I’m back by popular* demand, and I’m back with vengeance! Or, I’m just back. At the end of last year, I realized that I had only committed to a year’s worth of writing and had only met one of my two goals, so it seemed fruitless to continue my writing exploits. I felt I was running out of synonyms for the word chubby and I’d tackled every angle I could think of. PLUS, I’m still packin’ some major heat around my midsection. Did I really take on this project for a year and still come out pudgy on the other side? Well yes I did. But I learned a few things along the way.
I didn’t pack on weight overnight and I sure as hell am not going to get rid of it instantaneously either. And do I weigh less now than I did when I started a year ago? Yes I do. Am I in better shape? Fuck yes, I am. Did I complete a half marathon in December? You bet your sweaty balls I did. I tried a million different things – I learned what works for me and most importantly, I learned what doesn’t. Here are just a few of the things that DON’T WORK for me…
1.If I go out to eat, I will not order of the “light menu.” Fuck that. I’m not spending good money to stare loathingly at my own meal while drooling over everyone else’s meals. I want your best food and it will probably have the most calories. Lesson learned: Going out should be a treat – not a regular occurrence.
2.Working out in the morning will turn me homicidal. It’s bad enough being to work at 7 am. Try and make me be active before that and I will cut you.
3.Deadlines don’t work for me. If I don’t hit my weight loss goal by the time I expected to, I will drown my sorrows with peanut butter and a spoon. Sometimes the spoon is optional. NO MORE DEADLINES!
4.I used to have a rule – you can eat in my class as long as I get to sample whatever it is you’re eating. I found myself sampling weird student-made concoctions just to prove that I was awesomely in charge and at the very least, consistent. Kids can’t eat in my class anymore – largely because the school has had a bug infestation problem, but still – quite helpful rule change. Although my students are trained now that if they bust out gum, they damn well better offer me a piece.
5.Without accountability, I will suck. And I’ll probably lie about it. It’s just me weighing in? Meh, I can justify the crap out of anything. It’s all muscle…I’m retaining water because of all the fruit I’ve been eating, the students have been practicing weight gaining voodoo on me. You name it, I’ve concocted it in my crazy head. Now I have a trainer who doesn’t sugar coat ANYTHING. And I find myself working a lot harder.
So there you have it; a few of the things I’ve learned about myself through my weight loss journey. Ha ha, weight loss journey…doesn’t that sound like something you’d hear on Oprah or a self help book? So I didn’t reach my goal in a year, but I learned a lot and I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. A few things that have changed and are working for me are these:
1.A personal trainer is making all the difference. I know that sounds super pretentious and fancy schmancy, and believe me, I'm paying out the ass for it. But meeting with someone three times a week who is getting paid to kick my ass is vamping up my style.
2.I’m not alone – B Money is doing it with me this time around; and by B Money I mean Barrett Badass Brenner. He’s already lost ten pounds this month! (jackass…) So now we’re making healthy breakfast smoothies and shopping for the leanest meats together – it’s so cute it’s nauseating.
3.I still gots my boot camp ladies for a once a week gossip and kickboxing fest. We’re pretty fierce. And not in the “Christian from Project Runway” way; we’re badass. Don’t mess with us in a back alley or we will cut you. Wow, a lot of cutting references today…
4.I stopped buying desserts, even the “healthier” ones. Weirdly enough…I don’t miss it that much. After dinner, I just kind of feel done. And if I don’t, I’ve been making tea and then kicking Barrett’s ass at something so that I don’t miss the sweet feeling of Skinny Cow in my belly.
There’s probably a lot more that I can’t think of at the moment because I am distracted watching Barrett play dodgeball on the Kinnect. The way he’s watching his movements show up on screen is like watching a puppy who has just discovered a mirror for the first time…
The last thing I’ve discovered is that a rigid Monday blog writing schedule isn’t going to work for me anymore. For one, I don’t always have something newsworthy and then I just end up pulling something out of my ass that sounds forced and stupid. Second, I have usually spent all day Monday listening to students complain that they shouldn’t be expected to do anything because it’s Monday. (Interestingly enough, they have these same excuses for everyday of the week). And finally, my Monday evenings are largely monopolized by watching the Bachelor and hoping that these dimwits here me yelling at the TV when I scream things like, “Bitch, you’ve known him for eight minutes! He’s not the one! Go crawl back in the hole you came out of!” I just can’t stop myself. But for anyone who has been watching, isn’t Courtney the worst!?!??!??! To stick with the theme of this afternoon’s blog, I just want to cut her! But Bachelor aside, I figured I’ll just write when the mood strikes. Maybe it will be once a week, maybe once a month, who knows??? But I’ll keep some blogs coming your way, even if it is just to exercise my own creative outlet.
*By popular demand, I mean my mom and a few friends who are bored and like to surf the web at work
