Well, it’s official. I can no longer pretend to be in my early-mid twenties. I’ve entered the “Late Twenties Zone.” My boobs have dipped further south, my feet hurt, I got my first cavity, and people have started saying things like, “This is a good age to have babies.” Oy! And apparently I’ve become Jewish. Yet somehow, in the past 6 days, I feel as if I’ve become wiser. I’m getting wrinkles between my eyebrows which make me look like a distinguished thinker, and I actually folded my laundry yesterday instead of picking pieces out of the dryer on an as-needed basis. You see that? Growth. Maybe 27 will be a good year after all.
You know what I have learned this week? It’s not as easy as I thought it would be to dive back into my healthy routine after my vacation to Calorie Land. The multi-grain cereals and steamed veggies just weren’t really cutting it for me this week. I refer to this past week as my, um, “transitional week.” It wasn’t as bad as the week before, but I wouldn’t exactly brag about it either. I didn’t undo any of the previous week’s damage, but stayed the same. Did I mention I gained a pound and a half back the week before this one? Yikes! So now I’m back down to an eleven pound loss, which is a little disappointing. But I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist! (Apparently I’m now Jewish and from England). Last night I had a good pep talk with myself (I find I can be very motivational) and I made a game plan for this week. No messing around. It’s time to go big or go home. I have 3.9 pounds to lose to reach my 15 pound goal, and I’m going to do my damndest to make sure it happens by next Tuesday.
Why Tuesday, you ask? Good question. I’ve had a hair appointment booked for a while and it so happens to fall on next Tuesday. I’m going for a new look. I’m chopping off a couple inches, going for the swoop bangs, dying it darker; the whole shebang. So I thought to myself, what if I could make this an entire day of transformation: get my new clothes, a pedicure, and wax these caterpillars I call eyebrows! It would be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the hooker thing. Only problem is, I told myself no new clothes until I hit the 15 pound mark. Cue motivation. If the girls on the Biggest Loser can lose 15 pounds a week, I can lose 3.9! They might have the advantage of personal trainers and a calculated meal plan, but I have the incentive of a makeover.* Moving right along, I’ve created an intense workout plan for myself this week and am also following Weight Watchers to the letter! There will be no extra points consumed by this lady this week! Even though as I’m writing this all I can think about is one of those mini deserts from Starbucks, I’m resisting. Because after all, I’ve hit my point limit for the day, and I don’t need to spend $1.50 on a three bite treat. Damn you Starbucks and your delectable, miniature morsels!
So that’s the plan and I’m sticking to it. And in the spirit of my 27th year on earth, I decided there were other things I wanted to do as well. I am now taking Spanish lessons because it’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, and I’m trying to branch out more and try new things. I just found a teahouse in Portland that I’m gaga over, and I’m reading a book about French cooking. Look at this girl, broadening her horizons! So wish me luck this week, because this one’s for all the superficial marbles. Hasta luego!
*And on a side note, the Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels gets a lot of flak for being a bitch. But I’d like to say in her defense that she’s the bitch who cares. And she gets results! If you’ve ever tried her 30 Day Shred you know what I’m talking about.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Surrender
There are some weeks you know you’ve been set up to fail; weeks that are so full of obstacles, you know you can’t avoid the landmines. This was one of those weeks. Even last week as I was writing my triumphant blog, I knew that this week I was going to beef up like a high school wrestling team. And what obstacles, you might ask yourself, was I facing this week? Well let’s just see. St. Patrick’s Day? Yep. Anniversary? Check. Girls night? You betcha. Two birthday celebrations for yours truly? Why, yes indeed. And what do all these events have in common? If you guessed food and liquor, ding ding ding! Step right up and receive the grand prize! And what do we have for them, Johnny? More junk in Emily’s trunk and some extra cushion for the pushin’.
So this was a week full of Thai food, cupcakes, and booze. (Oh my!) Now, at the start of this week, I realized I had two choices. First, I could be sensible and keep track of my Weight Watcher points and indulge the tiniest bit on a couple of occasions. Second, I could abandon Weight Watchers completely, enjoy the hell out of it, and tell moderation to piss off for a week or so. I chose the latter. I won’t lie to you; the scale wasn’t very pretty come Monday morning, but I guarantee you I enjoyed every freaking second. I drank too much beer on St. Patrick’s Day, I feasted on Thai food not once, but twice this week, and I ate the crap out of my birthday cupcakes. I don’t even feel guilty about it. My philosophy is everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes, you just need to dive into those landmines and realize that sensibility can go on hiatus for seven days. I squeezed a couple of workouts in this week, but not enough to offset the damage. And I’m OK with that. To be honest, this week of indulgence was just that: a week of indulgence. I used to eat like this all the time, and funnily enough, it’s actually quite nice to get back to my healthy routine. But I tell you, if I couldn’t take a vacation from it every once in a while, I think I’d be a mad, raving bitch. (No comments from the peanut gallery!)
My intention was to start the week off truly right, with a hardcore workout, but instead, I’ve been moping around and whining to anyone who will listen about the pain of my very first cavity. Today, March 21, 2011 marks the day of my very first filling. I made it almost 27 years without a cavity, but my streak ended today in a blaze of tears and drool. The only perk was the laughing gas (which might have even been better than all the liquor I consumed this week) and the speech impediment I had for the couple hours afterward. But when the Novocain wore off and I could pronounce my R’s again, the pain sunk in and it’s been hurting ever freaking since! I’ve deemed myself too physically and emotionally distraught, so I’m going to lie on the couch and whine while eating soft, room temperature foods. Shut up, it hurts. But bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, I’ll be sweating with the best of ‘em. So happy spring everyone (not that you could tell in stupid Washington) and have a fantastic week!
So this was a week full of Thai food, cupcakes, and booze. (Oh my!) Now, at the start of this week, I realized I had two choices. First, I could be sensible and keep track of my Weight Watcher points and indulge the tiniest bit on a couple of occasions. Second, I could abandon Weight Watchers completely, enjoy the hell out of it, and tell moderation to piss off for a week or so. I chose the latter. I won’t lie to you; the scale wasn’t very pretty come Monday morning, but I guarantee you I enjoyed every freaking second. I drank too much beer on St. Patrick’s Day, I feasted on Thai food not once, but twice this week, and I ate the crap out of my birthday cupcakes. I don’t even feel guilty about it. My philosophy is everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes, you just need to dive into those landmines and realize that sensibility can go on hiatus for seven days. I squeezed a couple of workouts in this week, but not enough to offset the damage. And I’m OK with that. To be honest, this week of indulgence was just that: a week of indulgence. I used to eat like this all the time, and funnily enough, it’s actually quite nice to get back to my healthy routine. But I tell you, if I couldn’t take a vacation from it every once in a while, I think I’d be a mad, raving bitch. (No comments from the peanut gallery!)
My intention was to start the week off truly right, with a hardcore workout, but instead, I’ve been moping around and whining to anyone who will listen about the pain of my very first cavity. Today, March 21, 2011 marks the day of my very first filling. I made it almost 27 years without a cavity, but my streak ended today in a blaze of tears and drool. The only perk was the laughing gas (which might have even been better than all the liquor I consumed this week) and the speech impediment I had for the couple hours afterward. But when the Novocain wore off and I could pronounce my R’s again, the pain sunk in and it’s been hurting ever freaking since! I’ve deemed myself too physically and emotionally distraught, so I’m going to lie on the couch and whine while eating soft, room temperature foods. Shut up, it hurts. But bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, I’ll be sweating with the best of ‘em. So happy spring everyone (not that you could tell in stupid Washington) and have a fantastic week!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Got Jesus on My Neck-o-lace-ace-ace
So it’s been a pretty rockin’ week! I’m down 2.3 pounds, bringing up the total to almost 13 big ones. I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself! Slow and steady wins the race, and I’m just happy that I’m still on the course. I’ve attempted some weight loss stints before, but after a month or two, I tend to veer off track and get distracted by something shiny. But look at me, sticking it out and being awesome. I made it to the gym five times this week: a circuit class, a spin class, TWO Zumba classes, and a walk/jog on the treadmill. I actually jogged a total of 9 minutes out of 30 – this may be no big deal to some of you, but in the past, I would have sacrificed a small puppy if it got me out of running. I hate running. I hate it more than when people mix up the words good and well, and if you know me at all, you know bad grammar makes me want to stab someone. There’s something truly evil about running; in the past, I used to get winded after about 30 seconds. This is not one of those exaggerated statements like when people say, “I ate a million cupcakes.” No joke, after 30 seconds of running I’d usually be keeled over and ready to pass out. So when I got off that treadmill last night, huffing and puffing, beat red and loaded with pit stains, it was the proudest I’ve been of myself in a long time.
I wish I could take all the credit for my awesome week, but there was a greater force at work, and her name is Kesha. I know she spells her name with a fucking dollar sign in the middle, but that’s dumb and I won’t do it. I have a love/hate relationship with this pop star – mostly, I love her stupid songs and I hate myself because of it. It’s true that she’s trashy and looks like she needs a shower ALL THE TIME, but I defy anyone not to shake their groove thing when “Tik Tok” comes on the radio. I’ve had her music on repeat all week and I find myself dancing in the car, when I’m washing the dishes, and in between classes. I can’t stop. When I’m listening to her music, I want to work out faster and harder. There’s something about her that just fills me with energy (and self loathing), but mostly the energy thing. So I’d like to tribute these 2.3 pounds to Kesha and the rest of the artists on my new playlist. I’m going to let you in on my workout playlist, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t rock your world like it did mine. I’m pretty sure that if everyone had this playlist, the diet industry would be obsolete. It’s that good.
Emily’s Rockin’ Playlist of Awesomeness
1.Kesha – Tik Tok
2.Cee Lo Green – Fuck You (There’s a more PG version if you’re offended by the
word 'fuck')
3.System of a Down – Toxicity
4.Michael Jackson – Beat It
5.Queen – Fat Bottom Girls
6.Rihanna – Please don’t stop the Music
7.Incubus – Anna Molly
8.Kesha – We are who we are
9.Foo Fighters – Best of You
10.Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
11.Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine
12.Usher – Caught Up
13.Wicked Soundtrack – Defying Gravity (don’t knock it; musicals are awesome)
14.Akon – Smack That (this one’s for you, Meg)
15.Beach Boys – Wouldn’t it be Nice
So that’s my brainchild of a playlist. If you have a better one, (good luck), I’d love to get suggestions. That’s all I’ve got for you today, so have a splendid week and go shake what your mama gave you!
* On a random and unrelated note, if you want a reference for some fantastic recipes and reviews, check out my friend Julie’s blog: www.subtleseasonings.com
I wish I could take all the credit for my awesome week, but there was a greater force at work, and her name is Kesha. I know she spells her name with a fucking dollar sign in the middle, but that’s dumb and I won’t do it. I have a love/hate relationship with this pop star – mostly, I love her stupid songs and I hate myself because of it. It’s true that she’s trashy and looks like she needs a shower ALL THE TIME, but I defy anyone not to shake their groove thing when “Tik Tok” comes on the radio. I’ve had her music on repeat all week and I find myself dancing in the car, when I’m washing the dishes, and in between classes. I can’t stop. When I’m listening to her music, I want to work out faster and harder. There’s something about her that just fills me with energy (and self loathing), but mostly the energy thing. So I’d like to tribute these 2.3 pounds to Kesha and the rest of the artists on my new playlist. I’m going to let you in on my workout playlist, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t rock your world like it did mine. I’m pretty sure that if everyone had this playlist, the diet industry would be obsolete. It’s that good.
Emily’s Rockin’ Playlist of Awesomeness
1.Kesha – Tik Tok
2.Cee Lo Green – Fuck You (There’s a more PG version if you’re offended by the
word 'fuck')
3.System of a Down – Toxicity
4.Michael Jackson – Beat It
5.Queen – Fat Bottom Girls
6.Rihanna – Please don’t stop the Music
7.Incubus – Anna Molly
8.Kesha – We are who we are
9.Foo Fighters – Best of You
10.Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
11.Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine
12.Usher – Caught Up
13.Wicked Soundtrack – Defying Gravity (don’t knock it; musicals are awesome)
14.Akon – Smack That (this one’s for you, Meg)
15.Beach Boys – Wouldn’t it be Nice
So that’s my brainchild of a playlist. If you have a better one, (good luck), I’d love to get suggestions. That’s all I’ve got for you today, so have a splendid week and go shake what your mama gave you!
* On a random and unrelated note, if you want a reference for some fantastic recipes and reviews, check out my friend Julie’s blog: www.subtleseasonings.com
Monday, March 7, 2011
Now That's What I'm Talkin' About!
3.1 pounds this week…you know what that means!!!! I’m going to be rockin’ my new Jessica Simpson ghetto fabulous necklace as soon as I can get my booty to the mall! I live just up the street from the mall, but if I drag my sorry behind to Portland I don’t have to pay sales tax! But then I probably just spent all the money I saved on gas money, so that’s a conundrum for another day. It was a good week this week! I’m actually starting to look forward to exercising, go figure. What used to be the bane of my existence is now moderately addicting…I did not see that coming.
This week, I revisited good old Cardioke (I haven’t gotten any better at that whatsoever) and I also tried Zumba for the first time! It rocked my world and shook my ass from side to side. Zumba is complicated though…so many steps, so mine was more like interpretive/freestyle Zumba. Either way, I sweat up a storm. Luckily for me, most of the people in the class were having just as much trouble as I was following the moves, except for this one slut in a pink pantsuit. She had it down perfectly, and not in the humble-I-just-really-love-to-zumba way. She was rockin’ in perfect rhythm with this superior-I-can-Zumba-better-than-you-without-even-trying look on her face. If our instructor isn’t kicking that high, why are you!?!? When I relayed this information to Barrett, he did not empathize and lectured me about how I shouldn’t rank on other people for trying to get the most out of their workouts. He might have a point. But if people look good while working out, I maintain I have the right to call them dumb sluts.
Moving right along, it’s a good thing I did lose some weight this week because I had started to go into panic mode after stagnant scale last week. I was furiously searching Google for reasons as to why I hadn’t lost and what kinds of diseases prevented people from losing weight. I had convinced myself that I had thyroid disease and a special fat retaining disorder. I had concluded that if I didn’t lose any weight this week, I was going to have to come up with more drastic measures to lose weight. These are the top five I came up with:
1. Fill up my gas tank and then have to starve because I have no leftover money for
food
2.Cut off my own leg
3.Parasitic intestinal worms
4.Picture my grandparents doing the dirty every time I eat and therefore lose all
will to eat and live
5.Poor man’s liposuction: make an incision in my belly button, insert a vacuum hose
and just go to town
So luckily for me, the week went well and all my limbs are intact. But there’s a lot of pressure to lose weight this month. The month of March is my last “month of freedom” if you will. One of the perks of being a substitute teacher, aside from the AMAZING salary, is that you don’t have to work if you don’t want to. Or you can choose to work half days. And there are no papers to grade. And if kids are assholes, you don’t ever have to see them again. Life is pretty stress free. Oh, and I just want to make sure you knew I was kidding about the salary thing; the poverty line would be a step up for me. But next month, I’m trading in my substitute shoes for my long term substitute shoes.
I’m taking over English classes at the high school for a couple of months while a teacher goes on paternity leave. So this is my last month with some free time on my hands to keep regular workouts without worrying about lessons to plan and tests to grade. But more importantly, high school kids are brutal, and I don’t need my double chin to give them anymore ammunition. In the words of Will.I.am, “I’ve got to move it, move it.” On the agenda for this week: circuit class, spinning class, Zumba, and more awesomeness from Exercise on Demand! The sooner I get to my 15 pound mark, the sooner I can buy a couple new outfits! And thank God, because these $5 Old Navy t-shirts have seen better days. That’s all for now; be sure to tune in next week!
This week, I revisited good old Cardioke (I haven’t gotten any better at that whatsoever) and I also tried Zumba for the first time! It rocked my world and shook my ass from side to side. Zumba is complicated though…so many steps, so mine was more like interpretive/freestyle Zumba. Either way, I sweat up a storm. Luckily for me, most of the people in the class were having just as much trouble as I was following the moves, except for this one slut in a pink pantsuit. She had it down perfectly, and not in the humble-I-just-really-love-to-zumba way. She was rockin’ in perfect rhythm with this superior-I-can-Zumba-better-than-you-without-even-trying look on her face. If our instructor isn’t kicking that high, why are you!?!? When I relayed this information to Barrett, he did not empathize and lectured me about how I shouldn’t rank on other people for trying to get the most out of their workouts. He might have a point. But if people look good while working out, I maintain I have the right to call them dumb sluts.
Moving right along, it’s a good thing I did lose some weight this week because I had started to go into panic mode after stagnant scale last week. I was furiously searching Google for reasons as to why I hadn’t lost and what kinds of diseases prevented people from losing weight. I had convinced myself that I had thyroid disease and a special fat retaining disorder. I had concluded that if I didn’t lose any weight this week, I was going to have to come up with more drastic measures to lose weight. These are the top five I came up with:
1. Fill up my gas tank and then have to starve because I have no leftover money for
food
2.Cut off my own leg
3.Parasitic intestinal worms
4.Picture my grandparents doing the dirty every time I eat and therefore lose all
will to eat and live
5.Poor man’s liposuction: make an incision in my belly button, insert a vacuum hose
and just go to town
So luckily for me, the week went well and all my limbs are intact. But there’s a lot of pressure to lose weight this month. The month of March is my last “month of freedom” if you will. One of the perks of being a substitute teacher, aside from the AMAZING salary, is that you don’t have to work if you don’t want to. Or you can choose to work half days. And there are no papers to grade. And if kids are assholes, you don’t ever have to see them again. Life is pretty stress free. Oh, and I just want to make sure you knew I was kidding about the salary thing; the poverty line would be a step up for me. But next month, I’m trading in my substitute shoes for my long term substitute shoes.
I’m taking over English classes at the high school for a couple of months while a teacher goes on paternity leave. So this is my last month with some free time on my hands to keep regular workouts without worrying about lessons to plan and tests to grade. But more importantly, high school kids are brutal, and I don’t need my double chin to give them anymore ammunition. In the words of Will.I.am, “I’ve got to move it, move it.” On the agenda for this week: circuit class, spinning class, Zumba, and more awesomeness from Exercise on Demand! The sooner I get to my 15 pound mark, the sooner I can buy a couple new outfits! And thank God, because these $5 Old Navy t-shirts have seen better days. That’s all for now; be sure to tune in next week!
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