ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Today I was going to tell you about my tiny yet significant weight loss and my new jogging record, but I’m too blooming angry! Today was the worst day I’ve had in a looooooong while, and all I want to do is punch a baby! I don’t have the energy to be witty and upbeat, so I’m going to vent and YOU HAVE TO LISTEN!!! Or I suppose you could just stop reading and we’ll call it a day, but READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Do you ever have one of those days where you are everybody’s punching bag? Well today was that day. My weekend was spent cleaning, organizing closets, creating lesson plans, and generally hyperventilating about the upcoming school year. So right off the bat, I’m a little cranky and anxious. To top it off, the damn cat has decided that my pillow is the only acceptable place to sleep, so my beauty rest is rudely interrupted every couple hours as I wake up from a neck cramp and have to kick his highness OFF the pillows!
So there’s that. And I don’t know if it’s a full moon, security was loose at the loony bin, or if people are just bat shit crazy, but something was in the air today! Drama, drama, drama – it is like Young and the Restless/Big Brother/Leave me the hell out of it. And don’t get me started on the clients! I got yelled at for more than one occasion – once for saying “gracias.” Did you know this is America? Did you know it’s disloyal and unpatriotic to speak something other than English? I was also yelled at when suggesting that you must first log into your own e-mail before sending a message rather than typing the recipient’s e mail address into Google. Whatever happened to “don’t shoot the messenger?!?!?” I didn’t invent the internet and I did not make the rules! Man, bitches be crazy.
So as I was leaving today I was walking through the store and I happened to see this beautifully framed white board calendar, and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is exactly what I need. This will not only keep me organized, but will be the solution to all my problems – past, present, and future.” For some reason in my crazy lady brain, this calendar was sent from the heavens directly for me at the glorious price of $3.99. Gotta love thrift stores. But alas, when I arrived at the checkout stand, I was not allowed to purchase it because it had not been on display for at least two days and employees have to give the rest of the public a fair stab at everything. So according to company policy, no sale for Emily. So what do I do? If you guessed start sobbing the second I leave the store, then call me later to collect your grand prize! Who knew a dry erase board calendar would have been the straw to break the camel’s back?
So I went home, collected myself and did some yoga to relax and reboot. HA! Only kidding. That would have been the rational thing to do – nope, instead, I went straight for the peanut butter and a spoon, bypassing the bread completely. Old habits die hard, I guess. Bummer, because I’ve been doing so well, too! I’ve been eating moderately and rationally! But this minor setback will NOT define the rest of my week, or the rest of my night for that matter!
I guess since the primary focus of this blog is supposed to be weight loss, I should probably touch on that just a bit. I lost almost a pound this week, and it finally put me over a hump that I’ve been struggling to surmount. I’ve been struggling with the same three or four pounds that kept bouncing back and forth, and I’m finally into new unchartered territory, and the lowest weight I’ve been in a couple years! Still quite a ways to go, but progress is on its way, and I feel really, really good. I also beat my record this week for most time jogged – I went on a walk/jog for 40 minutes, and 25 of it was jogging. For me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment. So peanut butter be damned, because I’m still awesome. I just can’t keep jars of peanut butter in the house anymore. Ever. I’m not to be trusted.
Thank you for listening/reading my therapeutic venting session – I promise not to be such a Debbie Downer next week! And in a personal shout out, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN PANCAKE!!!!!!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
Monday, August 15, 2011
If you are what you eat, I'm a big peanut butter cookie
Well there have been some developments in the life of Emily Corak this week…for starters, it looks like working at Goodwill was not meant to be. Some (possibly malicious) force out there in the universe decided that I shouldn’t give up on teaching high school just yet and offered me a full time contract. There were lots of pros and cons lists, contemplative walks, and emotional face stuffing this week– but I eventually decided that I would spend this year facing off against those feisty adolescents! The timing is a big fat pile of suck, because I really like my job at Goodwill, but sometimes you’ve gotta do whatcha gotta do. And this is what I’ve gotta do.
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Little Bit O' Everything
GOOD NEWS! I lost a little over three pounds this week! BAD NEWS – I still haven’t undone all the damage I did during family vacation week. See? What did I tell you? I wasn’t stuffing myself amateur style; this was FULL ON professional. Oy! That’s a wee bit on the embarrassing side…
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
Monday, August 1, 2011
Fart Lickers
Ahhhhh, it’s Monday and it’s the first day of August. New beginnings! Or…still recovering from last week’s madwoman eating rampage. But still, to new beginnings! I gotta tell you, after taking a week off from eating like a reasonable human being, it was much harder to get back on track than I imagined. But I HAVE TO. Otherwise the only slutty Halloween costume I’ll be able to wear is a whorish beluga whale or a scantily clad polar bear. LAME!
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
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