Six Weeks of Lint!

Weellllllllllllllllll, it looks like I might have to retract an earlier promise I made (not unlike many a politician in the news these days). I promised a weight loss, but there was a slight change of plans. As in, there wasn’t any. I’ve been hovering at the same 15 pound loss for the last few weeks, and I’m getting a little bit tired of it. Not that I have anyone to blame. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if there were someone to blame? Can I blame it on my mechanic? Congress? Maybe Oprah is the reason for my love handles… It’s just so much easier than taking responsibility for my late night snacking and luxurious naps that took the place of the gym. I’m not a big fan of excuses, but I’m going to give you one anyways. I was actually pretty amped up to dive into a crazy workout routine this week, but I ripped something fierce in my calf last weekend during the move. Lugging boxes up and down all those bajillions of stairs stretched something beyond its limit, and I’ve been paying for it dearly this past week. After work, I’d come straight home and sit on the couch and whimper while sucking down Asprin and begging Barrett to cut off my leg with a machete. I couldn’t sleep (I could still eat, that’s for damn sure) and I was in tons o’ agony all week. My threshold for pain is about that of a newborn panda. I’m going out on a limb and assuming they have low thresholds.

At the start of this week, I can finally walk without grimacing, but it’s still on the mend. Alas, this will not stop me! I’m going to use swimming this week as my main focus of cardio, and really focus on some upper body strength training. I’m going to P.I.M.P. out these biceps! And I’ve also started a new little challenge for myself. I was originally going to give up chocolate for Lent, and then I remembered, I’m not religious, and I love chocolate. So that one went ouuuuuut the window. Well, I’ve decided to partake in my own version of Lent starting the day after Easter, just to mix things up a bit. Let’s call it Lint. So for Lint, I’m giving myself a six week challenge to try something new, test myself, and keep things interesting. I’m in need of a boost. So here’s how Lint works: It’s going to be a pyramid style thing; each week I will take one more unhealthy food or action out of my life. So for example, this week, I’ve decided my challenge is to lay off desserts for the next six weeks. This will be brutal, but I think I can do it. Next week, I still can’t have desserts, and I will take away something else that’s not good for me and I can’t have that for five weeks…and so on and so forth. I’ll save something super difficult to live without for the last week, which for me would probably be meat. That makes me want to eat a cheeseburger right now. Anyways, Lint is my own little pyramid scheme I’ve concocted to give me the boost I need to get back to business! The last three blogs have been LAME! Nothing awesome and newsworthy to report, and that needs to change! I want to earn my massage, and I can’t do that until I’ve lost 20 pounds! I’ll be damned if I’m not going to strip naked and be rubbed down by a stranger in the next few weeks! Ha ha… I bet that’s an unfortunate image emblazoned in all of your minds now. So, did any of you give up anything for Lent? How did it go? Hope all of you had a happy Easter (or Spring Celebration as we are to call it in schools)!

Did someone really name themselves "The Situation"?

UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is about all the enthusiasm I can muster at the moment. What. A. Week. It was both physically and mentally draining, and I am P-O-O-P-E-D! For starters, it was my first full week teaching, and that took some getting used to. And let me just start out by saying that if children are our future, we’re doomed with a big, fat capital D. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a super nice group of kids. HOWEVER, out of three classes, 1 student could tell me the capital of Canada whereas about ¾ of them could tell me the entire cast of Jersey Shore. And that’s the regular English kids, not even the kids who are taking “Sports Literature” for their English class. I gave the sports kids a 10 page short story about football, and I thought they were going to light me on fire. Apparently these kids don’t do reading. Or much writing for that matter. But, they tell me they are excellent movie watchers. (Insert audible sigh and head slap here).

So after my week of attempting to educated kids who clearly don’t want to be educated, we finished the big move. We went from a small, stanky apartment (although I miiiiiiiight have been our fault that it was stanky) to this e-freaking-normous townhouse. I don’t know how far my head was up my ass when I thought that this was a good idea. It’s bigger than I know what to do with. We don’t have enough stuff- it feels big and creepy. On the plus side though, it’s perfect if we ever get drunk and decide to play hide and seek. Don’t tell Barrett, but I’ve called dibs on the crawl space for my hiding spot. So this place has two flights of stairs – will fit nicely into my exercise regime, and it also makes me think twice before I sneak out of bed to go get a midnight snack. Are the crackers worth the extra trip down the stairs? Hmmmmmm….. So the stairs are great for cardio, but big fat pains in the bum for moving. My legs and back are not in what you’d call peak shape right now. I have a hunchback and a limp and a permanent scowl to go with it. I am sore and cranky, and it took me two days to find the box where my clean underwear was packed. Epic nasty, right?

This week is going to be about balance. Last week, with the exception of the move, I snuck one good workout in. Not acceptable! I’ve been eating like a champ at school (When I pack my lunch I am all about the nutritious and delicious) but when I get home, I’m too tired to fix anything so I’ve been eating whatever’s convenient. And lemme tell ya…convenience and healthy don’t always go hand in hand. So like a crazy scale addict, I’ve weighed myself throughout the week, and the numbers keep going up/down/up/down, kind of like my hormones when I’m PMSing! So….now that I’ve gotten the teaching thing under my belt a bit, time to get back to CONSISTENCY! I will not let stress and high school students keep me from having the thighs of a 12 year old gymnast! Next week I will have a loss to report to you. That is my solemn oath. Oh, and P.S. I tried on a pair of pants I couldn’t wear 6 months ago. Not only did they zip, but my ass looked bootylicious. Booyah!

Let the Insanity Ensue!

I lost a pound this week, but ultimately, I had bigger fish to fry. Or in the spirit of healthy eating, I had bigger broccoli to chop. I worked out pretty hard this week, but unfortunately stress eating reared its ugly head. It was spring break (although you’d never know it from the snow and hail) this week, which should have meant easy living. But instead, this week was a week of prep, planning, house hunting, packing, and hyperventilating. I started my long term high school gig today, so I’ve been making lists and plans this entire last week. I’m trying to work out a way to teach Huck Finn without sparking a huge racial controversy, and attempting make plans for a Sports Literature class for kids who have spent the entire school year watching ESPN for their senior “English” credit. On top of the subject matter, I’ve been panicking about getting back into the classroom since I’ve been out of the game for a while. The last students I taught on a regular basis were my Chinese students, and I could have stood up there making armpit farts and they would have been intrigued.

So I’m a wee bit stressed, a little gun shy, and this week was a lot of decision making about where to live. Our apartment is a bit on the small side, we’re running out of space, and I’m pretty sure that every time I exercise at home, the woman below us starts plotting how to murder me without leaving any evidence. I want to be able to kick box carefree! So we found a townhouse and now we’re doing the ultimate exercise: the move. Lugging boxes up and down stairs and rearranging furniture will get your biceps a burnin’ and your tush a tremblin’. Despite the studly cardio workout I’ll get, moving is nevertheless a gigantic pain in the ass.

Needless to say, I’ve got a lot on my plate and I’m just trying to keep my head above water and not lose it altogether. I’m proud of myself for squeaking in some exercise. I took advantage of the one sunny day we had this week and I walked the mile to the gym, worked out for an hour, and walked back. My thighs are still burning from the 800 lunges I did. Now if I could just stop reaching for the tortilla chips every time I think about the hundreds of papers I’ll be grading on a daily basis. My goal for this week is to keep my cool, not panic, and take everything in stride. Oh, and to stop bingeing like a hippopotamus. Wish me luck!

Fifteen Down, One Bajillion To Go!

Well, I did it! (Almost). My goal was to lose 3.9 pounds to hit my 15 lb. mark, and I lost 3.6, but I’m going to use the math skills I learned in about the third grade and round that bitch up! As my mom pointed out, one good poop and I’ve lost the extra three ounces. I worked hard this week; I stuck to the points pretty rigidly and busted out the P90X. I haven’t P90’d (is that a real verb?) since China, and then I had my workout buddies to encourage me. Or rather, tell me to stop being a pansy ass and stick it out. Either way it worked. On a side note, the main trainer and creator of P90, Tony Horton, gives me the heebie jeebies and I think he has a weird, aerobic fetish. When I’m working out, sweating, and smell the devil, I don’t want to hear the phrase, “Stretch this way or that way. Whatever turns you on.” Tony Horton, I want to make it clear to you that I am not turned on no matter which way I’m stretching. But creepo or not, he gets results, and it paid off this week. So I’m pretty proud of my 15 pounds, but I’ve still got a ways to go before my actual weight is the same as the number I lie about on my driver’s license. I admire people that are truthful at the DMV; although if you’re being honest, you’re probably super skinny, and in that case, I hate you just a tiny bit.

So to reward myself for my goal, I went for a shopping spree! I know I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to get my hair done, and go shopping, and have a big makeover, and yada yada yada, but I got overzealous. I went to Macy’s and bought a couple shirts on clearance (is there anything better than a good bargain?) and then I trotted on over to Maurices. Maurices has a special sentimentality to me because it was the only clothing store other than Fred Meyer in my Podunk college town. Whenever I failed a test, or broke up with a boyfriend, or had $20 to my name, I’d partake in some retail therapy at Maurices. So tonight I was befriended by the salesgirl, and like a true friend, she made me show her everything I tried on, and told me what looked good, and what made my boobs look squashy. And she introduced me to my new miracle item: the spank tank. (I just realized that sounds like a masturbatory reference, but indeed it is not). It’s a tank top that kind of acts like a pair of spanks by sucking in all your blubber and smoothing out the rolls and jiggles. Well after I found this gem, it opened up whole new worlds for me. My stomach thanks her but my bank account does not. But Jenna (I think that’s your name) if you are reading this, I appreciate all your help and advice about what makes my chesticles look the best. Tomorrow I will end the shopping spree with a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase some new unmentionables so I can toss out what Barrett calls my “homeless granny panties.” My question is how does he know what homeless grannies are wearing? Riddle me that!

So the next goal I have my eye on is the 20 pound mark, which is a pretty big accomplishment in my book. I want to think of something good for a reward, but I’m kind of out of ideas. I feel like a trip to Europe might be in order, but I have not the funds or a sugar daddy who wants to finance my excursion. I’ll add finding a sugar daddy to my list of things to do this week. If anyone has any ideas for a good treat, I’m all ears. But my real goal is to lose 7 pounds by my first weigh-in in May. I’ve had some setbacks over the last few weeks, so I want to keep the weight loss just a bit more consistent this month. I’ll be teaching full time, so it will be a bit of a challenge to work out regularly and not hit the cupcake stand every time a student is a jackass. But I think I can do it. I feel good, and I’m certainly dressed the part. So on that note, I wish everyone a phenomenal week, and a happy spring break!