame.
So my allegedly straight new gym buddy gives me the tour, and it’s pretty fancy schmancy - a lot different than I’m used to, but the equipment is plentiful and clean, so sign me up! I hop on a treadmill, and because I forgot my I Pod, I’m doing a lot of people watching to make the time go by faster. Holy hot pants, Batman! What’s with all the matching gym wear? When did it become uncool to throw on yesterday’s smelly t-shirt and call it good? AND WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER CHUBBY PEOPLE!?!?!? Why is everyone in shape and wearing color coordinated outfits? I can barely get my work clothes to match, let alone my gym shoes and gym shirt! I miss the old farts! What is this place!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
I didn’t realize it at first, but it hit me when I was working out at this place that it’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to a legitimate fitness club. Not that the gym at the country club wasn’t great, but it helps your self esteem when you’re the youngest one there by about 60 years. So now I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and I think I need to go shopping for studly gym attire. But to step it up a notch, I’m insisting to myself that I get four workouts in this week, and at least two of them will be at the big, scary new gym. And I’m excited about it, because hot diggity damn, it felt soooooooo good to work out again – it was just the stress relief and “me time” that I needed. So here’s to “me time” and happiness and restored optimism that will hopefully last longer than a week – cheers and ‘til next time!
Monday, October 17, 2011
CRY BABY
So, I know, second blog in a month that has been skipped. I’m not making a habit of it, I swear! Last week I had a case of the flu/cold/whatever requires a Nyquil at 7 pm. Trust me though, you wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me…not only would you probably have caught my germs through the blog, but it would have been another endless pity party featuring yours truly.
You know how in movies, there’s usually that video montage of moments that plays to some sappy song that captures an ongoing theme? Well picture this. Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” is wailing in the background and the scene starts with Emily weeping in the morning over her tea because she has to go to work, and then it pans to Emily blubbering on her lunch break, and then laying on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and whining (all the while stuffing her face with whatever processed food is within reach) and finally, stepping on the scale with a big over dramatic sob. And there you have it, folks! While this is a minor embellishment for theatrical purposes (I know…the fact that I would exaggerate is shocking), I’ve been a giant succubus of joy. Seriously – I’m like those guys in Harry Potter that can suck any happiness right out of ya!
To put it nicely, work has been sucking my will to live. Not only am I drowning in a sea of paperwork and grades, but I’m teaching the classes that kids don’t want to be in. Or so they tell me on a regular basis. Nobody wants to be in the “I need extra help with reading” class, and try as I might, I can’t seem to make learning about text book features any fun for them. So I meet resistance every day. And my optimism is waning and my self esteem is going down the crapper. And have I let this affect my life and healthy lifestyle? You bet your ass I have!
What’s wrong with me!?!?!? How am I letting 14 year olds have this much impact? And why is it that the positive comments and interactions throughout the day never quite stick with you the way the crappy ones do? But holy hell, I can’t even listen to myself mope anymore. Every I time I start to whine, I just want to bitch slap myself! And the thing of it is, I’m sacrificing the things that make me feel better and stronger. I’ve been mustering up just one workout a week and eating like I’m carrying triplets. Miraculously, the stress has managed to keep me from ballooning up the Good Year Blimp, but the scale still isn’t pretty – I’m down to a just a 21 pound loss. If you want to put a positive spin on it – I’ve lost about 40 pounds this year. Unfortunately…I’ve gained 19 of them back…
So what to do, what to do… I can’t keep whining and coming up with excuses. It’s dumb. And lame. And stupid. So I can either let these ass hats eat me alive, or I can go all Michelle Pheifer Minds on their asses, get a leather jacket and be a badass who doesn’t take crap from no one! ORRRRRR, I could accept the nature of the beast and stop letting it control my life outside of school because hater's gonna hate. ORRRRRR…I could get a badass leather jacket AND stop letting them get to me. Because I’ve got stuff to do and tiny thighs to get, and a half marathon in 6 weeks! So let’s break this down in a non-whiny way.
MY SOLEMN COMMITMENS THIS WEEK
1.I will NOT complain about my job this week to ANYONE. If I’m sick of hearing about it…chances are other people are as well.
2.I will do something positive for myself everyday that doesn’t involve the boob tube. (this is very self helpy, but I don’t care)
3.I will get 3 workouts in this week – starting with Zumba tomorrow in the staff lounge. (This has been organized by the staff…I don’t just randomly bust out in Latin exercises throughout the school building.)
4.I will count EVERY LAST DAMN WEIGHT WATCHER POINT THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH
5.When I am stressed I will Google pictures of baby hippopotamuses because they make me happy.
You know how in movies, there’s usually that video montage of moments that plays to some sappy song that captures an ongoing theme? Well picture this. Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” is wailing in the background and the scene starts with Emily weeping in the morning over her tea because she has to go to work, and then it pans to Emily blubbering on her lunch break, and then laying on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and whining (all the while stuffing her face with whatever processed food is within reach) and finally, stepping on the scale with a big over dramatic sob. And there you have it, folks! While this is a minor embellishment for theatrical purposes (I know…the fact that I would exaggerate is shocking), I’ve been a giant succubus of joy. Seriously – I’m like those guys in Harry Potter that can suck any happiness right out of ya!
To put it nicely, work has been sucking my will to live. Not only am I drowning in a sea of paperwork and grades, but I’m teaching the classes that kids don’t want to be in. Or so they tell me on a regular basis. Nobody wants to be in the “I need extra help with reading” class, and try as I might, I can’t seem to make learning about text book features any fun for them. So I meet resistance every day. And my optimism is waning and my self esteem is going down the crapper. And have I let this affect my life and healthy lifestyle? You bet your ass I have!
What’s wrong with me!?!?!? How am I letting 14 year olds have this much impact? And why is it that the positive comments and interactions throughout the day never quite stick with you the way the crappy ones do? But holy hell, I can’t even listen to myself mope anymore. Every I time I start to whine, I just want to bitch slap myself! And the thing of it is, I’m sacrificing the things that make me feel better and stronger. I’ve been mustering up just one workout a week and eating like I’m carrying triplets. Miraculously, the stress has managed to keep me from ballooning up the Good Year Blimp, but the scale still isn’t pretty – I’m down to a just a 21 pound loss. If you want to put a positive spin on it – I’ve lost about 40 pounds this year. Unfortunately…I’ve gained 19 of them back…
So what to do, what to do… I can’t keep whining and coming up with excuses. It’s dumb. And lame. And stupid. So I can either let these ass hats eat me alive, or I can go all Michelle Pheifer Minds on their asses, get a leather jacket and be a badass who doesn’t take crap from no one! ORRRRRR, I could accept the nature of the beast and stop letting it control my life outside of school because hater's gonna hate. ORRRRRR…I could get a badass leather jacket AND stop letting them get to me. Because I’ve got stuff to do and tiny thighs to get, and a half marathon in 6 weeks! So let’s break this down in a non-whiny way.
MY SOLEMN COMMITMENS THIS WEEK
1.I will NOT complain about my job this week to ANYONE. If I’m sick of hearing about it…chances are other people are as well.
2.I will do something positive for myself everyday that doesn’t involve the boob tube. (this is very self helpy, but I don’t care)
3.I will get 3 workouts in this week – starting with Zumba tomorrow in the staff lounge. (This has been organized by the staff…I don’t just randomly bust out in Latin exercises throughout the school building.)
4.I will count EVERY LAST DAMN WEIGHT WATCHER POINT THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH
5.When I am stressed I will Google pictures of baby hippopotamuses because they make me happy.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Following a brief hiatus
Oh, the shame! For the first time all year I didn’t get my blog out on time. Well, maybe you’ll forgive me if I tell you I was in the hospital. Visiting cancer patients. In the children’s ward. Ooooooorrrrrrrr….. I was super tired and lazy and wanted to go to bed at 8:30. Take your pick, I’ll let you choose. I know, I know, super lame – I could also tell you that I couldn’t face the shame of telling you that a few of those pounds had found their way back to my middle. And butt. And face – I started looking like one of those chipmunks or people who are leaving the dentist after a mouth full of Novocain.
I have no good excuses. It’s not like the pounds were sneaky little bastards either; I knew they were coming. When you stop paying attention to what you’re eating and exercise is only happening once a week – it’s not exactly a shocker when you’re up three pounds. And even though three pounds might not be the end of the world, it feels like 300. When I leave my house, I can almost feel people noticing. I can see them thinking, “she gained three pounds…she gained three pounds…” And when my weight is up, that’s when it seems that all the skinny bitches come out of the woodwork.
Now let’s clarify something. When I refer to skinny bitches, this does not encompass all girls who are skinny. Nope, this is specifically for those chicks who give you the once over and their eyes might as well be saying, “Get some self control and step away from the cookies.” Yeah skinny bitches, you know who you are, and I recommend you eat a sandwich and then blow it out your ass. Or don’t, because that actually sounds like a diarrhea reference. Whoops! Like there was this one working at Papa Murphy’s the other day when I went in to pick up a pizza. And you know how they always ask the same question, “Have you ever baked our pizzas before?” Well I swear the chick had a smirk on her face as she asked and eyed me up and down. Yes. Clearly I have had your pizzas before, so BACK UP OFF IT! Or it could totally be my imagination. Maybe the skinny bitches have always been there and when I’m feelin’ goooooooood I just don’t notice…or care….maybe it’s my problem…
But skinny bitches judging or not, I’ve got to get back to business. I’ve added another boot camp to the weekly regime which has been awesome! Although last week’s impromptu boot camp in the park ended with a shouting match against some obnoxious thirteen year olds…not my finest hour. But at least my vocal chords got a work out as well. So I’ve been trying to get some balance back in my life and stay up until at least 9:00 every night. Next week I’ll have a less whiny and more positive spin, and I promise not to bitch about the bitches; I also promise to stop using the word bitch so much.
OK, that’s all folks! Happy Fall!
I have no good excuses. It’s not like the pounds were sneaky little bastards either; I knew they were coming. When you stop paying attention to what you’re eating and exercise is only happening once a week – it’s not exactly a shocker when you’re up three pounds. And even though three pounds might not be the end of the world, it feels like 300. When I leave my house, I can almost feel people noticing. I can see them thinking, “she gained three pounds…she gained three pounds…” And when my weight is up, that’s when it seems that all the skinny bitches come out of the woodwork.
Now let’s clarify something. When I refer to skinny bitches, this does not encompass all girls who are skinny. Nope, this is specifically for those chicks who give you the once over and their eyes might as well be saying, “Get some self control and step away from the cookies.” Yeah skinny bitches, you know who you are, and I recommend you eat a sandwich and then blow it out your ass. Or don’t, because that actually sounds like a diarrhea reference. Whoops! Like there was this one working at Papa Murphy’s the other day when I went in to pick up a pizza. And you know how they always ask the same question, “Have you ever baked our pizzas before?” Well I swear the chick had a smirk on her face as she asked and eyed me up and down. Yes. Clearly I have had your pizzas before, so BACK UP OFF IT! Or it could totally be my imagination. Maybe the skinny bitches have always been there and when I’m feelin’ goooooooood I just don’t notice…or care….maybe it’s my problem…
But skinny bitches judging or not, I’ve got to get back to business. I’ve added another boot camp to the weekly regime which has been awesome! Although last week’s impromptu boot camp in the park ended with a shouting match against some obnoxious thirteen year olds…not my finest hour. But at least my vocal chords got a work out as well. So I’ve been trying to get some balance back in my life and stay up until at least 9:00 every night. Next week I’ll have a less whiny and more positive spin, and I promise not to bitch about the bitches; I also promise to stop using the word bitch so much.
OK, that’s all folks! Happy Fall!
Monday, September 19, 2011
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sleeping. Snoozing. Nodding off. Catching some Z’s. Getting some shut eye. Whatever you want to call it, that’s my new obsession. And I can’t get enough of it. Literally. I am in bed by 9:30 every night like an old lady, and it’s still not early enough for me. I’m embarrassed to admit this – but last Friday, I conked out at 5 pm. No joke. What was meant to be a little disco nap before dinner turned into a 16 hour all nighter. What is wrong with me!?!?!? WHERE IS MY ENERGY???
Last night promised to be a little better – I crawled into bed at 8:30, psyched to be asleep an extra hour early, but I was soon joined by three gentlemen, and two of them happen to be bed hogs. (I know this has the potential to get awesome, but sadly two of the dudes were of the feline and canine variety). So I woke up this morning with leg and neck cramps from being curled up in a weird ball because Rex has to sleep like a diagonal starfish.
But where am I going with this? I’ll tell you. My awesome work out plans went DOWN THE POOPER! The only thing I could muster last week was boot camp, and that’s because my workout buddies would have dropkicked me in the ovaries had I missed. By the by, my boot instructor had her baby this weekend! And even she showed up to boot camp on Thursday with a kid halfway out her cooter, so I REALLY had no excuse. AND SHE WORKED OUT. It made the rest of us look like pansies, but what are you gonna do? When a mean pregnant lady says run, YOU RUN. And bless her heart, when we grunt every obscenity in the book at her and tell her we’re going to run over her with a pickup truck, she just smiles and tells us to do ten more. I’m hoping her maternal instincts kick in soon and her urge to nurture becomes more prevalent. I’m not holding my breath.
So sadly, I’m at the same weight because I could not get my ass in gear for the life of me. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas or suggestions!?!?! It’s challenging to drag myself from the couch to the dinner table after work. The only plus side to this is that I’m usually too tired to eat!(I didn't think that was humanly possible for me). So I’ve got to find some balance soon, or I’m going to become the most boring lethargic person on the planet. Maybe I’ll start bringing my workout clothes with me and pop over to the gym in the middle of grading papers. Or maybe I’ll multitask and do jumping jacks while teaching. That’s not weird, right?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH – I just looked at the clock, and I only have an hour til bed time and I still have to figure out how to make Beowulf interesting to high school seniors. Maybe we’ll act out some battle scenes all medieval style – ya know, work in some jousting for cardio. I’ll let you know how that goes… So sadly, this is me signing off so I can drag my tired hiney to bed soon. I’m hoping this is temporary. Sweet lord of everything holy, it better be temporary. So this is an extremely tired Emily Corak signing off – wishing you all pleasant dreams and more energy than I have.
Last night promised to be a little better – I crawled into bed at 8:30, psyched to be asleep an extra hour early, but I was soon joined by three gentlemen, and two of them happen to be bed hogs. (I know this has the potential to get awesome, but sadly two of the dudes were of the feline and canine variety). So I woke up this morning with leg and neck cramps from being curled up in a weird ball because Rex has to sleep like a diagonal starfish.
But where am I going with this? I’ll tell you. My awesome work out plans went DOWN THE POOPER! The only thing I could muster last week was boot camp, and that’s because my workout buddies would have dropkicked me in the ovaries had I missed. By the by, my boot instructor had her baby this weekend! And even she showed up to boot camp on Thursday with a kid halfway out her cooter, so I REALLY had no excuse. AND SHE WORKED OUT. It made the rest of us look like pansies, but what are you gonna do? When a mean pregnant lady says run, YOU RUN. And bless her heart, when we grunt every obscenity in the book at her and tell her we’re going to run over her with a pickup truck, she just smiles and tells us to do ten more. I’m hoping her maternal instincts kick in soon and her urge to nurture becomes more prevalent. I’m not holding my breath.
So sadly, I’m at the same weight because I could not get my ass in gear for the life of me. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas or suggestions!?!?! It’s challenging to drag myself from the couch to the dinner table after work. The only plus side to this is that I’m usually too tired to eat!(I didn't think that was humanly possible for me). So I’ve got to find some balance soon, or I’m going to become the most boring lethargic person on the planet. Maybe I’ll start bringing my workout clothes with me and pop over to the gym in the middle of grading papers. Or maybe I’ll multitask and do jumping jacks while teaching. That’s not weird, right?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH – I just looked at the clock, and I only have an hour til bed time and I still have to figure out how to make Beowulf interesting to high school seniors. Maybe we’ll act out some battle scenes all medieval style – ya know, work in some jousting for cardio. I’ll let you know how that goes… So sadly, this is me signing off so I can drag my tired hiney to bed soon. I’m hoping this is temporary. Sweet lord of everything holy, it better be temporary. So this is an extremely tired Emily Corak signing off – wishing you all pleasant dreams and more energy than I have.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Heidi Klum's arms + Kate Moss's legs...
It’s been a super crazy ridiculously long wait, but (insert awesome drum roll here) I’ve finally shed 25 pounds! Bam…that’s almost one fourth of a supermodel! I’ve lost 25% of Heidi Klum! Well, I bet if you took her calves, and Tyra Banks's boobs, plus Gisele Bunchen's hair...that would probably just about equal my weight loss. And we won’t talk about just how long it’s taken me to get to this point, we’re just going to celebrate the fact that it happened! I’m not sure if it was the extra crazy boot camp this week or all the nervous poops I’ve been taking because of the week of school, but alas, the 25 mile milestone has been hit.
My original reward to myself for this was a super awesome hair straightener. Unfortunately, I’m in between paychecks right now, and unless someone’s buying it for me – it’s not happening. I’ll probably have to rock the starvation diet until the end of the month, because I’m on a budget of about $.28 a day for the next three weeks. I’ve told Barrett he needs to get super rich and famous so he can support me in a way that I’d like to become accustomed to, but so far, no dice.
This also means I’m only five pounds from my sky diving goal (also will have to wait until I can afford to feed myself). I think I just peed a little at the thought of it, but I’m so psyched! I’m finally doing things instead of just talking out of my ass about them. So by the end of the year, I will have skydived (skydove? Is that the past tense?), completed my half marathon, and since I’ll be in Vegas for the marathon, I’m going to cash in on my other goal and bet $100 on a single hand of black jack. Don’t ask me why this is one of my goals, but I’ve always wanted to be a big roller, and $100 to me is H.U.G.E. Interesting that I’m talking about gambling away 100 smackeroos when I was just relaying how broke I am. Anyways, besides the point!
My workouts were few and far between this week, but I’ve been running around like a chicken with my nuts chopped off lately getting prepped and trying to keep my head above water. I can already tell the cause of my stress eating this year will be my one sophomore class. Those little hellions make me earn my paycheck! With the rest of my classes, I seem to have lucked out -just the usual eye rolling and nodding off during class (nothing I can’t handle).
Now that I seem to have adjusted just a smidgen, I’m declaring my workout goals for the week for you – with blog readers as my witness, here’s the game plan:
Tuesday: 2 or 3 mile walk + bike ride
Wednesday: Illegally downloaded Zumba DVD
Thursday: Boot Camp!
Friday: Rest, relax, repeat
Saturday: 3 or 4 mile walk
Sunday: Bike ride + yoga
Peace out playas! Have a fantastic week and I’ll check in witchu next week : )
My original reward to myself for this was a super awesome hair straightener. Unfortunately, I’m in between paychecks right now, and unless someone’s buying it for me – it’s not happening. I’ll probably have to rock the starvation diet until the end of the month, because I’m on a budget of about $.28 a day for the next three weeks. I’ve told Barrett he needs to get super rich and famous so he can support me in a way that I’d like to become accustomed to, but so far, no dice.
This also means I’m only five pounds from my sky diving goal (also will have to wait until I can afford to feed myself). I think I just peed a little at the thought of it, but I’m so psyched! I’m finally doing things instead of just talking out of my ass about them. So by the end of the year, I will have skydived (skydove? Is that the past tense?), completed my half marathon, and since I’ll be in Vegas for the marathon, I’m going to cash in on my other goal and bet $100 on a single hand of black jack. Don’t ask me why this is one of my goals, but I’ve always wanted to be a big roller, and $100 to me is H.U.G.E. Interesting that I’m talking about gambling away 100 smackeroos when I was just relaying how broke I am. Anyways, besides the point!
My workouts were few and far between this week, but I’ve been running around like a chicken with my nuts chopped off lately getting prepped and trying to keep my head above water. I can already tell the cause of my stress eating this year will be my one sophomore class. Those little hellions make me earn my paycheck! With the rest of my classes, I seem to have lucked out -just the usual eye rolling and nodding off during class (nothing I can’t handle).
Now that I seem to have adjusted just a smidgen, I’m declaring my workout goals for the week for you – with blog readers as my witness, here’s the game plan:
Tuesday: 2 or 3 mile walk + bike ride
Wednesday: Illegally downloaded Zumba DVD
Thursday: Boot Camp!
Friday: Rest, relax, repeat
Saturday: 3 or 4 mile walk
Sunday: Bike ride + yoga
Peace out playas! Have a fantastic week and I’ll check in witchu next week : )
Monday, September 5, 2011
Just Another Manic Monday...
Heads up – I’m in a bit of a hurry so I’m going to have to make this quick. I know this may come as a shock to anyone that knows me, but tomorrow’s my first day back at school and I’m still not quiiiiiiiiiite finished with all my plans. I mean, my first day is solid, but after 3rd period on the second day, it starts to get a little hazy… So I’m taking a quick blog break, and then it’s back to making mythology accessible for seniors! So I’m just going to recap the highlights of this week for you, ala ESPN, or, something else, because I don’t really watch ESPN, I just notice that Barrett is always watching the highlights of the game HE JUST FINISHED WATCHING.
The Highlight Reel
•Different date, same weight – Not bummed at all, actually a little relieved. I miiiiiight have forsaken my “eat like a reasonable human being” thing for a couple days when a batch of goodbye brownies and cookies made their way into my tummy. Don’t be judging…you would have done the same thing! Or you have tons more willpower than I do, and for that you can suck it.
•I ended up bringing a newbie with me to boot camp. She pushed hard, but it remains to be seen if she’s still talking to me. Although, I think Danielle and I got a compliment, if you can call it that. The words, “You didn’t tell me you bitches could run” came out of her mouth. I’d like to take that as a good sign.
•I AM OFFICIALLY REGISTERED FOR THE ROCK N’ ROLL VEGAS HALF MARATHON! And I’ll be damned if I’m going back on it now, because that shit ain’t cheap! And if you know me, you know I NEVER say ain’t. But some drastic situations call for drastically bad grammar. Proper verbs just wouldn’t have cut it. So on December 4th I’ll be jogging/walking down the strip with my good buddy Kerianne and getting to cross off one of my goals on my life list. One down, eight bajilion to go!
•I saddled up for a 21 mile bike ride this morning – fun, relaxing, although most of the time I’m chanting my own personal traffic mantra – “If you hit me, I will sue.” It keeps me going and I find it inspirational. For Barrett, the first 18 miles were great and then around mile 19 he tells me that the option to have children has just been taken away from us. Something about his balls being up in his stomach or something to that effect. Not having had any danglers, I’ll have to take his word that it’s painful.
•My stingy aspiration for the upcoming school year: save money on a gym and just use the high school’s. They’ve practically got their own YMCA in the PE room and I have a lot of work to do to make sure I can cover 13.1 miles in 4 hours on the night of the marathon. That probably sounds like nothing to a lot of you, but I want to make sure I’m not kicked off the course because I didn’t make the time limit! Then I’d have to go console myself with liquor and prostitutes. Or, um, I was kidding….
•That’s all I’ve got for you; let’s hope next week’s blog is a good one and that I haven’t been driven to the loony bins by high school students. Corak out!
The Highlight Reel
•Different date, same weight – Not bummed at all, actually a little relieved. I miiiiiight have forsaken my “eat like a reasonable human being” thing for a couple days when a batch of goodbye brownies and cookies made their way into my tummy. Don’t be judging…you would have done the same thing! Or you have tons more willpower than I do, and for that you can suck it.
•I ended up bringing a newbie with me to boot camp. She pushed hard, but it remains to be seen if she’s still talking to me. Although, I think Danielle and I got a compliment, if you can call it that. The words, “You didn’t tell me you bitches could run” came out of her mouth. I’d like to take that as a good sign.
•I AM OFFICIALLY REGISTERED FOR THE ROCK N’ ROLL VEGAS HALF MARATHON! And I’ll be damned if I’m going back on it now, because that shit ain’t cheap! And if you know me, you know I NEVER say ain’t. But some drastic situations call for drastically bad grammar. Proper verbs just wouldn’t have cut it. So on December 4th I’ll be jogging/walking down the strip with my good buddy Kerianne and getting to cross off one of my goals on my life list. One down, eight bajilion to go!
•I saddled up for a 21 mile bike ride this morning – fun, relaxing, although most of the time I’m chanting my own personal traffic mantra – “If you hit me, I will sue.” It keeps me going and I find it inspirational. For Barrett, the first 18 miles were great and then around mile 19 he tells me that the option to have children has just been taken away from us. Something about his balls being up in his stomach or something to that effect. Not having had any danglers, I’ll have to take his word that it’s painful.
•My stingy aspiration for the upcoming school year: save money on a gym and just use the high school’s. They’ve practically got their own YMCA in the PE room and I have a lot of work to do to make sure I can cover 13.1 miles in 4 hours on the night of the marathon. That probably sounds like nothing to a lot of you, but I want to make sure I’m not kicked off the course because I didn’t make the time limit! Then I’d have to go console myself with liquor and prostitutes. Or, um, I was kidding….
•That’s all I’ve got for you; let’s hope next week’s blog is a good one and that I haven’t been driven to the loony bins by high school students. Corak out!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Disgruntled Ramblings
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Today I was going to tell you about my tiny yet significant weight loss and my new jogging record, but I’m too blooming angry! Today was the worst day I’ve had in a looooooong while, and all I want to do is punch a baby! I don’t have the energy to be witty and upbeat, so I’m going to vent and YOU HAVE TO LISTEN!!! Or I suppose you could just stop reading and we’ll call it a day, but READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Do you ever have one of those days where you are everybody’s punching bag? Well today was that day. My weekend was spent cleaning, organizing closets, creating lesson plans, and generally hyperventilating about the upcoming school year. So right off the bat, I’m a little cranky and anxious. To top it off, the damn cat has decided that my pillow is the only acceptable place to sleep, so my beauty rest is rudely interrupted every couple hours as I wake up from a neck cramp and have to kick his highness OFF the pillows!
So there’s that. And I don’t know if it’s a full moon, security was loose at the loony bin, or if people are just bat shit crazy, but something was in the air today! Drama, drama, drama – it is like Young and the Restless/Big Brother/Leave me the hell out of it. And don’t get me started on the clients! I got yelled at for more than one occasion – once for saying “gracias.” Did you know this is America? Did you know it’s disloyal and unpatriotic to speak something other than English? I was also yelled at when suggesting that you must first log into your own e-mail before sending a message rather than typing the recipient’s e mail address into Google. Whatever happened to “don’t shoot the messenger?!?!?” I didn’t invent the internet and I did not make the rules! Man, bitches be crazy.
So as I was leaving today I was walking through the store and I happened to see this beautifully framed white board calendar, and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is exactly what I need. This will not only keep me organized, but will be the solution to all my problems – past, present, and future.” For some reason in my crazy lady brain, this calendar was sent from the heavens directly for me at the glorious price of $3.99. Gotta love thrift stores. But alas, when I arrived at the checkout stand, I was not allowed to purchase it because it had not been on display for at least two days and employees have to give the rest of the public a fair stab at everything. So according to company policy, no sale for Emily. So what do I do? If you guessed start sobbing the second I leave the store, then call me later to collect your grand prize! Who knew a dry erase board calendar would have been the straw to break the camel’s back?
So I went home, collected myself and did some yoga to relax and reboot. HA! Only kidding. That would have been the rational thing to do – nope, instead, I went straight for the peanut butter and a spoon, bypassing the bread completely. Old habits die hard, I guess. Bummer, because I’ve been doing so well, too! I’ve been eating moderately and rationally! But this minor setback will NOT define the rest of my week, or the rest of my night for that matter!
I guess since the primary focus of this blog is supposed to be weight loss, I should probably touch on that just a bit. I lost almost a pound this week, and it finally put me over a hump that I’ve been struggling to surmount. I’ve been struggling with the same three or four pounds that kept bouncing back and forth, and I’m finally into new unchartered territory, and the lowest weight I’ve been in a couple years! Still quite a ways to go, but progress is on its way, and I feel really, really good. I also beat my record this week for most time jogged – I went on a walk/jog for 40 minutes, and 25 of it was jogging. For me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment. So peanut butter be damned, because I’m still awesome. I just can’t keep jars of peanut butter in the house anymore. Ever. I’m not to be trusted.
Thank you for listening/reading my therapeutic venting session – I promise not to be such a Debbie Downer next week! And in a personal shout out, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN PANCAKE!!!!!!
Do you ever have one of those days where you are everybody’s punching bag? Well today was that day. My weekend was spent cleaning, organizing closets, creating lesson plans, and generally hyperventilating about the upcoming school year. So right off the bat, I’m a little cranky and anxious. To top it off, the damn cat has decided that my pillow is the only acceptable place to sleep, so my beauty rest is rudely interrupted every couple hours as I wake up from a neck cramp and have to kick his highness OFF the pillows!
So there’s that. And I don’t know if it’s a full moon, security was loose at the loony bin, or if people are just bat shit crazy, but something was in the air today! Drama, drama, drama – it is like Young and the Restless/Big Brother/Leave me the hell out of it. And don’t get me started on the clients! I got yelled at for more than one occasion – once for saying “gracias.” Did you know this is America? Did you know it’s disloyal and unpatriotic to speak something other than English? I was also yelled at when suggesting that you must first log into your own e-mail before sending a message rather than typing the recipient’s e mail address into Google. Whatever happened to “don’t shoot the messenger?!?!?” I didn’t invent the internet and I did not make the rules! Man, bitches be crazy.
So as I was leaving today I was walking through the store and I happened to see this beautifully framed white board calendar, and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is exactly what I need. This will not only keep me organized, but will be the solution to all my problems – past, present, and future.” For some reason in my crazy lady brain, this calendar was sent from the heavens directly for me at the glorious price of $3.99. Gotta love thrift stores. But alas, when I arrived at the checkout stand, I was not allowed to purchase it because it had not been on display for at least two days and employees have to give the rest of the public a fair stab at everything. So according to company policy, no sale for Emily. So what do I do? If you guessed start sobbing the second I leave the store, then call me later to collect your grand prize! Who knew a dry erase board calendar would have been the straw to break the camel’s back?
So I went home, collected myself and did some yoga to relax and reboot. HA! Only kidding. That would have been the rational thing to do – nope, instead, I went straight for the peanut butter and a spoon, bypassing the bread completely. Old habits die hard, I guess. Bummer, because I’ve been doing so well, too! I’ve been eating moderately and rationally! But this minor setback will NOT define the rest of my week, or the rest of my night for that matter!
I guess since the primary focus of this blog is supposed to be weight loss, I should probably touch on that just a bit. I lost almost a pound this week, and it finally put me over a hump that I’ve been struggling to surmount. I’ve been struggling with the same three or four pounds that kept bouncing back and forth, and I’m finally into new unchartered territory, and the lowest weight I’ve been in a couple years! Still quite a ways to go, but progress is on its way, and I feel really, really good. I also beat my record this week for most time jogged – I went on a walk/jog for 40 minutes, and 25 of it was jogging. For me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment. So peanut butter be damned, because I’m still awesome. I just can’t keep jars of peanut butter in the house anymore. Ever. I’m not to be trusted.
Thank you for listening/reading my therapeutic venting session – I promise not to be such a Debbie Downer next week! And in a personal shout out, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN PANCAKE!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
Monday, August 15, 2011
If you are what you eat, I'm a big peanut butter cookie
Well there have been some developments in the life of Emily Corak this week…for starters, it looks like working at Goodwill was not meant to be. Some (possibly malicious) force out there in the universe decided that I shouldn’t give up on teaching high school just yet and offered me a full time contract. There were lots of pros and cons lists, contemplative walks, and emotional face stuffing this week– but I eventually decided that I would spend this year facing off against those feisty adolescents! The timing is a big fat pile of suck, because I really like my job at Goodwill, but sometimes you’ve gotta do whatcha gotta do. And this is what I’ve gotta do.
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Little Bit O' Everything
GOOD NEWS! I lost a little over three pounds this week! BAD NEWS – I still haven’t undone all the damage I did during family vacation week. See? What did I tell you? I wasn’t stuffing myself amateur style; this was FULL ON professional. Oy! That’s a wee bit on the embarrassing side…
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
Monday, August 1, 2011
Fart Lickers
Ahhhhh, it’s Monday and it’s the first day of August. New beginnings! Or…still recovering from last week’s madwoman eating rampage. But still, to new beginnings! I gotta tell you, after taking a week off from eating like a reasonable human being, it was much harder to get back on track than I imagined. But I HAVE TO. Otherwise the only slutty Halloween costume I’ll be able to wear is a whorish beluga whale or a scantily clad polar bear. LAME!
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Internal Workings of a Ms. Emily Corak on a Very OFF Week
So let me preface this week’s blog by telling you I’m just a wee bit crazy on a normal basis – not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy, but a healthy dose of it. In the past month, I’ve accidentally lit not one, but two dishtowels on fire. And I watch the Bachelorette every week. Twice. But this week I was a little more off my rocker than normal. So to provide some wisdom and insight into the complex workings of my crazy lady mind, I’ve summarized my inner monologues from the week – please note, these aren’t exaggerations – this really is how I think. Be warned.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Musings of a Dumb Dieter
So it’s that time of the week again; the update, the confessional, the moment of truth. Well, I wasn’t expecting much because I had several nights out this week, but I guess the two boot camp sessions paid off because I’m down another pound. Truth be told, I was predicting a gain – I mean, that extra cheesy cheese bread didn’t eat itself. But alas, I exceeded my expectations. Maybe there is something to the theory that if you set your hopes down low you’re bound to exceed them. I mean if you aim at the ground, you’re bound to hit something, right? That’s probably why I’m dating Barrett – bwahahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Rules According to Emily
So let me preface this blog by saying it’s been a looooooong day. For starters, I had orientation today at 7:30 in the morning. That is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Reminder: I’ve been unemployed for the last 6 weeks, and any morning I’ve woken up before ten is an A + productive day in my book. So today I traveled to corporate Goodwill headquarters I got to hear about blood borne pathogens, sexual harassment, and the company mission statement for SIX HOURS. Blaaaaggghhhhhurrrghhh. However, I’m psyched to have a job and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning besides watching Lifetime on DVR! But anyways, after orientation I went to boot camp, and I can barely muster the energy to lift my fingers and type right now. I am drained! But in other news, I’m down a couple of pounds this week! (Technicality: yesterday the scale said I lost two pounds, but today it said I only lost one. I’m chalking it up to a moody scale and maybe we’ll call it an average of 1.5) Well, it’s a loss, so that’s something!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Did You Know Gullible is Written on the Ceiling?
Happy Birthday, America! And in honor of your independence day, I’ve gormandized on far more fattening foods than entirely necessary. But since we only celebrate our glorious independence from the Brits once a year*, I feel perfectly justified in doing so. You’ve gotta give yourself days off sometimes. Everything in moderation, including moderation. I love that saying! Genius!
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
Monday, June 27, 2011
Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
Hey, hey! Check out the new fancy changes to the blog! Well, fancy in my book, anyway…a few font changes, some pictures, and OILA! I added a background picture of a beach because I thought it was purrrrrdy. Well, at first the background image was a chick doing yoga outside in front of a sunrise, but she looked way too serene and peaceful. Smug bitch. When I’m doing yoga, my shirt is usually falling over my face when I’m grunting my way into downward dog position, and there’s nothing remotely serene or peaceful about me.
But in other news, I lost a whopping .6 pounds this week. Please notice the decimal point before the 6 – I didn’t have a magical weight loss spurt after all these months on the SLOW path. At first, I felt like my scale was just being moody and spiteful, because I worked out mad hard this week! But then I remembered several trips to the glorious land of frozen yogurt world. And there might have been a fish fry or a pizza night involved in the mix. But I did keep up with my running (I use the word running loosely) routine this week, and after a short hiatus I busted back into boot camp! I have been sore and achy all week, but a good sore and achy.
And speaking of boot camp this week, I had homework. Amber, our super cute and merciless instructor, gave us an assignment. We were assigned a specific five minute workout anytime we thought demeaning and negative thoughts about our bodies. Um, hello? I have stuff to do. I can’t spend all day every day completing my exercise penance! My inner monologue is nothing BUT demeaning and negative thoughts about the size of my ass and my under arm flab! Which, I’m assuming, is probably why she assigned this specific project. So after my third bout of sweaty reparation, I started to think to myself, “Self, maybe badmouthing you IS NOT the most effective mode of communication.”
So I’m trying to retrain my brain not to shout, “EWWWWWW!!!!!” when I get out of the shower. I’m attempting to think to myself, “Damn, your eyes look sparkling in this outfit,” instead of, “Could you look any more like the back side of a walrus!!??” I mean, that’s just not doing me any good whatsoever. No matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS have hips, and a weirdo ski jump nose, and hairy Shrek-like toes. So whether I lose 60 pounds or gain 150, I need to treat myself respectfully and FEEL THE LOVE! Ha, now that I’m done channeling Dr. Phil, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and watch the end of the Bachelorette. So my message to you this week is one of Hallmark cheesiness: Love yourself, flaws included. And don’t forget to wear sunscreen, because it’s officially SUMMER!!!!!!
But in other news, I lost a whopping .6 pounds this week. Please notice the decimal point before the 6 – I didn’t have a magical weight loss spurt after all these months on the SLOW path. At first, I felt like my scale was just being moody and spiteful, because I worked out mad hard this week! But then I remembered several trips to the glorious land of frozen yogurt world. And there might have been a fish fry or a pizza night involved in the mix. But I did keep up with my running (I use the word running loosely) routine this week, and after a short hiatus I busted back into boot camp! I have been sore and achy all week, but a good sore and achy.
And speaking of boot camp this week, I had homework. Amber, our super cute and merciless instructor, gave us an assignment. We were assigned a specific five minute workout anytime we thought demeaning and negative thoughts about our bodies. Um, hello? I have stuff to do. I can’t spend all day every day completing my exercise penance! My inner monologue is nothing BUT demeaning and negative thoughts about the size of my ass and my under arm flab! Which, I’m assuming, is probably why she assigned this specific project. So after my third bout of sweaty reparation, I started to think to myself, “Self, maybe badmouthing you IS NOT the most effective mode of communication.”
So I’m trying to retrain my brain not to shout, “EWWWWWW!!!!!” when I get out of the shower. I’m attempting to think to myself, “Damn, your eyes look sparkling in this outfit,” instead of, “Could you look any more like the back side of a walrus!!??” I mean, that’s just not doing me any good whatsoever. No matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS have hips, and a weirdo ski jump nose, and hairy Shrek-like toes. So whether I lose 60 pounds or gain 150, I need to treat myself respectfully and FEEL THE LOVE! Ha, now that I’m done channeling Dr. Phil, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and watch the end of the Bachelorette. So my message to you this week is one of Hallmark cheesiness: Love yourself, flaws included. And don’t forget to wear sunscreen, because it’s officially SUMMER!!!!!!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Do the Running woMan!
In the words of Bruce Springsteen, baby I was born to run! What’s that you say? You thought I hated running? Oh, I still do. Just not as much. So, side note, before I forget, I found a bike I reaaaalllllyyyyy like! It’s amazing, but it’s also worth a pretty penny or two. Seeing as it’s going to put a small dent in my pocketbook, I’m waiting until payday on the first to become a crazy, awesome cyclist! So in 10 days, watch out world! Literally, drivers of Vancouver…I forget to look both ways, so please look out for me.
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"The Carlton"
Holllaaaaaaaaa!!! This chick is back in business – weight gain damage from last week has been undone, and just in time! I was invited to be Barrett’s plus one at a swanky charity benefit for MS and the children’s hospital. Getting all dressed up for a good cause??? Heck yes! And you want me to drink free liquor all night? Anything for charity!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle!
Oh bugger! I guess a week in vacation mode is bound to put a couple of pounds back on. I was going to skip this week’s weigh in to avoid the atrocity…but somebody, and I won’t mention any names…cough cough…Kim Brenner…cough cough, told me I had to bite the bullet and step up on the scale. I hate her just a little bit for it, because I was planning on living in ignorant bliss this week. Not to worry, back to business per usual and ready to bust a move! (But I don’t care what anyone says…I’m getting that damned massage…I lost 20 pounds, doesn’t matter if I didn’t keep it off!)
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Hot Diggity Damn!
Guess who finally lost the last couple pounds to reach her 20 pound goal and is going to spend the week looking for cheap places to get a rub down without a happy ending!??!?! Wait for it….wait for it…..IT’S ME!!!!!! Only took me two months to lose these last five pounds, but right now I don’t even care! I’m just so excited that they are gone and STAYING GONE! (No thanks to the Memorial BBQ I just came from…damn that lemon cake). But I have to be 100% with you – I made a decision last night that no matter what the scale said this morning, I was going to make my 20 pound victory announcement. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d gained 53 pounds, I was sick of having nothing good to report and I was going to LIE. Scandalous, I know. Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Well how do we know she’s not lying right now???” Well, if I was lying, I most likely wouldn’t be telling you about my devious scheme, but I swear to you on my collection of scarves that I’m telling the truth. If you’ve met me or been in my closet, you know that I’m not fucking around when it comes to scarves. They are my babies. Anyways, so when I got on the scale this morning, it was a HUGE sigh of relief that I actually lost the weight, and that most importantly, I wouldn’t have to be a big skanky liar face. It’s a goooooood day.
So not only have I shed a couple of pounds, but I’ve also shed about 150 high school students. My long term gig ended on Friday, and it was a little bittersweet. (Much like the homemade cupcakes one student brought for my last day fiesta). As crazy as they sometimes drove me, I will miss them. Not all of them, but a lot of them. There are a handful of students that if I never see again it will be waaaaayyyyyyy too soon. But now I feel strangely empty, and I can’t help thinking, what’s next??? I have job applications coming out my ass, but sadly, there are no offers coming out with them. I’m looking around at grad schools, and I’m also practicing my street performing skills should that become a necessity. I do a stellar impersonation of a dolphin and my interpretive dancing ain’t bad either. Hopefully, I’ll have life all figured out by the next time I report back to you.
As for the weight loss goal, I’m hoping the jump down on the scale is a monumental symbol that the weight is ready to start pouring off of me and I’m over this miniature plateau. Because if the next five pounds takes me two months, I’m quitting and resigning to a sedentary life full of saturated fats and cholesterol! So when the next fiver comes off in the next few weeks (like my optimism?) I’m going to shower myself with awesomeness! I have not yet decided what will constitute my awesome reward, but it will rock my socks off! But this is also a big week because it’s the last week of my 6 week challenge – this week, I kept up with most facets of the plan. I didn’t touch ANY peanut butter, diet soda, or red meat. Desserts??? Well that’s another story for another day… So my goal for this final week is to stick to the plan hard core: no desserts, no diet soda, no red meat, no peanut butter, and last but not least, no Starbucks beverages. Considering Starbucks has become a weirdo addiction of mine, one week without it actually will be a challenge. I’m trying to wean myself off of it, because not only is it extra unnecessary calories, $3.72 a drink is sucking my wallet dry! I could have bought a pony or a small country with the money I’ve spent on soy chai lattes. So this will be a cranky, caffeine free week, but at least I’ll get to sleep in, so that’s something! Adios!
So not only have I shed a couple of pounds, but I’ve also shed about 150 high school students. My long term gig ended on Friday, and it was a little bittersweet. (Much like the homemade cupcakes one student brought for my last day fiesta). As crazy as they sometimes drove me, I will miss them. Not all of them, but a lot of them. There are a handful of students that if I never see again it will be waaaaayyyyyyy too soon. But now I feel strangely empty, and I can’t help thinking, what’s next??? I have job applications coming out my ass, but sadly, there are no offers coming out with them. I’m looking around at grad schools, and I’m also practicing my street performing skills should that become a necessity. I do a stellar impersonation of a dolphin and my interpretive dancing ain’t bad either. Hopefully, I’ll have life all figured out by the next time I report back to you.
As for the weight loss goal, I’m hoping the jump down on the scale is a monumental symbol that the weight is ready to start pouring off of me and I’m over this miniature plateau. Because if the next five pounds takes me two months, I’m quitting and resigning to a sedentary life full of saturated fats and cholesterol! So when the next fiver comes off in the next few weeks (like my optimism?) I’m going to shower myself with awesomeness! I have not yet decided what will constitute my awesome reward, but it will rock my socks off! But this is also a big week because it’s the last week of my 6 week challenge – this week, I kept up with most facets of the plan. I didn’t touch ANY peanut butter, diet soda, or red meat. Desserts??? Well that’s another story for another day… So my goal for this final week is to stick to the plan hard core: no desserts, no diet soda, no red meat, no peanut butter, and last but not least, no Starbucks beverages. Considering Starbucks has become a weirdo addiction of mine, one week without it actually will be a challenge. I’m trying to wean myself off of it, because not only is it extra unnecessary calories, $3.72 a drink is sucking my wallet dry! I could have bought a pony or a small country with the money I’ve spent on soy chai lattes. So this will be a cranky, caffeine free week, but at least I’ll get to sleep in, so that’s something! Adios!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Mi Familia
So…..my scale hasn’t budged. Well, it budged about two tenths of a pound. But not in the direction I wanted it to go. But don’t you worry; I’m not about to lay on the self-pity. In fact, I actually had a smidge of good news this week. I may not be losing pounds, but I am losing inches! (If I were a dude, this would NOT be good news). I measured myself last week and I’m smaller around than I was at the beginning of April, and not just in the boobs either! Those are usually the first to go, but they’re still here. (They may be pointing toward the southern hemisphere now, but they are still loud and proud). So, maybe there is something to that whole muscle weighs more than fat theory, because I have been doing some serious strength training. I’m like Walker Texas Ranger without the stupid cowboy hat. He’s buff, right? Bad analogy. I’m like Wonder Woman with more clothing and flatter hair.
I managed to sneak all five workouts in last week, and I even managed to convince Barrett to be my workout buddy one night through my awesome powers of persuasion. This week I worked in some regular old cardio, the stationary bike, belly dancing, pilates, weight training, and more BOOT CAMP. Amber the boot camp instructor is ridiculously nice, but when I’m doing my eight billionth push up, all I can think of is choking her with her own hair. I really thought I might puke this time. For starters, the sun was out and the temperature was above 60 degrees, so already I was in unfamiliar and dangerous territory. Then came the sit ups, tricep dips, squats, leaps, ply metrics, pushups, jumping jacks, high kicks, planks and sprints. OHHHHHHHH THE SPRINTS. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure my sprints looked more like an injured antelope attempting to hobble out of harm’s way, only to get eaten by the lion after all. But I did it!
In all honesty, I was proud of my lost inches, but the scale stagnation wasn’t what I’d call a shocker. My family from out of town was staying with me this weekend and they brought my grandma’s famous almond roca with them. I told them I didn’t want any, but they might as well have tied me down and force fed it to me. I insisted on just one piece, and they said they wouldn’t be satisfied until I ate the whole gift box in its entirety. Weirdos. Whatever, I do what I can to keep my guests happy, and if my eating chocolate makes them happy, who am I to sacrifice their needs!?!?! So how often do I get to hang out with my aunt, cousins, and mom altogether? Not that often! So when we went out to eat and they said get whatever you want, damn it, I listened to them! I discovered half way through my meal on Friday night that lamb DOES in fact count as red meat. Whoops, another resolution out the window. So this weekend was a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit of an exception to the “no desserts or red meat” rule I had going on. But still…no diet soda for me! And I’m not going to let one weekend of cheating deter me from the grand scheme of things. That’s honestly what I used to do. If I’d eat something I “shouldn’t have,” then I’d let it fuck up the rest of my day, week, or month. “Well it’s Tuesday and I just had a candy bar, so the only logical thing to do is to eat like shit for the rest of the week, sit on my ass, and start fresh next Monday!” I’m a big picture kind of gal now, and one weekend off my resolutions is not the end of the world. Speaking of which, wasn’t that supposed to happen on Saturday? Or did I just not get chosen…..something to ponder….
My 6 week challenge has two weeks left. I’ve slipped up a few times, but I’ve had an 87.2% success rate with kickin’ some of my vices. And I met my goal of 5 workouts during the week. So this week, the list looks something like this:
1. No desserts
2. No red meat
3. No diet soda
4. Five workouts per week
5. No peanut butter
I can eat peanut butter with ANYTHING. Bread? Yep. Apples? You betcha. By the spoonful? Wouldn’t think twice about it. And in moderation, peanut butter can be a great source of good fats and protein. But peanut butter and moderation don’t work for me. I looooooove me some peanutbutter, and my love for it could help explain my sturdy stature, so we’re going to give two weeks without peanut butter a shot. Heaven help me, this one might be the hardest of all. Next week I’ll be peanut free for all to see! (I’d totally say I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it, but it took me a good minute and a half to come up with that rhyme). Happy Trails!
*Shout out to my peeps: Mom, Aunt Sharon, Tara and Jay…it was a rockin’ good weekend and I miss all of you already
I managed to sneak all five workouts in last week, and I even managed to convince Barrett to be my workout buddy one night through my awesome powers of persuasion. This week I worked in some regular old cardio, the stationary bike, belly dancing, pilates, weight training, and more BOOT CAMP. Amber the boot camp instructor is ridiculously nice, but when I’m doing my eight billionth push up, all I can think of is choking her with her own hair. I really thought I might puke this time. For starters, the sun was out and the temperature was above 60 degrees, so already I was in unfamiliar and dangerous territory. Then came the sit ups, tricep dips, squats, leaps, ply metrics, pushups, jumping jacks, high kicks, planks and sprints. OHHHHHHHH THE SPRINTS. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure my sprints looked more like an injured antelope attempting to hobble out of harm’s way, only to get eaten by the lion after all. But I did it!
In all honesty, I was proud of my lost inches, but the scale stagnation wasn’t what I’d call a shocker. My family from out of town was staying with me this weekend and they brought my grandma’s famous almond roca with them. I told them I didn’t want any, but they might as well have tied me down and force fed it to me. I insisted on just one piece, and they said they wouldn’t be satisfied until I ate the whole gift box in its entirety. Weirdos. Whatever, I do what I can to keep my guests happy, and if my eating chocolate makes them happy, who am I to sacrifice their needs!?!?! So how often do I get to hang out with my aunt, cousins, and mom altogether? Not that often! So when we went out to eat and they said get whatever you want, damn it, I listened to them! I discovered half way through my meal on Friday night that lamb DOES in fact count as red meat. Whoops, another resolution out the window. So this weekend was a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit of an exception to the “no desserts or red meat” rule I had going on. But still…no diet soda for me! And I’m not going to let one weekend of cheating deter me from the grand scheme of things. That’s honestly what I used to do. If I’d eat something I “shouldn’t have,” then I’d let it fuck up the rest of my day, week, or month. “Well it’s Tuesday and I just had a candy bar, so the only logical thing to do is to eat like shit for the rest of the week, sit on my ass, and start fresh next Monday!” I’m a big picture kind of gal now, and one weekend off my resolutions is not the end of the world. Speaking of which, wasn’t that supposed to happen on Saturday? Or did I just not get chosen…..something to ponder….
My 6 week challenge has two weeks left. I’ve slipped up a few times, but I’ve had an 87.2% success rate with kickin’ some of my vices. And I met my goal of 5 workouts during the week. So this week, the list looks something like this:
1. No desserts
2. No red meat
3. No diet soda
4. Five workouts per week
5. No peanut butter
I can eat peanut butter with ANYTHING. Bread? Yep. Apples? You betcha. By the spoonful? Wouldn’t think twice about it. And in moderation, peanut butter can be a great source of good fats and protein. But peanut butter and moderation don’t work for me. I looooooove me some peanutbutter, and my love for it could help explain my sturdy stature, so we’re going to give two weeks without peanut butter a shot. Heaven help me, this one might be the hardest of all. Next week I’ll be peanut free for all to see! (I’d totally say I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it, but it took me a good minute and a half to come up with that rhyme). Happy Trails!
*Shout out to my peeps: Mom, Aunt Sharon, Tara and Jay…it was a rockin’ good weekend and I miss all of you already
Monday, May 16, 2011
There goes the Tortoise
AAARRRRGGGHHHHHRRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Can you sense the frustration? Did it come through loud and clear??? Good! Because it is pretty apparent on this end! I am hovering at about the same stinky number for the second week in a row. Earlier this week I took a sneak peek on the scale and it was looking like I’d earn my massage, but then I got sick and spent the last few days hacking up phlegm and wallowing in illness and self pity. Sweet mother of all that is holy, I can’t even listen to my own excuses anymore! I’m sick, my calf hurts, teenagers are making my life miserable… the list is endless! But am I doing everything I can to make this happen? Isn’t it about time I suck it up and take this metaphorical bull by his balls? I mean, we all know the story of the tortoise and the hare, but as of right now the tortoise is speeding by me like a cheetah. So what am I going do to get back on the horse? (P.S. what’s with all the animal metaphors today?) For starters, I’m going to take a break from this blog and go workout. Be back shortly.
Did you miss me? Because I actually did take a 30 minute break to workout. I was thinking to myself, “You could whine about how nothing’s happening and sit and write about how you’re going to change, or you could do something RIGHT NOW.” So I got my lazy arse off the couch and turned on Exercise TV on Demand and mixed and matched a couple workouts. I did the Big Day Bootcamp, which is supposed to be for soon-to-be-brides, but hell, if it works… and then after that I mixed it up with a quick belly dancing session. I think that just maybe belly dancing was designed for people with a little more coordination and grace than I have. It’s just a hunch, but I think I look like a dick when I try to dance. Well, it’s not so much a hunch; it’s more like I’ve been told by NUMEROUS sources. Apparently I do the white man’s overbite and I only have one move...but personally, I think everyone’s just jealous of Old Faithful. (That’s what I call my fist-pump-booty-shake-bonanza-of-awesomness).
So back to my plan to shake out of my month long slump of not going anywhere! Are you guys sick of reading about this? Because I’m sick of writing about my microscopic milestones and not having a BIG one to report. If I was on the Biggest Loser I would have lost half my body weight and then some by now! I’ve started to dread Mondays because I have to tell the “world” that I haven’t made much of a change and it’s same ol’ same ol’. So I thought to myself about my 6 week challenge of which so far I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and red meat, and I thought instead of taking something away this week, I’d add something instead. I was going to give up NOT flossing, but Barrett says that’s gross and I shouldn’t admit to people that I don’t floss on a regular basis. Too late. And besides, I have no shame about, well, anything. So instead of giving something up this week, I’m going to complete FIVE workouts this week, which will be a big change from this past sedentary week. I can check off today, and I’ll have boot camp this Thursday which means that I just have to squeeze three more workouts in. If I don’t make it to twenty pounds next week, so help me I’m going to resort to my own homemade liposuction kit. I’m thinking a kitchen knife, a straw, and a Dust Buster ought to do the trick. So if you don’t hear from me next week, I’ll probably be in the hospital from my homemade medical marvel. Despite my stupid stagnation, I’m optimistic this week and I hope you all have a GLORIOUS week as well.
Did you miss me? Because I actually did take a 30 minute break to workout. I was thinking to myself, “You could whine about how nothing’s happening and sit and write about how you’re going to change, or you could do something RIGHT NOW.” So I got my lazy arse off the couch and turned on Exercise TV on Demand and mixed and matched a couple workouts. I did the Big Day Bootcamp, which is supposed to be for soon-to-be-brides, but hell, if it works… and then after that I mixed it up with a quick belly dancing session. I think that just maybe belly dancing was designed for people with a little more coordination and grace than I have. It’s just a hunch, but I think I look like a dick when I try to dance. Well, it’s not so much a hunch; it’s more like I’ve been told by NUMEROUS sources. Apparently I do the white man’s overbite and I only have one move...but personally, I think everyone’s just jealous of Old Faithful. (That’s what I call my fist-pump-booty-shake-bonanza-of-awesomness).
So back to my plan to shake out of my month long slump of not going anywhere! Are you guys sick of reading about this? Because I’m sick of writing about my microscopic milestones and not having a BIG one to report. If I was on the Biggest Loser I would have lost half my body weight and then some by now! I’ve started to dread Mondays because I have to tell the “world” that I haven’t made much of a change and it’s same ol’ same ol’. So I thought to myself about my 6 week challenge of which so far I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and red meat, and I thought instead of taking something away this week, I’d add something instead. I was going to give up NOT flossing, but Barrett says that’s gross and I shouldn’t admit to people that I don’t floss on a regular basis. Too late. And besides, I have no shame about, well, anything. So instead of giving something up this week, I’m going to complete FIVE workouts this week, which will be a big change from this past sedentary week. I can check off today, and I’ll have boot camp this Thursday which means that I just have to squeeze three more workouts in. If I don’t make it to twenty pounds next week, so help me I’m going to resort to my own homemade liposuction kit. I’m thinking a kitchen knife, a straw, and a Dust Buster ought to do the trick. So if you don’t hear from me next week, I’ll probably be in the hospital from my homemade medical marvel. Despite my stupid stagnation, I’m optimistic this week and I hope you all have a GLORIOUS week as well.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Boot Camp Burn!
Sooooooooooo, it’s about 9:45, which is dangerously close to my bed time. Yes, I am that much of a grandmother. It’s been a busy day, and I was contemplating putting off my blog until tomorrow, but according to Barrett, “that would set a bad precedent.” (Insert mocking tone of voice here). So I’m going to make this bad boy short and sweet so I can drag my tired hiney to bed. Down another pound, and I’m bound and determined to hit the 20 pound milestone by next blog! It’s going to be LEGENDARY! I mean, think about it! Carrying those extra pounds on me is like carrying a two year old child around with me ALL THE TIME. I’ve almost officially lost a toddler. I mean, not literally, but you get where I’m going with this. It’s been a looooong and slooooooow road to get to this landmark, but I have to be proud of myself because I’ve stuck with it. And as evidenced by my boxes of half completed hobbies in the garage, I’m not always the best at sticking to things.
So this week brought on a brand new challenge in the form of BOOT CAMP. A friend of mine signed us up for a weekly boot camp challenge where we pay to get our asses kicked. It sounds vaguely like a dominatrix type deal, but I’m pretty sure those ladies charge more than $10 an hour. Or so I’ve heard. So it was a long, torturous hour and a half proving how few jumping jacks and sprints I could actually do. And this was just the fitness assessment! What happens this week when it’s the actual workout!?!?!?! I’m going to have my ass handed to me. The instructor is good; I actually kind of wish she was a bitch, because then I would have felt better about the evil vibes I was sending her way while trying to crab walk across the park. But the truth is she pushed me hard without being a North Korean style dictator. I’m kind of, sort of, just a little bit looking forward to this week’s work out. (Especially the part where I get to hook a high tech strap around “the girls” so it can keep track of my heart rate).
As for my 6 week Lint challenge, I’ve officially eliminated the soda and have done well. The desserts??? I miiiiiiiiiiight have had a small setback or two this week. My weakness is cupcakes, and the german chocolate one in the staff room was calling me. I was powerless to stop it! But I’ll forgive myself a slip up and get back on the horse. I haven’t missed the sweets as much as I thought I would, and I’ve been replacing desserts with fruits, especially mangoes. A mango a day is my newfound OBSESSION. Call me crazy, but they just might be as good as cupcakes. No, no, I take that back. But they ARE good. So what am I giving up this week? I wanted to give up shaving my legs, but Barrett says that would be pointless because I’ve pretty much given up on that since we started dating. I thought about giving up the snooze button so I could be more alert and energized, but then I decided that energy and more time in the morning is overrated. So I’ve decided to give up red meat for the next four weeks because I think I’d pick sleep over a steak any day of the week. (If I could, I would sleep 10-11 hours a night and still take a nap when I got home). So I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and now red meat from my diet for the next four weeks. Bye bye Outback Steakhouse, I’ll see you in four weeks! And I’ll see the rest of you next Monday ~ have a glorious week!
So this week brought on a brand new challenge in the form of BOOT CAMP. A friend of mine signed us up for a weekly boot camp challenge where we pay to get our asses kicked. It sounds vaguely like a dominatrix type deal, but I’m pretty sure those ladies charge more than $10 an hour. Or so I’ve heard. So it was a long, torturous hour and a half proving how few jumping jacks and sprints I could actually do. And this was just the fitness assessment! What happens this week when it’s the actual workout!?!?!?! I’m going to have my ass handed to me. The instructor is good; I actually kind of wish she was a bitch, because then I would have felt better about the evil vibes I was sending her way while trying to crab walk across the park. But the truth is she pushed me hard without being a North Korean style dictator. I’m kind of, sort of, just a little bit looking forward to this week’s work out. (Especially the part where I get to hook a high tech strap around “the girls” so it can keep track of my heart rate).
As for my 6 week Lint challenge, I’ve officially eliminated the soda and have done well. The desserts??? I miiiiiiiiiiight have had a small setback or two this week. My weakness is cupcakes, and the german chocolate one in the staff room was calling me. I was powerless to stop it! But I’ll forgive myself a slip up and get back on the horse. I haven’t missed the sweets as much as I thought I would, and I’ve been replacing desserts with fruits, especially mangoes. A mango a day is my newfound OBSESSION. Call me crazy, but they just might be as good as cupcakes. No, no, I take that back. But they ARE good. So what am I giving up this week? I wanted to give up shaving my legs, but Barrett says that would be pointless because I’ve pretty much given up on that since we started dating. I thought about giving up the snooze button so I could be more alert and energized, but then I decided that energy and more time in the morning is overrated. So I’ve decided to give up red meat for the next four weeks because I think I’d pick sleep over a steak any day of the week. (If I could, I would sleep 10-11 hours a night and still take a nap when I got home). So I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and now red meat from my diet for the next four weeks. Bye bye Outback Steakhouse, I’ll see you in four weeks! And I’ll see the rest of you next Monday ~ have a glorious week!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Better Late than Never???
Forgive me Father, for I have written my blog a day late. I wish I had a good excuse, but the truth of the matter is, I prioritized sleep over blogging. And I’d probably do it again. But enough of my slackitude; on to bigger (or should I say smaller) and better things. The scale finally budged, and in the right direction I might add. Not a lot, but I’m a pound and a half closer to my massage! Three and a half pounds to go until my naked rub-down! Yeeeeeeehaw! I’m a little exclamation point happy today! It’s been a good day. The weather’s nice, students didn’t drive me bat shit crazy, and I got in a good workout. It’s one of those days that makes me want to shave my legs and take on the world.
So this week I did something I’ve never done before. I met with a personal trainer. It started when I was at the gym and I saw this girl doing fancy pants crunches, so I asked her for some moves. She told me she was actually a trainer and I could have a free session because I’m just that awesome. Or it’s the gym’s policy. But I’m sticking with the awesome theory. So on Saturday she whipped me into shape with a personalized workout dedicated to making my thighs burn and my triceps quiver. I’m not kidding when I say that my thighs have ached for the past three days. And not in an “oh, this is mildly uncomfortable but I barely notice it” kind of way. I mean in a whiny, miserable, can’t climb stairs without wanting to amputate something kind of way. She worked me to the bone! The only complaint I had was that she was too easy on me! I was sort of hoping for a Nazi Bitch who would call me demeaning names and kick my ass, but if I complained about something being too hard, she offered to get me lighter weights! She wasn’t supposed to give into my whiny whims! It’s like at Christmas time when I beg people to tell me what they’ve bought, but if they so much as hint at what my present is, I throw a big ol’ hissy fit. So in the end, she taught me the moves, but I ended up kicking my own ass.
My other accomplishment this week was surviving without dessert! I had an almost 100% success rate. (A student brought me a lemon bar, and it would have been RUDE not to eat it). I may have thick thighs, but I’m polite, damn it! But other than that, I’ve been sweet free for seven days. The ultimate challenge will be in about two days when it’s my, um, lady time to put it politely. And all I want to do during that time is weep and suck down frozen yogurt like it’s going out of style. So we’ll see how that one goes… But as for what I’m giving up this week, I’ve decided on diet soda. I’ve never been a huge soda drinker, but when Barrett picks up a 24 pack, somehow, they magically end up in my lunch. And as it turns out, those fake sugars give you cancer and yada yada yada. So, next five weeks equals no dessert and noooooo rum and cokes for me. Heaven help me. Have an ass-kicking week everyone and I’ll be back to report on Monday, I promise.
So this week I did something I’ve never done before. I met with a personal trainer. It started when I was at the gym and I saw this girl doing fancy pants crunches, so I asked her for some moves. She told me she was actually a trainer and I could have a free session because I’m just that awesome. Or it’s the gym’s policy. But I’m sticking with the awesome theory. So on Saturday she whipped me into shape with a personalized workout dedicated to making my thighs burn and my triceps quiver. I’m not kidding when I say that my thighs have ached for the past three days. And not in an “oh, this is mildly uncomfortable but I barely notice it” kind of way. I mean in a whiny, miserable, can’t climb stairs without wanting to amputate something kind of way. She worked me to the bone! The only complaint I had was that she was too easy on me! I was sort of hoping for a Nazi Bitch who would call me demeaning names and kick my ass, but if I complained about something being too hard, she offered to get me lighter weights! She wasn’t supposed to give into my whiny whims! It’s like at Christmas time when I beg people to tell me what they’ve bought, but if they so much as hint at what my present is, I throw a big ol’ hissy fit. So in the end, she taught me the moves, but I ended up kicking my own ass.
My other accomplishment this week was surviving without dessert! I had an almost 100% success rate. (A student brought me a lemon bar, and it would have been RUDE not to eat it). I may have thick thighs, but I’m polite, damn it! But other than that, I’ve been sweet free for seven days. The ultimate challenge will be in about two days when it’s my, um, lady time to put it politely. And all I want to do during that time is weep and suck down frozen yogurt like it’s going out of style. So we’ll see how that one goes… But as for what I’m giving up this week, I’ve decided on diet soda. I’ve never been a huge soda drinker, but when Barrett picks up a 24 pack, somehow, they magically end up in my lunch. And as it turns out, those fake sugars give you cancer and yada yada yada. So, next five weeks equals no dessert and noooooo rum and cokes for me. Heaven help me. Have an ass-kicking week everyone and I’ll be back to report on Monday, I promise.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Six Weeks of Lint!
Weellllllllllllllllll, it looks like I might have to retract an earlier promise I made (not unlike many a politician in the news these days). I promised a weight loss, but there was a slight change of plans. As in, there wasn’t any. I’ve been hovering at the same 15 pound loss for the last few weeks, and I’m getting a little bit tired of it. Not that I have anyone to blame. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if there were someone to blame? Can I blame it on my mechanic? Congress? Maybe Oprah is the reason for my love handles… It’s just so much easier than taking responsibility for my late night snacking and luxurious naps that took the place of the gym. I’m not a big fan of excuses, but I’m going to give you one anyways. I was actually pretty amped up to dive into a crazy workout routine this week, but I ripped something fierce in my calf last weekend during the move. Lugging boxes up and down all those bajillions of stairs stretched something beyond its limit, and I’ve been paying for it dearly this past week. After work, I’d come straight home and sit on the couch and whimper while sucking down Asprin and begging Barrett to cut off my leg with a machete. I couldn’t sleep (I could still eat, that’s for damn sure) and I was in tons o’ agony all week. My threshold for pain is about that of a newborn panda. I’m going out on a limb and assuming they have low thresholds.
At the start of this week, I can finally walk without grimacing, but it’s still on the mend. Alas, this will not stop me! I’m going to use swimming this week as my main focus of cardio, and really focus on some upper body strength training. I’m going to P.I.M.P. out these biceps! And I’ve also started a new little challenge for myself. I was originally going to give up chocolate for Lent, and then I remembered, I’m not religious, and I love chocolate. So that one went ouuuuuut the window. Well, I’ve decided to partake in my own version of Lent starting the day after Easter, just to mix things up a bit. Let’s call it Lint. So for Lint, I’m giving myself a six week challenge to try something new, test myself, and keep things interesting. I’m in need of a boost. So here’s how Lint works: It’s going to be a pyramid style thing; each week I will take one more unhealthy food or action out of my life. So for example, this week, I’ve decided my challenge is to lay off desserts for the next six weeks. This will be brutal, but I think I can do it. Next week, I still can’t have desserts, and I will take away something else that’s not good for me and I can’t have that for five weeks…and so on and so forth. I’ll save something super difficult to live without for the last week, which for me would probably be meat. That makes me want to eat a cheeseburger right now. Anyways, Lint is my own little pyramid scheme I’ve concocted to give me the boost I need to get back to business! The last three blogs have been LAME! Nothing awesome and newsworthy to report, and that needs to change! I want to earn my massage, and I can’t do that until I’ve lost 20 pounds! I’ll be damned if I’m not going to strip naked and be rubbed down by a stranger in the next few weeks! Ha ha… I bet that’s an unfortunate image emblazoned in all of your minds now. So, did any of you give up anything for Lent? How did it go? Hope all of you had a happy Easter (or Spring Celebration as we are to call it in schools)!
At the start of this week, I can finally walk without grimacing, but it’s still on the mend. Alas, this will not stop me! I’m going to use swimming this week as my main focus of cardio, and really focus on some upper body strength training. I’m going to P.I.M.P. out these biceps! And I’ve also started a new little challenge for myself. I was originally going to give up chocolate for Lent, and then I remembered, I’m not religious, and I love chocolate. So that one went ouuuuuut the window. Well, I’ve decided to partake in my own version of Lent starting the day after Easter, just to mix things up a bit. Let’s call it Lint. So for Lint, I’m giving myself a six week challenge to try something new, test myself, and keep things interesting. I’m in need of a boost. So here’s how Lint works: It’s going to be a pyramid style thing; each week I will take one more unhealthy food or action out of my life. So for example, this week, I’ve decided my challenge is to lay off desserts for the next six weeks. This will be brutal, but I think I can do it. Next week, I still can’t have desserts, and I will take away something else that’s not good for me and I can’t have that for five weeks…and so on and so forth. I’ll save something super difficult to live without for the last week, which for me would probably be meat. That makes me want to eat a cheeseburger right now. Anyways, Lint is my own little pyramid scheme I’ve concocted to give me the boost I need to get back to business! The last three blogs have been LAME! Nothing awesome and newsworthy to report, and that needs to change! I want to earn my massage, and I can’t do that until I’ve lost 20 pounds! I’ll be damned if I’m not going to strip naked and be rubbed down by a stranger in the next few weeks! Ha ha… I bet that’s an unfortunate image emblazoned in all of your minds now. So, did any of you give up anything for Lent? How did it go? Hope all of you had a happy Easter (or Spring Celebration as we are to call it in schools)!
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