Guess who finally lost the last couple pounds to reach her 20 pound goal and is going to spend the week looking for cheap places to get a rub down without a happy ending!??!?! Wait for it….wait for it…..IT’S ME!!!!!! Only took me two months to lose these last five pounds, but right now I don’t even care! I’m just so excited that they are gone and STAYING GONE! (No thanks to the Memorial BBQ I just came from…damn that lemon cake). But I have to be 100% with you – I made a decision last night that no matter what the scale said this morning, I was going to make my 20 pound victory announcement. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d gained 53 pounds, I was sick of having nothing good to report and I was going to LIE. Scandalous, I know. Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Well how do we know she’s not lying right now???” Well, if I was lying, I most likely wouldn’t be telling you about my devious scheme, but I swear to you on my collection of scarves that I’m telling the truth. If you’ve met me or been in my closet, you know that I’m not fucking around when it comes to scarves. They are my babies. Anyways, so when I got on the scale this morning, it was a HUGE sigh of relief that I actually lost the weight, and that most importantly, I wouldn’t have to be a big skanky liar face. It’s a goooooood day.
So not only have I shed a couple of pounds, but I’ve also shed about 150 high school students. My long term gig ended on Friday, and it was a little bittersweet. (Much like the homemade cupcakes one student brought for my last day fiesta). As crazy as they sometimes drove me, I will miss them. Not all of them, but a lot of them. There are a handful of students that if I never see again it will be waaaaayyyyyyy too soon. But now I feel strangely empty, and I can’t help thinking, what’s next??? I have job applications coming out my ass, but sadly, there are no offers coming out with them. I’m looking around at grad schools, and I’m also practicing my street performing skills should that become a necessity. I do a stellar impersonation of a dolphin and my interpretive dancing ain’t bad either. Hopefully, I’ll have life all figured out by the next time I report back to you.
As for the weight loss goal, I’m hoping the jump down on the scale is a monumental symbol that the weight is ready to start pouring off of me and I’m over this miniature plateau. Because if the next five pounds takes me two months, I’m quitting and resigning to a sedentary life full of saturated fats and cholesterol! So when the next fiver comes off in the next few weeks (like my optimism?) I’m going to shower myself with awesomeness! I have not yet decided what will constitute my awesome reward, but it will rock my socks off! But this is also a big week because it’s the last week of my 6 week challenge – this week, I kept up with most facets of the plan. I didn’t touch ANY peanut butter, diet soda, or red meat. Desserts??? Well that’s another story for another day… So my goal for this final week is to stick to the plan hard core: no desserts, no diet soda, no red meat, no peanut butter, and last but not least, no Starbucks beverages. Considering Starbucks has become a weirdo addiction of mine, one week without it actually will be a challenge. I’m trying to wean myself off of it, because not only is it extra unnecessary calories, $3.72 a drink is sucking my wallet dry! I could have bought a pony or a small country with the money I’ve spent on soy chai lattes. So this will be a cranky, caffeine free week, but at least I’ll get to sleep in, so that’s something! Adios!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Mi Familia
So…..my scale hasn’t budged. Well, it budged about two tenths of a pound. But not in the direction I wanted it to go. But don’t you worry; I’m not about to lay on the self-pity. In fact, I actually had a smidge of good news this week. I may not be losing pounds, but I am losing inches! (If I were a dude, this would NOT be good news). I measured myself last week and I’m smaller around than I was at the beginning of April, and not just in the boobs either! Those are usually the first to go, but they’re still here. (They may be pointing toward the southern hemisphere now, but they are still loud and proud). So, maybe there is something to that whole muscle weighs more than fat theory, because I have been doing some serious strength training. I’m like Walker Texas Ranger without the stupid cowboy hat. He’s buff, right? Bad analogy. I’m like Wonder Woman with more clothing and flatter hair.
I managed to sneak all five workouts in last week, and I even managed to convince Barrett to be my workout buddy one night through my awesome powers of persuasion. This week I worked in some regular old cardio, the stationary bike, belly dancing, pilates, weight training, and more BOOT CAMP. Amber the boot camp instructor is ridiculously nice, but when I’m doing my eight billionth push up, all I can think of is choking her with her own hair. I really thought I might puke this time. For starters, the sun was out and the temperature was above 60 degrees, so already I was in unfamiliar and dangerous territory. Then came the sit ups, tricep dips, squats, leaps, ply metrics, pushups, jumping jacks, high kicks, planks and sprints. OHHHHHHHH THE SPRINTS. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure my sprints looked more like an injured antelope attempting to hobble out of harm’s way, only to get eaten by the lion after all. But I did it!
In all honesty, I was proud of my lost inches, but the scale stagnation wasn’t what I’d call a shocker. My family from out of town was staying with me this weekend and they brought my grandma’s famous almond roca with them. I told them I didn’t want any, but they might as well have tied me down and force fed it to me. I insisted on just one piece, and they said they wouldn’t be satisfied until I ate the whole gift box in its entirety. Weirdos. Whatever, I do what I can to keep my guests happy, and if my eating chocolate makes them happy, who am I to sacrifice their needs!?!?! So how often do I get to hang out with my aunt, cousins, and mom altogether? Not that often! So when we went out to eat and they said get whatever you want, damn it, I listened to them! I discovered half way through my meal on Friday night that lamb DOES in fact count as red meat. Whoops, another resolution out the window. So this weekend was a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit of an exception to the “no desserts or red meat” rule I had going on. But still…no diet soda for me! And I’m not going to let one weekend of cheating deter me from the grand scheme of things. That’s honestly what I used to do. If I’d eat something I “shouldn’t have,” then I’d let it fuck up the rest of my day, week, or month. “Well it’s Tuesday and I just had a candy bar, so the only logical thing to do is to eat like shit for the rest of the week, sit on my ass, and start fresh next Monday!” I’m a big picture kind of gal now, and one weekend off my resolutions is not the end of the world. Speaking of which, wasn’t that supposed to happen on Saturday? Or did I just not get chosen…..something to ponder….
My 6 week challenge has two weeks left. I’ve slipped up a few times, but I’ve had an 87.2% success rate with kickin’ some of my vices. And I met my goal of 5 workouts during the week. So this week, the list looks something like this:
1. No desserts
2. No red meat
3. No diet soda
4. Five workouts per week
5. No peanut butter
I can eat peanut butter with ANYTHING. Bread? Yep. Apples? You betcha. By the spoonful? Wouldn’t think twice about it. And in moderation, peanut butter can be a great source of good fats and protein. But peanut butter and moderation don’t work for me. I looooooove me some peanutbutter, and my love for it could help explain my sturdy stature, so we’re going to give two weeks without peanut butter a shot. Heaven help me, this one might be the hardest of all. Next week I’ll be peanut free for all to see! (I’d totally say I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it, but it took me a good minute and a half to come up with that rhyme). Happy Trails!
*Shout out to my peeps: Mom, Aunt Sharon, Tara and Jay…it was a rockin’ good weekend and I miss all of you already
I managed to sneak all five workouts in last week, and I even managed to convince Barrett to be my workout buddy one night through my awesome powers of persuasion. This week I worked in some regular old cardio, the stationary bike, belly dancing, pilates, weight training, and more BOOT CAMP. Amber the boot camp instructor is ridiculously nice, but when I’m doing my eight billionth push up, all I can think of is choking her with her own hair. I really thought I might puke this time. For starters, the sun was out and the temperature was above 60 degrees, so already I was in unfamiliar and dangerous territory. Then came the sit ups, tricep dips, squats, leaps, ply metrics, pushups, jumping jacks, high kicks, planks and sprints. OHHHHHHHH THE SPRINTS. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure my sprints looked more like an injured antelope attempting to hobble out of harm’s way, only to get eaten by the lion after all. But I did it!
In all honesty, I was proud of my lost inches, but the scale stagnation wasn’t what I’d call a shocker. My family from out of town was staying with me this weekend and they brought my grandma’s famous almond roca with them. I told them I didn’t want any, but they might as well have tied me down and force fed it to me. I insisted on just one piece, and they said they wouldn’t be satisfied until I ate the whole gift box in its entirety. Weirdos. Whatever, I do what I can to keep my guests happy, and if my eating chocolate makes them happy, who am I to sacrifice their needs!?!?! So how often do I get to hang out with my aunt, cousins, and mom altogether? Not that often! So when we went out to eat and they said get whatever you want, damn it, I listened to them! I discovered half way through my meal on Friday night that lamb DOES in fact count as red meat. Whoops, another resolution out the window. So this weekend was a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit of an exception to the “no desserts or red meat” rule I had going on. But still…no diet soda for me! And I’m not going to let one weekend of cheating deter me from the grand scheme of things. That’s honestly what I used to do. If I’d eat something I “shouldn’t have,” then I’d let it fuck up the rest of my day, week, or month. “Well it’s Tuesday and I just had a candy bar, so the only logical thing to do is to eat like shit for the rest of the week, sit on my ass, and start fresh next Monday!” I’m a big picture kind of gal now, and one weekend off my resolutions is not the end of the world. Speaking of which, wasn’t that supposed to happen on Saturday? Or did I just not get chosen…..something to ponder….
My 6 week challenge has two weeks left. I’ve slipped up a few times, but I’ve had an 87.2% success rate with kickin’ some of my vices. And I met my goal of 5 workouts during the week. So this week, the list looks something like this:
1. No desserts
2. No red meat
3. No diet soda
4. Five workouts per week
5. No peanut butter
I can eat peanut butter with ANYTHING. Bread? Yep. Apples? You betcha. By the spoonful? Wouldn’t think twice about it. And in moderation, peanut butter can be a great source of good fats and protein. But peanut butter and moderation don’t work for me. I looooooove me some peanutbutter, and my love for it could help explain my sturdy stature, so we’re going to give two weeks without peanut butter a shot. Heaven help me, this one might be the hardest of all. Next week I’ll be peanut free for all to see! (I’d totally say I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it, but it took me a good minute and a half to come up with that rhyme). Happy Trails!
*Shout out to my peeps: Mom, Aunt Sharon, Tara and Jay…it was a rockin’ good weekend and I miss all of you already
Monday, May 16, 2011
There goes the Tortoise
AAARRRRGGGHHHHHRRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Can you sense the frustration? Did it come through loud and clear??? Good! Because it is pretty apparent on this end! I am hovering at about the same stinky number for the second week in a row. Earlier this week I took a sneak peek on the scale and it was looking like I’d earn my massage, but then I got sick and spent the last few days hacking up phlegm and wallowing in illness and self pity. Sweet mother of all that is holy, I can’t even listen to my own excuses anymore! I’m sick, my calf hurts, teenagers are making my life miserable… the list is endless! But am I doing everything I can to make this happen? Isn’t it about time I suck it up and take this metaphorical bull by his balls? I mean, we all know the story of the tortoise and the hare, but as of right now the tortoise is speeding by me like a cheetah. So what am I going do to get back on the horse? (P.S. what’s with all the animal metaphors today?) For starters, I’m going to take a break from this blog and go workout. Be back shortly.
Did you miss me? Because I actually did take a 30 minute break to workout. I was thinking to myself, “You could whine about how nothing’s happening and sit and write about how you’re going to change, or you could do something RIGHT NOW.” So I got my lazy arse off the couch and turned on Exercise TV on Demand and mixed and matched a couple workouts. I did the Big Day Bootcamp, which is supposed to be for soon-to-be-brides, but hell, if it works… and then after that I mixed it up with a quick belly dancing session. I think that just maybe belly dancing was designed for people with a little more coordination and grace than I have. It’s just a hunch, but I think I look like a dick when I try to dance. Well, it’s not so much a hunch; it’s more like I’ve been told by NUMEROUS sources. Apparently I do the white man’s overbite and I only have one move...but personally, I think everyone’s just jealous of Old Faithful. (That’s what I call my fist-pump-booty-shake-bonanza-of-awesomness).
So back to my plan to shake out of my month long slump of not going anywhere! Are you guys sick of reading about this? Because I’m sick of writing about my microscopic milestones and not having a BIG one to report. If I was on the Biggest Loser I would have lost half my body weight and then some by now! I’ve started to dread Mondays because I have to tell the “world” that I haven’t made much of a change and it’s same ol’ same ol’. So I thought to myself about my 6 week challenge of which so far I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and red meat, and I thought instead of taking something away this week, I’d add something instead. I was going to give up NOT flossing, but Barrett says that’s gross and I shouldn’t admit to people that I don’t floss on a regular basis. Too late. And besides, I have no shame about, well, anything. So instead of giving something up this week, I’m going to complete FIVE workouts this week, which will be a big change from this past sedentary week. I can check off today, and I’ll have boot camp this Thursday which means that I just have to squeeze three more workouts in. If I don’t make it to twenty pounds next week, so help me I’m going to resort to my own homemade liposuction kit. I’m thinking a kitchen knife, a straw, and a Dust Buster ought to do the trick. So if you don’t hear from me next week, I’ll probably be in the hospital from my homemade medical marvel. Despite my stupid stagnation, I’m optimistic this week and I hope you all have a GLORIOUS week as well.
Did you miss me? Because I actually did take a 30 minute break to workout. I was thinking to myself, “You could whine about how nothing’s happening and sit and write about how you’re going to change, or you could do something RIGHT NOW.” So I got my lazy arse off the couch and turned on Exercise TV on Demand and mixed and matched a couple workouts. I did the Big Day Bootcamp, which is supposed to be for soon-to-be-brides, but hell, if it works… and then after that I mixed it up with a quick belly dancing session. I think that just maybe belly dancing was designed for people with a little more coordination and grace than I have. It’s just a hunch, but I think I look like a dick when I try to dance. Well, it’s not so much a hunch; it’s more like I’ve been told by NUMEROUS sources. Apparently I do the white man’s overbite and I only have one move...but personally, I think everyone’s just jealous of Old Faithful. (That’s what I call my fist-pump-booty-shake-bonanza-of-awesomness).
So back to my plan to shake out of my month long slump of not going anywhere! Are you guys sick of reading about this? Because I’m sick of writing about my microscopic milestones and not having a BIG one to report. If I was on the Biggest Loser I would have lost half my body weight and then some by now! I’ve started to dread Mondays because I have to tell the “world” that I haven’t made much of a change and it’s same ol’ same ol’. So I thought to myself about my 6 week challenge of which so far I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and red meat, and I thought instead of taking something away this week, I’d add something instead. I was going to give up NOT flossing, but Barrett says that’s gross and I shouldn’t admit to people that I don’t floss on a regular basis. Too late. And besides, I have no shame about, well, anything. So instead of giving something up this week, I’m going to complete FIVE workouts this week, which will be a big change from this past sedentary week. I can check off today, and I’ll have boot camp this Thursday which means that I just have to squeeze three more workouts in. If I don’t make it to twenty pounds next week, so help me I’m going to resort to my own homemade liposuction kit. I’m thinking a kitchen knife, a straw, and a Dust Buster ought to do the trick. So if you don’t hear from me next week, I’ll probably be in the hospital from my homemade medical marvel. Despite my stupid stagnation, I’m optimistic this week and I hope you all have a GLORIOUS week as well.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Boot Camp Burn!
Sooooooooooo, it’s about 9:45, which is dangerously close to my bed time. Yes, I am that much of a grandmother. It’s been a busy day, and I was contemplating putting off my blog until tomorrow, but according to Barrett, “that would set a bad precedent.” (Insert mocking tone of voice here). So I’m going to make this bad boy short and sweet so I can drag my tired hiney to bed. Down another pound, and I’m bound and determined to hit the 20 pound milestone by next blog! It’s going to be LEGENDARY! I mean, think about it! Carrying those extra pounds on me is like carrying a two year old child around with me ALL THE TIME. I’ve almost officially lost a toddler. I mean, not literally, but you get where I’m going with this. It’s been a looooong and slooooooow road to get to this landmark, but I have to be proud of myself because I’ve stuck with it. And as evidenced by my boxes of half completed hobbies in the garage, I’m not always the best at sticking to things.
So this week brought on a brand new challenge in the form of BOOT CAMP. A friend of mine signed us up for a weekly boot camp challenge where we pay to get our asses kicked. It sounds vaguely like a dominatrix type deal, but I’m pretty sure those ladies charge more than $10 an hour. Or so I’ve heard. So it was a long, torturous hour and a half proving how few jumping jacks and sprints I could actually do. And this was just the fitness assessment! What happens this week when it’s the actual workout!?!?!?! I’m going to have my ass handed to me. The instructor is good; I actually kind of wish she was a bitch, because then I would have felt better about the evil vibes I was sending her way while trying to crab walk across the park. But the truth is she pushed me hard without being a North Korean style dictator. I’m kind of, sort of, just a little bit looking forward to this week’s work out. (Especially the part where I get to hook a high tech strap around “the girls” so it can keep track of my heart rate).
As for my 6 week Lint challenge, I’ve officially eliminated the soda and have done well. The desserts??? I miiiiiiiiiiight have had a small setback or two this week. My weakness is cupcakes, and the german chocolate one in the staff room was calling me. I was powerless to stop it! But I’ll forgive myself a slip up and get back on the horse. I haven’t missed the sweets as much as I thought I would, and I’ve been replacing desserts with fruits, especially mangoes. A mango a day is my newfound OBSESSION. Call me crazy, but they just might be as good as cupcakes. No, no, I take that back. But they ARE good. So what am I giving up this week? I wanted to give up shaving my legs, but Barrett says that would be pointless because I’ve pretty much given up on that since we started dating. I thought about giving up the snooze button so I could be more alert and energized, but then I decided that energy and more time in the morning is overrated. So I’ve decided to give up red meat for the next four weeks because I think I’d pick sleep over a steak any day of the week. (If I could, I would sleep 10-11 hours a night and still take a nap when I got home). So I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and now red meat from my diet for the next four weeks. Bye bye Outback Steakhouse, I’ll see you in four weeks! And I’ll see the rest of you next Monday ~ have a glorious week!
So this week brought on a brand new challenge in the form of BOOT CAMP. A friend of mine signed us up for a weekly boot camp challenge where we pay to get our asses kicked. It sounds vaguely like a dominatrix type deal, but I’m pretty sure those ladies charge more than $10 an hour. Or so I’ve heard. So it was a long, torturous hour and a half proving how few jumping jacks and sprints I could actually do. And this was just the fitness assessment! What happens this week when it’s the actual workout!?!?!?! I’m going to have my ass handed to me. The instructor is good; I actually kind of wish she was a bitch, because then I would have felt better about the evil vibes I was sending her way while trying to crab walk across the park. But the truth is she pushed me hard without being a North Korean style dictator. I’m kind of, sort of, just a little bit looking forward to this week’s work out. (Especially the part where I get to hook a high tech strap around “the girls” so it can keep track of my heart rate).
As for my 6 week Lint challenge, I’ve officially eliminated the soda and have done well. The desserts??? I miiiiiiiiiiight have had a small setback or two this week. My weakness is cupcakes, and the german chocolate one in the staff room was calling me. I was powerless to stop it! But I’ll forgive myself a slip up and get back on the horse. I haven’t missed the sweets as much as I thought I would, and I’ve been replacing desserts with fruits, especially mangoes. A mango a day is my newfound OBSESSION. Call me crazy, but they just might be as good as cupcakes. No, no, I take that back. But they ARE good. So what am I giving up this week? I wanted to give up shaving my legs, but Barrett says that would be pointless because I’ve pretty much given up on that since we started dating. I thought about giving up the snooze button so I could be more alert and energized, but then I decided that energy and more time in the morning is overrated. So I’ve decided to give up red meat for the next four weeks because I think I’d pick sleep over a steak any day of the week. (If I could, I would sleep 10-11 hours a night and still take a nap when I got home). So I’ve eliminated desserts, soda, and now red meat from my diet for the next four weeks. Bye bye Outback Steakhouse, I’ll see you in four weeks! And I’ll see the rest of you next Monday ~ have a glorious week!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Better Late than Never???
Forgive me Father, for I have written my blog a day late. I wish I had a good excuse, but the truth of the matter is, I prioritized sleep over blogging. And I’d probably do it again. But enough of my slackitude; on to bigger (or should I say smaller) and better things. The scale finally budged, and in the right direction I might add. Not a lot, but I’m a pound and a half closer to my massage! Three and a half pounds to go until my naked rub-down! Yeeeeeeehaw! I’m a little exclamation point happy today! It’s been a good day. The weather’s nice, students didn’t drive me bat shit crazy, and I got in a good workout. It’s one of those days that makes me want to shave my legs and take on the world.
So this week I did something I’ve never done before. I met with a personal trainer. It started when I was at the gym and I saw this girl doing fancy pants crunches, so I asked her for some moves. She told me she was actually a trainer and I could have a free session because I’m just that awesome. Or it’s the gym’s policy. But I’m sticking with the awesome theory. So on Saturday she whipped me into shape with a personalized workout dedicated to making my thighs burn and my triceps quiver. I’m not kidding when I say that my thighs have ached for the past three days. And not in an “oh, this is mildly uncomfortable but I barely notice it” kind of way. I mean in a whiny, miserable, can’t climb stairs without wanting to amputate something kind of way. She worked me to the bone! The only complaint I had was that she was too easy on me! I was sort of hoping for a Nazi Bitch who would call me demeaning names and kick my ass, but if I complained about something being too hard, she offered to get me lighter weights! She wasn’t supposed to give into my whiny whims! It’s like at Christmas time when I beg people to tell me what they’ve bought, but if they so much as hint at what my present is, I throw a big ol’ hissy fit. So in the end, she taught me the moves, but I ended up kicking my own ass.
My other accomplishment this week was surviving without dessert! I had an almost 100% success rate. (A student brought me a lemon bar, and it would have been RUDE not to eat it). I may have thick thighs, but I’m polite, damn it! But other than that, I’ve been sweet free for seven days. The ultimate challenge will be in about two days when it’s my, um, lady time to put it politely. And all I want to do during that time is weep and suck down frozen yogurt like it’s going out of style. So we’ll see how that one goes… But as for what I’m giving up this week, I’ve decided on diet soda. I’ve never been a huge soda drinker, but when Barrett picks up a 24 pack, somehow, they magically end up in my lunch. And as it turns out, those fake sugars give you cancer and yada yada yada. So, next five weeks equals no dessert and noooooo rum and cokes for me. Heaven help me. Have an ass-kicking week everyone and I’ll be back to report on Monday, I promise.
So this week I did something I’ve never done before. I met with a personal trainer. It started when I was at the gym and I saw this girl doing fancy pants crunches, so I asked her for some moves. She told me she was actually a trainer and I could have a free session because I’m just that awesome. Or it’s the gym’s policy. But I’m sticking with the awesome theory. So on Saturday she whipped me into shape with a personalized workout dedicated to making my thighs burn and my triceps quiver. I’m not kidding when I say that my thighs have ached for the past three days. And not in an “oh, this is mildly uncomfortable but I barely notice it” kind of way. I mean in a whiny, miserable, can’t climb stairs without wanting to amputate something kind of way. She worked me to the bone! The only complaint I had was that she was too easy on me! I was sort of hoping for a Nazi Bitch who would call me demeaning names and kick my ass, but if I complained about something being too hard, she offered to get me lighter weights! She wasn’t supposed to give into my whiny whims! It’s like at Christmas time when I beg people to tell me what they’ve bought, but if they so much as hint at what my present is, I throw a big ol’ hissy fit. So in the end, she taught me the moves, but I ended up kicking my own ass.
My other accomplishment this week was surviving without dessert! I had an almost 100% success rate. (A student brought me a lemon bar, and it would have been RUDE not to eat it). I may have thick thighs, but I’m polite, damn it! But other than that, I’ve been sweet free for seven days. The ultimate challenge will be in about two days when it’s my, um, lady time to put it politely. And all I want to do during that time is weep and suck down frozen yogurt like it’s going out of style. So we’ll see how that one goes… But as for what I’m giving up this week, I’ve decided on diet soda. I’ve never been a huge soda drinker, but when Barrett picks up a 24 pack, somehow, they magically end up in my lunch. And as it turns out, those fake sugars give you cancer and yada yada yada. So, next five weeks equals no dessert and noooooo rum and cokes for me. Heaven help me. Have an ass-kicking week everyone and I’ll be back to report on Monday, I promise.
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