Hey, hey! Check out the new fancy changes to the blog! Well, fancy in my book, anyway…a few font changes, some pictures, and OILA! I added a background picture of a beach because I thought it was purrrrrdy. Well, at first the background image was a chick doing yoga outside in front of a sunrise, but she looked way too serene and peaceful. Smug bitch. When I’m doing yoga, my shirt is usually falling over my face when I’m grunting my way into downward dog position, and there’s nothing remotely serene or peaceful about me.
But in other news, I lost a whopping .6 pounds this week. Please notice the decimal point before the 6 – I didn’t have a magical weight loss spurt after all these months on the SLOW path. At first, I felt like my scale was just being moody and spiteful, because I worked out mad hard this week! But then I remembered several trips to the glorious land of frozen yogurt world. And there might have been a fish fry or a pizza night involved in the mix. But I did keep up with my running (I use the word running loosely) routine this week, and after a short hiatus I busted back into boot camp! I have been sore and achy all week, but a good sore and achy.
And speaking of boot camp this week, I had homework. Amber, our super cute and merciless instructor, gave us an assignment. We were assigned a specific five minute workout anytime we thought demeaning and negative thoughts about our bodies. Um, hello? I have stuff to do. I can’t spend all day every day completing my exercise penance! My inner monologue is nothing BUT demeaning and negative thoughts about the size of my ass and my under arm flab! Which, I’m assuming, is probably why she assigned this specific project. So after my third bout of sweaty reparation, I started to think to myself, “Self, maybe badmouthing you IS NOT the most effective mode of communication.”
So I’m trying to retrain my brain not to shout, “EWWWWWW!!!!!” when I get out of the shower. I’m attempting to think to myself, “Damn, your eyes look sparkling in this outfit,” instead of, “Could you look any more like the back side of a walrus!!??” I mean, that’s just not doing me any good whatsoever. No matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS have hips, and a weirdo ski jump nose, and hairy Shrek-like toes. So whether I lose 60 pounds or gain 150, I need to treat myself respectfully and FEEL THE LOVE! Ha, now that I’m done channeling Dr. Phil, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and watch the end of the Bachelorette. So my message to you this week is one of Hallmark cheesiness: Love yourself, flaws included. And don’t forget to wear sunscreen, because it’s officially SUMMER!!!!!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Do the Running woMan!
In the words of Bruce Springsteen, baby I was born to run! What’s that you say? You thought I hated running? Oh, I still do. Just not as much. So, side note, before I forget, I found a bike I reaaaalllllyyyyy like! It’s amazing, but it’s also worth a pretty penny or two. Seeing as it’s going to put a small dent in my pocketbook, I’m waiting until payday on the first to become a crazy, awesome cyclist! So in 10 days, watch out world! Literally, drivers of Vancouver…I forget to look both ways, so please look out for me.
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"The Carlton"
Holllaaaaaaaaa!!! This chick is back in business – weight gain damage from last week has been undone, and just in time! I was invited to be Barrett’s plus one at a swanky charity benefit for MS and the children’s hospital. Getting all dressed up for a good cause??? Heck yes! And you want me to drink free liquor all night? Anything for charity!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle!
Oh bugger! I guess a week in vacation mode is bound to put a couple of pounds back on. I was going to skip this week’s weigh in to avoid the atrocity…but somebody, and I won’t mention any names…cough cough…Kim Brenner…cough cough, told me I had to bite the bullet and step up on the scale. I hate her just a little bit for it, because I was planning on living in ignorant bliss this week. Not to worry, back to business per usual and ready to bust a move! (But I don’t care what anyone says…I’m getting that damned massage…I lost 20 pounds, doesn’t matter if I didn’t keep it off!)
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
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