Well there have been some developments in the life of Emily Corak this week…for starters, it looks like working at Goodwill was not meant to be. Some (possibly malicious) force out there in the universe decided that I shouldn’t give up on teaching high school just yet and offered me a full time contract. There were lots of pros and cons lists, contemplative walks, and emotional face stuffing this week– but I eventually decided that I would spend this year facing off against those feisty adolescents! The timing is a big fat pile of suck, because I really like my job at Goodwill, but sometimes you’ve gotta do whatcha gotta do. And this is what I’ve gotta do.
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Little Bit O' Everything
GOOD NEWS! I lost a little over three pounds this week! BAD NEWS – I still haven’t undone all the damage I did during family vacation week. See? What did I tell you? I wasn’t stuffing myself amateur style; this was FULL ON professional. Oy! That’s a wee bit on the embarrassing side…
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
Monday, August 1, 2011
Fart Lickers
Ahhhhh, it’s Monday and it’s the first day of August. New beginnings! Or…still recovering from last week’s madwoman eating rampage. But still, to new beginnings! I gotta tell you, after taking a week off from eating like a reasonable human being, it was much harder to get back on track than I imagined. But I HAVE TO. Otherwise the only slutty Halloween costume I’ll be able to wear is a whorish beluga whale or a scantily clad polar bear. LAME!
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Internal Workings of a Ms. Emily Corak on a Very OFF Week
So let me preface this week’s blog by telling you I’m just a wee bit crazy on a normal basis – not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy, but a healthy dose of it. In the past month, I’ve accidentally lit not one, but two dishtowels on fire. And I watch the Bachelorette every week. Twice. But this week I was a little more off my rocker than normal. So to provide some wisdom and insight into the complex workings of my crazy lady mind, I’ve summarized my inner monologues from the week – please note, these aren’t exaggerations – this really is how I think. Be warned.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Musings of a Dumb Dieter
So it’s that time of the week again; the update, the confessional, the moment of truth. Well, I wasn’t expecting much because I had several nights out this week, but I guess the two boot camp sessions paid off because I’m down another pound. Truth be told, I was predicting a gain – I mean, that extra cheesy cheese bread didn’t eat itself. But alas, I exceeded my expectations. Maybe there is something to the theory that if you set your hopes down low you’re bound to exceed them. I mean if you aim at the ground, you’re bound to hit something, right? That’s probably why I’m dating Barrett – bwahahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Rules According to Emily
So let me preface this blog by saying it’s been a looooooong day. For starters, I had orientation today at 7:30 in the morning. That is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Reminder: I’ve been unemployed for the last 6 weeks, and any morning I’ve woken up before ten is an A + productive day in my book. So today I traveled to corporate Goodwill headquarters I got to hear about blood borne pathogens, sexual harassment, and the company mission statement for SIX HOURS. Blaaaaggghhhhhurrrghhh. However, I’m psyched to have a job and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning besides watching Lifetime on DVR! But anyways, after orientation I went to boot camp, and I can barely muster the energy to lift my fingers and type right now. I am drained! But in other news, I’m down a couple of pounds this week! (Technicality: yesterday the scale said I lost two pounds, but today it said I only lost one. I’m chalking it up to a moody scale and maybe we’ll call it an average of 1.5) Well, it’s a loss, so that’s something!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Did You Know Gullible is Written on the Ceiling?
Happy Birthday, America! And in honor of your independence day, I’ve gormandized on far more fattening foods than entirely necessary. But since we only celebrate our glorious independence from the Brits once a year*, I feel perfectly justified in doing so. You’ve gotta give yourself days off sometimes. Everything in moderation, including moderation. I love that saying! Genius!
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
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