So let me preface this week’s blog by telling you I’m just a wee bit crazy on a normal basis – not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy, but a healthy dose of it. In the past month, I’ve accidentally lit not one, but two dishtowels on fire. And I watch the Bachelorette every week. Twice. But this week I was a little more off my rocker than normal. So to provide some wisdom and insight into the complex workings of my crazy lady mind, I’ve summarized my inner monologues from the week – please note, these aren’t exaggerations – this really is how I think. Be warned.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Musings of a Dumb Dieter
So it’s that time of the week again; the update, the confessional, the moment of truth. Well, I wasn’t expecting much because I had several nights out this week, but I guess the two boot camp sessions paid off because I’m down another pound. Truth be told, I was predicting a gain – I mean, that extra cheesy cheese bread didn’t eat itself. But alas, I exceeded my expectations. Maybe there is something to the theory that if you set your hopes down low you’re bound to exceed them. I mean if you aim at the ground, you’re bound to hit something, right? That’s probably why I’m dating Barrett – bwahahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Rules According to Emily
So let me preface this blog by saying it’s been a looooooong day. For starters, I had orientation today at 7:30 in the morning. That is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Reminder: I’ve been unemployed for the last 6 weeks, and any morning I’ve woken up before ten is an A + productive day in my book. So today I traveled to corporate Goodwill headquarters I got to hear about blood borne pathogens, sexual harassment, and the company mission statement for SIX HOURS. Blaaaaggghhhhhurrrghhh. However, I’m psyched to have a job and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning besides watching Lifetime on DVR! But anyways, after orientation I went to boot camp, and I can barely muster the energy to lift my fingers and type right now. I am drained! But in other news, I’m down a couple of pounds this week! (Technicality: yesterday the scale said I lost two pounds, but today it said I only lost one. I’m chalking it up to a moody scale and maybe we’ll call it an average of 1.5) Well, it’s a loss, so that’s something!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Did You Know Gullible is Written on the Ceiling?
Happy Birthday, America! And in honor of your independence day, I’ve gormandized on far more fattening foods than entirely necessary. But since we only celebrate our glorious independence from the Brits once a year*, I feel perfectly justified in doing so. You’ve gotta give yourself days off sometimes. Everything in moderation, including moderation. I love that saying! Genius!
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
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