So it’s that time of the week again; the update, the confessional, the moment of truth. Well, I wasn’t expecting much because I had several nights out this week, but I guess the two boot camp sessions paid off because I’m down another pound. Truth be told, I was predicting a gain – I mean, that extra cheesy cheese bread didn’t eat itself. But alas, I exceeded my expectations. Maybe there is something to the theory that if you set your hopes down low you’re bound to exceed them. I mean if you aim at the ground, you’re bound to hit something, right? That’s probably why I’m dating Barrett – bwahahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Rules According to Emily
So let me preface this blog by saying it’s been a looooooong day. For starters, I had orientation today at 7:30 in the morning. That is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Reminder: I’ve been unemployed for the last 6 weeks, and any morning I’ve woken up before ten is an A + productive day in my book. So today I traveled to corporate Goodwill headquarters I got to hear about blood borne pathogens, sexual harassment, and the company mission statement for SIX HOURS. Blaaaaggghhhhhurrrghhh. However, I’m psyched to have a job and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning besides watching Lifetime on DVR! But anyways, after orientation I went to boot camp, and I can barely muster the energy to lift my fingers and type right now. I am drained! But in other news, I’m down a couple of pounds this week! (Technicality: yesterday the scale said I lost two pounds, but today it said I only lost one. I’m chalking it up to a moody scale and maybe we’ll call it an average of 1.5) Well, it’s a loss, so that’s something!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Did You Know Gullible is Written on the Ceiling?
Happy Birthday, America! And in honor of your independence day, I’ve gormandized on far more fattening foods than entirely necessary. But since we only celebrate our glorious independence from the Brits once a year*, I feel perfectly justified in doing so. You’ve gotta give yourself days off sometimes. Everything in moderation, including moderation. I love that saying! Genius!
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.
In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.
Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.
So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.
So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!
*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…
Monday, June 27, 2011
Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
Hey, hey! Check out the new fancy changes to the blog! Well, fancy in my book, anyway…a few font changes, some pictures, and OILA! I added a background picture of a beach because I thought it was purrrrrdy. Well, at first the background image was a chick doing yoga outside in front of a sunrise, but she looked way too serene and peaceful. Smug bitch. When I’m doing yoga, my shirt is usually falling over my face when I’m grunting my way into downward dog position, and there’s nothing remotely serene or peaceful about me.
But in other news, I lost a whopping .6 pounds this week. Please notice the decimal point before the 6 – I didn’t have a magical weight loss spurt after all these months on the SLOW path. At first, I felt like my scale was just being moody and spiteful, because I worked out mad hard this week! But then I remembered several trips to the glorious land of frozen yogurt world. And there might have been a fish fry or a pizza night involved in the mix. But I did keep up with my running (I use the word running loosely) routine this week, and after a short hiatus I busted back into boot camp! I have been sore and achy all week, but a good sore and achy.
And speaking of boot camp this week, I had homework. Amber, our super cute and merciless instructor, gave us an assignment. We were assigned a specific five minute workout anytime we thought demeaning and negative thoughts about our bodies. Um, hello? I have stuff to do. I can’t spend all day every day completing my exercise penance! My inner monologue is nothing BUT demeaning and negative thoughts about the size of my ass and my under arm flab! Which, I’m assuming, is probably why she assigned this specific project. So after my third bout of sweaty reparation, I started to think to myself, “Self, maybe badmouthing you IS NOT the most effective mode of communication.”
So I’m trying to retrain my brain not to shout, “EWWWWWW!!!!!” when I get out of the shower. I’m attempting to think to myself, “Damn, your eyes look sparkling in this outfit,” instead of, “Could you look any more like the back side of a walrus!!??” I mean, that’s just not doing me any good whatsoever. No matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS have hips, and a weirdo ski jump nose, and hairy Shrek-like toes. So whether I lose 60 pounds or gain 150, I need to treat myself respectfully and FEEL THE LOVE! Ha, now that I’m done channeling Dr. Phil, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and watch the end of the Bachelorette. So my message to you this week is one of Hallmark cheesiness: Love yourself, flaws included. And don’t forget to wear sunscreen, because it’s officially SUMMER!!!!!!
But in other news, I lost a whopping .6 pounds this week. Please notice the decimal point before the 6 – I didn’t have a magical weight loss spurt after all these months on the SLOW path. At first, I felt like my scale was just being moody and spiteful, because I worked out mad hard this week! But then I remembered several trips to the glorious land of frozen yogurt world. And there might have been a fish fry or a pizza night involved in the mix. But I did keep up with my running (I use the word running loosely) routine this week, and after a short hiatus I busted back into boot camp! I have been sore and achy all week, but a good sore and achy.
And speaking of boot camp this week, I had homework. Amber, our super cute and merciless instructor, gave us an assignment. We were assigned a specific five minute workout anytime we thought demeaning and negative thoughts about our bodies. Um, hello? I have stuff to do. I can’t spend all day every day completing my exercise penance! My inner monologue is nothing BUT demeaning and negative thoughts about the size of my ass and my under arm flab! Which, I’m assuming, is probably why she assigned this specific project. So after my third bout of sweaty reparation, I started to think to myself, “Self, maybe badmouthing you IS NOT the most effective mode of communication.”
So I’m trying to retrain my brain not to shout, “EWWWWWW!!!!!” when I get out of the shower. I’m attempting to think to myself, “Damn, your eyes look sparkling in this outfit,” instead of, “Could you look any more like the back side of a walrus!!??” I mean, that’s just not doing me any good whatsoever. No matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS have hips, and a weirdo ski jump nose, and hairy Shrek-like toes. So whether I lose 60 pounds or gain 150, I need to treat myself respectfully and FEEL THE LOVE! Ha, now that I’m done channeling Dr. Phil, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and watch the end of the Bachelorette. So my message to you this week is one of Hallmark cheesiness: Love yourself, flaws included. And don’t forget to wear sunscreen, because it’s officially SUMMER!!!!!!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Do the Running woMan!
In the words of Bruce Springsteen, baby I was born to run! What’s that you say? You thought I hated running? Oh, I still do. Just not as much. So, side note, before I forget, I found a bike I reaaaalllllyyyyy like! It’s amazing, but it’s also worth a pretty penny or two. Seeing as it’s going to put a small dent in my pocketbook, I’m waiting until payday on the first to become a crazy, awesome cyclist! So in 10 days, watch out world! Literally, drivers of Vancouver…I forget to look both ways, so please look out for me.
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
So back to the running thing…hold on, back up a minute. The other day, I had a quarter life crisis when I was examining my list of goals that I made a couple years ago. The list, brilliantly titled, “30 before 30” is hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the things I want to do. It’s also a big smack in the ass and a reminder of the things I HAVEN’T done yet. So I realized that in less than 3 years I’m going to be THIRTY. Holy crap, I might as well just sport my Depends and denture cream. So it hit me that I’m getting old, and I better get a move on! One of those things on my list is to run a 5K. At this point in time, I can’t even run five minutes.
Well time to do something about that! I decided to incorporate some running (or waddling) into my exercise regime. Hello Couch to 5K program! What is Couch to 5K? Glad you asked. It’s a program that takes non runners and morphs them into super crazy marathoners! Or, you know, slow joggers who can bust out 3 miles! So here’s how it works…it’s a 9 week program, and each week you incorporate just a bit more jogging into your 30 minute workouts until BAM! You’re running a 5K! So this past week, I completed Week One which means I alternated 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 25 minutes. Sounds easy? Well for you it might be, but for a non-runner like myself it was a challenge. But I did it! I listened to all sorts of angry music (it’s easier to run if I feel pissed off…wonder what Freud would have to say about that?) and made it my goal to run a little faster at each interval. Today I was up to 7 miles an hour by my last minute of jogging. That’s not even jogging – for my short, stubby little legs, that’s practically sprinting. My lungs were on FIRE! But I felt damn good!
So I’m going to keep this up for the next 9 weeks, or let’s be honest, probably longer because I’m assuming I’ll need to repeat a few of these weeks. I’ve also been keepin’ it real with Zumba and boot camp. Did I mention that I lost 2 pounds this week? What what!!!! And I figured out my next couple rewards – when I lose 25 pounds I’m buying myself a really nice hair straightener. I have dumb curly hair that drives me BANANAS. When I do straighten it with my $20 Fred Meyer straightener, it still has a stupid kinky wave that makes me FURIOUS. Some people might think this is a stupid thing to spend money on, but I think we can all agree that when you’re having a good hair day, life is just better all around! And also, thinking into the future…when I hit 30 pounds, I’m catapulting myself out of a plane and crossing another goal off…I’m going SKYDIVING bitches! So, before the end of the summer, I’m going to be free falling without fear of the parachute collapsing under the weight of my ass! Yeeeeehaawwwwww! Happy summer everyone!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"The Carlton"
Holllaaaaaaaaa!!! This chick is back in business – weight gain damage from last week has been undone, and just in time! I was invited to be Barrett’s plus one at a swanky charity benefit for MS and the children’s hospital. Getting all dressed up for a good cause??? Heck yes! And you want me to drink free liquor all night? Anything for charity!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.
Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…
I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!
So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle!
Oh bugger! I guess a week in vacation mode is bound to put a couple of pounds back on. I was going to skip this week’s weigh in to avoid the atrocity…but somebody, and I won’t mention any names…cough cough…Kim Brenner…cough cough, told me I had to bite the bullet and step up on the scale. I hate her just a little bit for it, because I was planning on living in ignorant bliss this week. Not to worry, back to business per usual and ready to bust a move! (But I don’t care what anyone says…I’m getting that damned massage…I lost 20 pounds, doesn’t matter if I didn’t keep it off!)
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
But I did manage to survive a week without Starbucks, so that’s something new and different. I thought I wouldn’t miss it that much, but I did. It’s a small ritual that brings me happiness. I really, really wish I could quit that corporation and support the mom and pop coffee shops. You know, fight the man! But blast it to hell, I never like their drinks as much! I know those poor farmers work their balls off and Starbucks rips them off royally and that I’m paying for a drink that is marked up about 250%....but I can’t help myself. Sometimes it’s just the little things. But I think I might be able to limit myself to one or two a week. That seems doable, right? Yes, I agree.
So what else is new and exciting in my life? Still up in the air as far as future employment and grad school, but I have been practicing for my street performance shtick. I have it narrowed down to my dance that I’ve choreographed to the song “Kung Fu Fighting,” OR my impersonation of a chicken that can say “fuck off.” Any thoughts as to which will have a bigger payout?
Oooohhhh!!! I almost forgot to tell you guys…I’ve decided to invest in a bike. Instead of getting ass raped by the gas prices every day, I thought I’d get a little more exercise and use biking as one of my modes of transportation. I’ve started doing some research (I was a bit naïve…I thought $200 would get me a QUALITY bike) and I’m going to go check out some bikes for short ladies such as myself. The inspiration for this is also due to a certain Mrs. Kim Brenner who has been shedding the pounds due to her uber cycling life style. Plus, doesn’t bike riding just remind you of being a kid again? You know, where you’d ride around the neighborhood by yourself making up stories and imaginary friends? No? Just me? OK. So I’m going to go check it out and become a cycling lady! I mean, I don’t foresee getting cycling shoes and all sorts of crazy accessories, but still a cycling lady indeed. Maybe next week I’ll get all fancy and put up pictures with my fancy new wheels!!! And no more slacking this week…vacation or no… back on the ball!
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