I’m back by popular* demand, and I’m back with vengeance! Or, I’m just back. At the end of last year, I realized that I had only committed to a year’s worth of writing and had only met one of my two goals, so it seemed fruitless to continue my writing exploits. I felt I was running out of synonyms for the word chubby and I’d tackled every angle I could think of. PLUS, I’m still packin’ some major heat around my midsection. Did I really take on this project for a year and still come out pudgy on the other side? Well yes I did. But I learned a few things along the way.
I didn’t pack on weight overnight and I sure as hell am not going to get rid of it instantaneously either. And do I weigh less now than I did when I started a year ago? Yes I do. Am I in better shape? Fuck yes, I am. Did I complete a half marathon in December? You bet your sweaty balls I did. I tried a million different things – I learned what works for me and most importantly, I learned what doesn’t. Here are just a few of the things that DON’T WORK for me…
1.If I go out to eat, I will not order of the “light menu.” Fuck that. I’m not spending good money to stare loathingly at my own meal while drooling over everyone else’s meals. I want your best food and it will probably have the most calories. Lesson learned: Going out should be a treat – not a regular occurrence.
2.Working out in the morning will turn me homicidal. It’s bad enough being to work at 7 am. Try and make me be active before that and I will cut you.
3.Deadlines don’t work for me. If I don’t hit my weight loss goal by the time I expected to, I will drown my sorrows with peanut butter and a spoon. Sometimes the spoon is optional. NO MORE DEADLINES!
4.I used to have a rule – you can eat in my class as long as I get to sample whatever it is you’re eating. I found myself sampling weird student-made concoctions just to prove that I was awesomely in charge and at the very least, consistent. Kids can’t eat in my class anymore – largely because the school has had a bug infestation problem, but still – quite helpful rule change. Although my students are trained now that if they bust out gum, they damn well better offer me a piece.
5.Without accountability, I will suck. And I’ll probably lie about it. It’s just me weighing in? Meh, I can justify the crap out of anything. It’s all muscle…I’m retaining water because of all the fruit I’ve been eating, the students have been practicing weight gaining voodoo on me. You name it, I’ve concocted it in my crazy head. Now I have a trainer who doesn’t sugar coat ANYTHING. And I find myself working a lot harder.
So there you have it; a few of the things I’ve learned about myself through my weight loss journey. Ha ha, weight loss journey…doesn’t that sound like something you’d hear on Oprah or a self help book? So I didn’t reach my goal in a year, but I learned a lot and I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. A few things that have changed and are working for me are these:
1.A personal trainer is making all the difference. I know that sounds super pretentious and fancy schmancy, and believe me, I'm paying out the ass for it. But meeting with someone three times a week who is getting paid to kick my ass is vamping up my style.
2.I’m not alone – B Money is doing it with me this time around; and by B Money I mean Barrett Badass Brenner. He’s already lost ten pounds this month! (jackass…) So now we’re making healthy breakfast smoothies and shopping for the leanest meats together – it’s so cute it’s nauseating.
3.I still gots my boot camp ladies for a once a week gossip and kickboxing fest. We’re pretty fierce. And not in the “Christian from Project Runway” way; we’re badass. Don’t mess with us in a back alley or we will cut you. Wow, a lot of cutting references today…
4.I stopped buying desserts, even the “healthier” ones. Weirdly enough…I don’t miss it that much. After dinner, I just kind of feel done. And if I don’t, I’ve been making tea and then kicking Barrett’s ass at something so that I don’t miss the sweet feeling of Skinny Cow in my belly.
There’s probably a lot more that I can’t think of at the moment because I am distracted watching Barrett play dodgeball on the Kinnect. The way he’s watching his movements show up on screen is like watching a puppy who has just discovered a mirror for the first time…
The last thing I’ve discovered is that a rigid Monday blog writing schedule isn’t going to work for me anymore. For one, I don’t always have something newsworthy and then I just end up pulling something out of my ass that sounds forced and stupid. Second, I have usually spent all day Monday listening to students complain that they shouldn’t be expected to do anything because it’s Monday. (Interestingly enough, they have these same excuses for everyday of the week). And finally, my Monday evenings are largely monopolized by watching the Bachelor and hoping that these dimwits here me yelling at the TV when I scream things like, “Bitch, you’ve known him for eight minutes! He’s not the one! Go crawl back in the hole you came out of!” I just can’t stop myself. But for anyone who has been watching, isn’t Courtney the worst!?!??!??! To stick with the theme of this afternoon’s blog, I just want to cut her! But Bachelor aside, I figured I’ll just write when the mood strikes. Maybe it will be once a week, maybe once a month, who knows??? But I’ll keep some blogs coming your way, even if it is just to exercise my own creative outlet.
*By popular demand, I mean my mom and a few friends who are bored and like to surf the web at work
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
Greetings from Las Vegas!
I write to you from a seat at Gate 26 in Las Vegas, *patiently awaiting my flight to take me back to Portland, where I will slumber for 6 hours and then excitedly arise to educate **eager young minds. And as tired as I am and will be tomorrow, I can’t help feeling stoked that I met one of my big goals this year. And as some of you may have suspected, I did not blow off the 13.1 miles of exercise for a marathon of drinking. Tempting as it may have been. There were moments when the signs for cheap beer sounded like a hell of a lot more fun than running/walking in the freezing cold. But I did it! I completed the ½ marathon in less than 4 hours..which is when they were going to start pulling people off the course. I had this vision of running and hiding from the shuttle vans that were picking up people too slow to finish the race. Actually that might have been fun now that I think about it.
So my goal was just to finish, and I wasn’t really giving too much of a rat’s ass how long it took me. I originally intended on walking the whole thing, but there were some spurts I just felt like running, even if it was just a couple blocks and I wanted to pass somebody because I was sick of staring at their asses. I ended up running a portion of each mile, so I was feeling pretty good about that. I was moving the entire time, with the exception of the 10 minute stop at the Honey Buckets. And NO, I was not in the honey bucket for the whole time….ewwwwwww!!!!! The lines were just REALLY long…although there was one really pushy grandma behind me who told me to hurry it up next time. What did she think I was doing in there? Having a tea party!?! You can kiss the fattest part of my ass, granny!
So after that, I was rockin’ and grooving to my play list and just taking it one mile at a time. Until I was on the ninth mile. That mile went on F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I had my I Pod on pretty loud, so I didn’t notice that mumbling to myself was actually out loud for others to hear. So when I “muttered” “Where the fuck is mile 9?!?!” a gentleman to my left told me we had passed it a while ago and we were coming up on mile 10. Oops. Well, 10 down…3 to go!
It wasn’t until I finished the race that I realized my feet were murdering me and my blisters were epic nasty – I was just too busy trying to get to the finish line. And when I did, they had just run out of medals for the ½ marathon, so I got one for the full marathon. Now I’m fully aware that I didn’t actually run an entire marathon, but that medal went to my head! I found myself checking out other peoples’ ½ marathon medals and thinking to myself, “Couldn’t hack the whole 26 miles, eh?” Never mind these people had the ½ marathon medals because they finished before me and were in time for the real deal medals. We’ll chalk it up to exhaustion and delirium.
Alright, gotta make this quick, they just called my rows for boarding! So congratulations to anyone else who has ever done a marathon or race of any kind, and kudos to those of you who can run the whole thing! Big thanks to the Dorwin family for hanging out with me and making the whole experience more fun!
*Lie
** Bigger lie
So my goal was just to finish, and I wasn’t really giving too much of a rat’s ass how long it took me. I originally intended on walking the whole thing, but there were some spurts I just felt like running, even if it was just a couple blocks and I wanted to pass somebody because I was sick of staring at their asses. I ended up running a portion of each mile, so I was feeling pretty good about that. I was moving the entire time, with the exception of the 10 minute stop at the Honey Buckets. And NO, I was not in the honey bucket for the whole time….ewwwwwww!!!!! The lines were just REALLY long…although there was one really pushy grandma behind me who told me to hurry it up next time. What did she think I was doing in there? Having a tea party!?! You can kiss the fattest part of my ass, granny!
So after that, I was rockin’ and grooving to my play list and just taking it one mile at a time. Until I was on the ninth mile. That mile went on F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I had my I Pod on pretty loud, so I didn’t notice that mumbling to myself was actually out loud for others to hear. So when I “muttered” “Where the fuck is mile 9?!?!” a gentleman to my left told me we had passed it a while ago and we were coming up on mile 10. Oops. Well, 10 down…3 to go!
It wasn’t until I finished the race that I realized my feet were murdering me and my blisters were epic nasty – I was just too busy trying to get to the finish line. And when I did, they had just run out of medals for the ½ marathon, so I got one for the full marathon. Now I’m fully aware that I didn’t actually run an entire marathon, but that medal went to my head! I found myself checking out other peoples’ ½ marathon medals and thinking to myself, “Couldn’t hack the whole 26 miles, eh?” Never mind these people had the ½ marathon medals because they finished before me and were in time for the real deal medals. We’ll chalk it up to exhaustion and delirium.
Alright, gotta make this quick, they just called my rows for boarding! So congratulations to anyone else who has ever done a marathon or race of any kind, and kudos to those of you who can run the whole thing! Big thanks to the Dorwin family for hanging out with me and making the whole experience more fun!
*Lie
** Bigger lie
Monday, November 28, 2011
Gobble Gobble!
Ahoy maties! Long time no chat; Hope your holidays were plentiful and filled with awesomeness. Mine were! The whole fam came down to the Couve to partake in the festivities and we devoured turkey and stuffing like it was going out of style. Shockingly enough, I’m actually down a couple of pounds – how you ask? Well that’s a little tale in itself…
It started a couple of weeks ago when I decided to take the plunge and sign up for L.A. Fitness since it’s only about $30 a month. Plus that pesky initiation fee, but who’s counting? Well I guess it’s pretty standard that when you sign up for a gym, a complimentary training session and fitness evaluation come with. Why pass up free? So last weekend I went in for my freebie session, and they send me to a desk where David, my trainer, is sitting down waiting for me. He stands up to shake my hand, and BAM! We are eye level. Being 5’2 (or if we’re dropping truth bombs I’m 5’1 and ¾) I don’t meet too many guys who are my height. He’s a cute little mini-me! It’s not quite as intimidating to be trained by a Keebler elf, so I’m feeling good. (And P.S. it’s completely kosher for me to make fun of him because I’m short too).
But then, being the pint-sized little devil that he is, David started dropping truth bombs of his own. As in, he made me measure my body fat content. Want to ruin your Sunday morning? Find out that you are wallowing in a big sea of excess fat! I mean, I’m aware my ass isn’t fitting into size 2 jeans, but I’m also able to live in a blissful land of denial that the second helping of homemade mac and cheese isn’t killing me slowly. The wakeup call hit me hard, but not as hard as the 20 minute workout that came next. I don’t know how that tiny sorcerer managed to warp my muscles into limp piles of Jell-0, but he did. He had me doing wall sits while bouncing medicine balls, holing lunges for far longer than should be acceptable, and planks that made obscenities fly inadvertently out of my mouth. It wasn’t until about 4 days later until I could sit down on the toilet without lowering myself slowly while weeping.
It didn’t take long to convince me that this guy was legit and if I really want to transform myself, I’d need some accountability. (Although I probably could have done without him pointing out the girls in the gym he’d like to “have relations” with – we get it. They’re hot. Is this supposed to be motivation?) But I did it. I made a 12 month commitment to get my ass kicked twice a week – and I dropped quite a pretty penny to do it. For that amount of money, I better look BANGIN’ in a year’s time. So between my personal training sessions over the last week and my long walks gearing up for the ½ marathon on Sunday, I actually managed to lose weight over the holiday week. If that’s not BOMB DOT COM, I don’t know what is!
So next Monday I will be writing this blog from the Vegas Airport, hopefully relaying you with details of how I made the marathon my bitch! I’m out to buy some water resistant socks tomorrow and I’m then I’m raring to go! Have an excellent week and I’ll check in with you soon : )
It started a couple of weeks ago when I decided to take the plunge and sign up for L.A. Fitness since it’s only about $30 a month. Plus that pesky initiation fee, but who’s counting? Well I guess it’s pretty standard that when you sign up for a gym, a complimentary training session and fitness evaluation come with. Why pass up free? So last weekend I went in for my freebie session, and they send me to a desk where David, my trainer, is sitting down waiting for me. He stands up to shake my hand, and BAM! We are eye level. Being 5’2 (or if we’re dropping truth bombs I’m 5’1 and ¾) I don’t meet too many guys who are my height. He’s a cute little mini-me! It’s not quite as intimidating to be trained by a Keebler elf, so I’m feeling good. (And P.S. it’s completely kosher for me to make fun of him because I’m short too).
But then, being the pint-sized little devil that he is, David started dropping truth bombs of his own. As in, he made me measure my body fat content. Want to ruin your Sunday morning? Find out that you are wallowing in a big sea of excess fat! I mean, I’m aware my ass isn’t fitting into size 2 jeans, but I’m also able to live in a blissful land of denial that the second helping of homemade mac and cheese isn’t killing me slowly. The wakeup call hit me hard, but not as hard as the 20 minute workout that came next. I don’t know how that tiny sorcerer managed to warp my muscles into limp piles of Jell-0, but he did. He had me doing wall sits while bouncing medicine balls, holing lunges for far longer than should be acceptable, and planks that made obscenities fly inadvertently out of my mouth. It wasn’t until about 4 days later until I could sit down on the toilet without lowering myself slowly while weeping.
It didn’t take long to convince me that this guy was legit and if I really want to transform myself, I’d need some accountability. (Although I probably could have done without him pointing out the girls in the gym he’d like to “have relations” with – we get it. They’re hot. Is this supposed to be motivation?) But I did it. I made a 12 month commitment to get my ass kicked twice a week – and I dropped quite a pretty penny to do it. For that amount of money, I better look BANGIN’ in a year’s time. So between my personal training sessions over the last week and my long walks gearing up for the ½ marathon on Sunday, I actually managed to lose weight over the holiday week. If that’s not BOMB DOT COM, I don’t know what is!
So next Monday I will be writing this blog from the Vegas Airport, hopefully relaying you with details of how I made the marathon my bitch! I’m out to buy some water resistant socks tomorrow and I’m then I’m raring to go! Have an excellent week and I’ll check in with you soon : )
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Turkey Day Conundrum
Ahhhhhh, the holidays are upon us. Next week we will become tubby from turkey, plump from pie, stout from stuffing, bloated from something starting with a “b”…. I think we’re done with the alliteration portion of this program. So how do you guys keep from ballooning up over the holidays? I’m accustomed to wearing elastic pants and stretching out my stomach a few days ahead of time to allow for maximum consumption. I usually make holiday eating an Olympic style event. It takes preparation and training, and then on game day, you give 110%.
So how to adapt after 27 years of bountiful Thanksgivings? I don’t see myself making “skim” versions or anything, because I still believe mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes unless you can see the butter glistening from across the room! And there are some holidays worth being fat for, but it’s that attitude that gets me in trouble in the first place. Turkey Day is my all time fave, but I think I need a happy medium between a boring and bland Thanksgiving and a holiday where I spend 3 hours on the couch groaning and clutching my stomach in agony. Maybe I’ll cool it on the thirds and fourths this year…this is going to be a challenge of epic proportions.
In other news, I’m getting ready to head to Vegas in a few weeks for the ½ marathon! And I’m not just excited because I get to take a day off of work and have a hiatus from the kids… It’s going to be super awesome and I’ve started to kick it into high gear. I’m walking three miles and weight lifting most days and then upping it to 5 or 6 miles once a week. Next week I’ll be doing a 7 or 8 mile walk and then finally I’ll bust it out to a nine or ten stretch. So come December 4th, I’m going to be rocking the strip like nobody’s business!
So the moral of the story is that I’ve got to keep my eyes on the prize – can’t be overcome by pumpkin pie and let all the hard work from the last few weeks go to shit – Must. Keep. Going. I know myself all too well – if I start chowing down in my usual fashion, all will to exercise and strive for awesomeness is GONE. I will enter a food coma and not come out of it for a good long while. So I’m asking all of you – how do you stay relatively healthy? Or are you like me and just say to hell with it – go big or go home? Any advice would be glorious!
So how to adapt after 27 years of bountiful Thanksgivings? I don’t see myself making “skim” versions or anything, because I still believe mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes unless you can see the butter glistening from across the room! And there are some holidays worth being fat for, but it’s that attitude that gets me in trouble in the first place. Turkey Day is my all time fave, but I think I need a happy medium between a boring and bland Thanksgiving and a holiday where I spend 3 hours on the couch groaning and clutching my stomach in agony. Maybe I’ll cool it on the thirds and fourths this year…this is going to be a challenge of epic proportions.
In other news, I’m getting ready to head to Vegas in a few weeks for the ½ marathon! And I’m not just excited because I get to take a day off of work and have a hiatus from the kids… It’s going to be super awesome and I’ve started to kick it into high gear. I’m walking three miles and weight lifting most days and then upping it to 5 or 6 miles once a week. Next week I’ll be doing a 7 or 8 mile walk and then finally I’ll bust it out to a nine or ten stretch. So come December 4th, I’m going to be rocking the strip like nobody’s business!
So the moral of the story is that I’ve got to keep my eyes on the prize – can’t be overcome by pumpkin pie and let all the hard work from the last few weeks go to shit – Must. Keep. Going. I know myself all too well – if I start chowing down in my usual fashion, all will to exercise and strive for awesomeness is GONE. I will enter a food coma and not come out of it for a good long while. So I’m asking all of you – how do you stay relatively healthy? Or are you like me and just say to hell with it – go big or go home? Any advice would be glorious!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Was That an Eight Year Old Dominatrix?
Um……apparently my scale didn’t get the message that it’s a holiday and therefore calories don’t count, because it’s not budging. It’s not my fault I had to test the candy PRIOR to giving it to trick or treaters…I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be responsible for the death of dozens of neighborhood children. I DO NOT WANT THAT BLOOD ON MY HANDS! So after ensuring that the Butterfingers, and Baby Ruths, and Almond Joys were safe for consumption, I will sleep soundly tonight knowing that kids of all ages are alive and well and enjoying a poison-free sugar high.
The fact that it’s Halloween has had multiple effects today. A) Teenagers have been moody because I made them work on a “holiday.” B) I must be getting old, because I cannot stop talking about how the costumes these days are too revealing for children! I could have sworn an 8 year old dominatrix just knocked on my door under the guise of a “punk.” C) I am once again reminded that my midsection isn’t quite where I want it to be to fit into a skanky costume.
I’m 20 pounds lighter than last Halloween, but that doesn’t mean that my cellulite needs to be on display for the world to see. But oddly enough, I wasn’t eyeing the risqué costumes with the same zeal and envy as last year. Have I grown past my desire to dress like a complete whore? Hmmmmm, something to contemplate, because I am sitting here in my non slutty sweat pants, writing this blog, and running up and down the stairs handing out candy to youngsters, and I’m perfectly OK with that. (Well technically we just turned out the lights because now all the teenagers are out and those nasty Whoppers are the only candy we have left).
But if slutty costumes aren’t my motivation, I can tell you what is. I’ll give you a hint: it’s green, has dead presidents’ faces on it, and I usually use way too much of it at a certain coffee establishment that starts with an S and ends with a tarbucks. That’s right…SHOW ME THE MONEY! Boot camp just got real, ya’all! Each member is putting in money every week from now through the holiday season – after New Years, whoever has lost the most percentage of weight gets the whole shebang! That’s quite a little kick in the ass if I ever heard of one! So ya know, if dressing like a streetwalker and/or having a healthy heart doesn’t give me the jumpstart like it should, there’s always cash! So bring it on folks, because I’m poor and in need of my fix! (My Powell’s Bookstore fix that is!)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
The fact that it’s Halloween has had multiple effects today. A) Teenagers have been moody because I made them work on a “holiday.” B) I must be getting old, because I cannot stop talking about how the costumes these days are too revealing for children! I could have sworn an 8 year old dominatrix just knocked on my door under the guise of a “punk.” C) I am once again reminded that my midsection isn’t quite where I want it to be to fit into a skanky costume.
I’m 20 pounds lighter than last Halloween, but that doesn’t mean that my cellulite needs to be on display for the world to see. But oddly enough, I wasn’t eyeing the risqué costumes with the same zeal and envy as last year. Have I grown past my desire to dress like a complete whore? Hmmmmm, something to contemplate, because I am sitting here in my non slutty sweat pants, writing this blog, and running up and down the stairs handing out candy to youngsters, and I’m perfectly OK with that. (Well technically we just turned out the lights because now all the teenagers are out and those nasty Whoppers are the only candy we have left).
But if slutty costumes aren’t my motivation, I can tell you what is. I’ll give you a hint: it’s green, has dead presidents’ faces on it, and I usually use way too much of it at a certain coffee establishment that starts with an S and ends with a tarbucks. That’s right…SHOW ME THE MONEY! Boot camp just got real, ya’all! Each member is putting in money every week from now through the holiday season – after New Years, whoever has lost the most percentage of weight gets the whole shebang! That’s quite a little kick in the ass if I ever heard of one! So ya know, if dressing like a streetwalker and/or having a healthy heart doesn’t give me the jumpstart like it should, there’s always cash! So bring it on folks, because I’m poor and in need of my fix! (My Powell’s Bookstore fix that is!)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Monday, October 24, 2011
I am a Tower of Power!
So for the love of all that is holy, and for my sanity as well as yours, I decided to put this whole Eeyore sad sack thing on the back burner for now and be HAPPY! And what isn’t there to be happy about? Persimmons have finally made their way back to Costco! (I can only buy one dozen at a time because I can go to town on a bowl of those bitches). I showed a movie last week in class, and therefore there was considerably less whining. I went to a concert put on by Tower of Power and got my underwear signed by some aging funk stars! It was brand new underwear in case you were wondering…I didn’t want the funk stars to smell my funk if you catch my drift…AND, to top it all off, I went out Friday night and drank like a college frat boy, and IT. WAS. AWESOME. I haven’t done that in ages and it was the remedy I needed.
But beyond that, I also stuck to my workout goal. Granted, it wasn’t a super high reaching goal to get three workouts in, but it tripled the amount of workouts I’ve had in the last few weeks. I zumba’d (is that a verb?) with the teachers, burned massive amounts of calories at boot camp, and worked out at LA Fitness (more on that to come).
Boot camp had an edge this week because I was the only one there. Just me and Amber. No distractions, nowhere to hide, no mercy. Amber’s working out along side of me, and I have no legit excuses because I didn’t just push a human out of my vagina 4 weeks ago. I had to suck it up and go the distance. Among other things, I did 140 triceps dips that day. My shoulders were on fire. If I could have smacked Amber I would have, but she would have needed to lift my arms up to help me do it. But that one on one workout was the kick in the ass I’ve been missing and needing. I left there with my lungs week and my body a throbbing mess – and it’s the best I’ve felt in a LONG time.
So now for the gym. Quick backtrack – Barrett and I quit the membership to the old folks country club because it was too pricy and we were finding more resourceful ways to work out. But then like a beacon of awesomeness, I came home one day to find a 30 day free pass to LA Fitness taped to my door. Thirty days of a free gym membership? Don’t mind if I do! So yesterday I stroll into the gym ready to drop it like it’s hot, but I forgot that anytime you go into a new gym, they do that whole consultation thing about your fitness goals and your workout history and your blood type and childhood aspirations and yada yada yada. So I’m about to meet with my new gym correspondent, whose muscles are too big and whose teeth are too white, and I start feeling just the teensiest bit intimidated. But then he starts talking, and he’s a doll and not intimidating at all, and is even more fabulous because he’s gay. This guy is going to be my new gay best friend and we’re going to be workout buddies and shopping partners. BUT THEN….he mentions his wife and daughter. BACK THE TRUCK UP. How are you not gay? You just used the phrase, “Let’s get real girl, mmmmkay?” Why are the good ones always straight!?!?!? Such a shame.
So my allegedly straight new gym buddy gives me the tour, and it’s pretty fancy schmancy - a lot different than I’m used to, but the equipment is plentiful and clean, so sign me up! I hop on a treadmill, and because I forgot my I Pod, I’m doing a lot of people watching to make the time go by faster. Holy hot pants, Batman! What’s with all the matching gym wear? When did it become uncool to throw on yesterday’s smelly t-shirt and call it good? AND WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER CHUBBY PEOPLE!?!?!? Why is everyone in shape and wearing color coordinated outfits? I can barely get my work clothes to match, let alone my gym shoes and gym shirt! I miss the old farts! What is this place!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
I didn’t realize it at first, but it hit me when I was working out at this place that it’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to a legitimate fitness club. Not that the gym at the country club wasn’t great, but it helps your self esteem when you’re the youngest one there by about 60 years. So now I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and I think I need to go shopping for studly gym attire. But to step it up a notch, I’m insisting to myself that I get four workouts in this week, and at least two of them will be at the big, scary new gym. And I’m excited about it, because hot diggity damn, it felt soooooooo good to work out again – it was just the stress relief and “me time” that I needed. So here’s to “me time” and happiness and restored optimism that will hopefully last longer than a week – cheers and ‘til next time!
But beyond that, I also stuck to my workout goal. Granted, it wasn’t a super high reaching goal to get three workouts in, but it tripled the amount of workouts I’ve had in the last few weeks. I zumba’d (is that a verb?) with the teachers, burned massive amounts of calories at boot camp, and worked out at LA Fitness (more on that to come).
Boot camp had an edge this week because I was the only one there. Just me and Amber. No distractions, nowhere to hide, no mercy. Amber’s working out along side of me, and I have no legit excuses because I didn’t just push a human out of my vagina 4 weeks ago. I had to suck it up and go the distance. Among other things, I did 140 triceps dips that day. My shoulders were on fire. If I could have smacked Amber I would have, but she would have needed to lift my arms up to help me do it. But that one on one workout was the kick in the ass I’ve been missing and needing. I left there with my lungs week and my body a throbbing mess – and it’s the best I’ve felt in a LONG time.
So now for the gym. Quick backtrack – Barrett and I quit the membership to the old folks country club because it was too pricy and we were finding more resourceful ways to work out. But then like a beacon of awesomeness, I came home one day to find a 30 day free pass to LA Fitness taped to my door. Thirty days of a free gym membership? Don’t mind if I do! So yesterday I stroll into the gym ready to drop it like it’s hot, but I forgot that anytime you go into a new gym, they do that whole consultation thing about your fitness goals and your workout history and your blood type and childhood aspirations and yada yada yada. So I’m about to meet with my new gym correspondent, whose muscles are too big and whose teeth are too white, and I start feeling just the teensiest bit intimidated. But then he starts talking, and he’s a doll and not intimidating at all, and is even more fabulous because he’s gay. This guy is going to be my new gay best friend and we’re going to be workout buddies and shopping partners. BUT THEN….he mentions his wife and daughter. BACK THE TRUCK UP. How are you not gay? You just used the phrase, “Let’s get real girl, mmmmkay?” Why are the good ones always straight!?!?!? Such a shame.
So my allegedly straight new gym buddy gives me the tour, and it’s pretty fancy schmancy - a lot different than I’m used to, but the equipment is plentiful and clean, so sign me up! I hop on a treadmill, and because I forgot my I Pod, I’m doing a lot of people watching to make the time go by faster. Holy hot pants, Batman! What’s with all the matching gym wear? When did it become uncool to throw on yesterday’s smelly t-shirt and call it good? AND WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER CHUBBY PEOPLE!?!?!? Why is everyone in shape and wearing color coordinated outfits? I can barely get my work clothes to match, let alone my gym shoes and gym shirt! I miss the old farts! What is this place!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
I didn’t realize it at first, but it hit me when I was working out at this place that it’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to a legitimate fitness club. Not that the gym at the country club wasn’t great, but it helps your self esteem when you’re the youngest one there by about 60 years. So now I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and I think I need to go shopping for studly gym attire. But to step it up a notch, I’m insisting to myself that I get four workouts in this week, and at least two of them will be at the big, scary new gym. And I’m excited about it, because hot diggity damn, it felt soooooooo good to work out again – it was just the stress relief and “me time” that I needed. So here’s to “me time” and happiness and restored optimism that will hopefully last longer than a week – cheers and ‘til next time!
Monday, October 17, 2011
CRY BABY
So, I know, second blog in a month that has been skipped. I’m not making a habit of it, I swear! Last week I had a case of the flu/cold/whatever requires a Nyquil at 7 pm. Trust me though, you wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me…not only would you probably have caught my germs through the blog, but it would have been another endless pity party featuring yours truly.
You know how in movies, there’s usually that video montage of moments that plays to some sappy song that captures an ongoing theme? Well picture this. Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” is wailing in the background and the scene starts with Emily weeping in the morning over her tea because she has to go to work, and then it pans to Emily blubbering on her lunch break, and then laying on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and whining (all the while stuffing her face with whatever processed food is within reach) and finally, stepping on the scale with a big over dramatic sob. And there you have it, folks! While this is a minor embellishment for theatrical purposes (I know…the fact that I would exaggerate is shocking), I’ve been a giant succubus of joy. Seriously – I’m like those guys in Harry Potter that can suck any happiness right out of ya!
To put it nicely, work has been sucking my will to live. Not only am I drowning in a sea of paperwork and grades, but I’m teaching the classes that kids don’t want to be in. Or so they tell me on a regular basis. Nobody wants to be in the “I need extra help with reading” class, and try as I might, I can’t seem to make learning about text book features any fun for them. So I meet resistance every day. And my optimism is waning and my self esteem is going down the crapper. And have I let this affect my life and healthy lifestyle? You bet your ass I have!
What’s wrong with me!?!?!? How am I letting 14 year olds have this much impact? And why is it that the positive comments and interactions throughout the day never quite stick with you the way the crappy ones do? But holy hell, I can’t even listen to myself mope anymore. Every I time I start to whine, I just want to bitch slap myself! And the thing of it is, I’m sacrificing the things that make me feel better and stronger. I’ve been mustering up just one workout a week and eating like I’m carrying triplets. Miraculously, the stress has managed to keep me from ballooning up the Good Year Blimp, but the scale still isn’t pretty – I’m down to a just a 21 pound loss. If you want to put a positive spin on it – I’ve lost about 40 pounds this year. Unfortunately…I’ve gained 19 of them back…
So what to do, what to do… I can’t keep whining and coming up with excuses. It’s dumb. And lame. And stupid. So I can either let these ass hats eat me alive, or I can go all Michelle Pheifer Minds on their asses, get a leather jacket and be a badass who doesn’t take crap from no one! ORRRRRR, I could accept the nature of the beast and stop letting it control my life outside of school because hater's gonna hate. ORRRRRR…I could get a badass leather jacket AND stop letting them get to me. Because I’ve got stuff to do and tiny thighs to get, and a half marathon in 6 weeks! So let’s break this down in a non-whiny way.
MY SOLEMN COMMITMENS THIS WEEK
1.I will NOT complain about my job this week to ANYONE. If I’m sick of hearing about it…chances are other people are as well.
2.I will do something positive for myself everyday that doesn’t involve the boob tube. (this is very self helpy, but I don’t care)
3.I will get 3 workouts in this week – starting with Zumba tomorrow in the staff lounge. (This has been organized by the staff…I don’t just randomly bust out in Latin exercises throughout the school building.)
4.I will count EVERY LAST DAMN WEIGHT WATCHER POINT THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH
5.When I am stressed I will Google pictures of baby hippopotamuses because they make me happy.
You know how in movies, there’s usually that video montage of moments that plays to some sappy song that captures an ongoing theme? Well picture this. Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” is wailing in the background and the scene starts with Emily weeping in the morning over her tea because she has to go to work, and then it pans to Emily blubbering on her lunch break, and then laying on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and whining (all the while stuffing her face with whatever processed food is within reach) and finally, stepping on the scale with a big over dramatic sob. And there you have it, folks! While this is a minor embellishment for theatrical purposes (I know…the fact that I would exaggerate is shocking), I’ve been a giant succubus of joy. Seriously – I’m like those guys in Harry Potter that can suck any happiness right out of ya!
To put it nicely, work has been sucking my will to live. Not only am I drowning in a sea of paperwork and grades, but I’m teaching the classes that kids don’t want to be in. Or so they tell me on a regular basis. Nobody wants to be in the “I need extra help with reading” class, and try as I might, I can’t seem to make learning about text book features any fun for them. So I meet resistance every day. And my optimism is waning and my self esteem is going down the crapper. And have I let this affect my life and healthy lifestyle? You bet your ass I have!
What’s wrong with me!?!?!? How am I letting 14 year olds have this much impact? And why is it that the positive comments and interactions throughout the day never quite stick with you the way the crappy ones do? But holy hell, I can’t even listen to myself mope anymore. Every I time I start to whine, I just want to bitch slap myself! And the thing of it is, I’m sacrificing the things that make me feel better and stronger. I’ve been mustering up just one workout a week and eating like I’m carrying triplets. Miraculously, the stress has managed to keep me from ballooning up the Good Year Blimp, but the scale still isn’t pretty – I’m down to a just a 21 pound loss. If you want to put a positive spin on it – I’ve lost about 40 pounds this year. Unfortunately…I’ve gained 19 of them back…
So what to do, what to do… I can’t keep whining and coming up with excuses. It’s dumb. And lame. And stupid. So I can either let these ass hats eat me alive, or I can go all Michelle Pheifer Minds on their asses, get a leather jacket and be a badass who doesn’t take crap from no one! ORRRRRR, I could accept the nature of the beast and stop letting it control my life outside of school because hater's gonna hate. ORRRRRR…I could get a badass leather jacket AND stop letting them get to me. Because I’ve got stuff to do and tiny thighs to get, and a half marathon in 6 weeks! So let’s break this down in a non-whiny way.
MY SOLEMN COMMITMENS THIS WEEK
1.I will NOT complain about my job this week to ANYONE. If I’m sick of hearing about it…chances are other people are as well.
2.I will do something positive for myself everyday that doesn’t involve the boob tube. (this is very self helpy, but I don’t care)
3.I will get 3 workouts in this week – starting with Zumba tomorrow in the staff lounge. (This has been organized by the staff…I don’t just randomly bust out in Latin exercises throughout the school building.)
4.I will count EVERY LAST DAMN WEIGHT WATCHER POINT THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH
5.When I am stressed I will Google pictures of baby hippopotamuses because they make me happy.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Following a brief hiatus
Oh, the shame! For the first time all year I didn’t get my blog out on time. Well, maybe you’ll forgive me if I tell you I was in the hospital. Visiting cancer patients. In the children’s ward. Ooooooorrrrrrrr….. I was super tired and lazy and wanted to go to bed at 8:30. Take your pick, I’ll let you choose. I know, I know, super lame – I could also tell you that I couldn’t face the shame of telling you that a few of those pounds had found their way back to my middle. And butt. And face – I started looking like one of those chipmunks or people who are leaving the dentist after a mouth full of Novocain.
I have no good excuses. It’s not like the pounds were sneaky little bastards either; I knew they were coming. When you stop paying attention to what you’re eating and exercise is only happening once a week – it’s not exactly a shocker when you’re up three pounds. And even though three pounds might not be the end of the world, it feels like 300. When I leave my house, I can almost feel people noticing. I can see them thinking, “she gained three pounds…she gained three pounds…” And when my weight is up, that’s when it seems that all the skinny bitches come out of the woodwork.
Now let’s clarify something. When I refer to skinny bitches, this does not encompass all girls who are skinny. Nope, this is specifically for those chicks who give you the once over and their eyes might as well be saying, “Get some self control and step away from the cookies.” Yeah skinny bitches, you know who you are, and I recommend you eat a sandwich and then blow it out your ass. Or don’t, because that actually sounds like a diarrhea reference. Whoops! Like there was this one working at Papa Murphy’s the other day when I went in to pick up a pizza. And you know how they always ask the same question, “Have you ever baked our pizzas before?” Well I swear the chick had a smirk on her face as she asked and eyed me up and down. Yes. Clearly I have had your pizzas before, so BACK UP OFF IT! Or it could totally be my imagination. Maybe the skinny bitches have always been there and when I’m feelin’ goooooooood I just don’t notice…or care….maybe it’s my problem…
But skinny bitches judging or not, I’ve got to get back to business. I’ve added another boot camp to the weekly regime which has been awesome! Although last week’s impromptu boot camp in the park ended with a shouting match against some obnoxious thirteen year olds…not my finest hour. But at least my vocal chords got a work out as well. So I’ve been trying to get some balance back in my life and stay up until at least 9:00 every night. Next week I’ll have a less whiny and more positive spin, and I promise not to bitch about the bitches; I also promise to stop using the word bitch so much.
OK, that’s all folks! Happy Fall!
I have no good excuses. It’s not like the pounds were sneaky little bastards either; I knew they were coming. When you stop paying attention to what you’re eating and exercise is only happening once a week – it’s not exactly a shocker when you’re up three pounds. And even though three pounds might not be the end of the world, it feels like 300. When I leave my house, I can almost feel people noticing. I can see them thinking, “she gained three pounds…she gained three pounds…” And when my weight is up, that’s when it seems that all the skinny bitches come out of the woodwork.
Now let’s clarify something. When I refer to skinny bitches, this does not encompass all girls who are skinny. Nope, this is specifically for those chicks who give you the once over and their eyes might as well be saying, “Get some self control and step away from the cookies.” Yeah skinny bitches, you know who you are, and I recommend you eat a sandwich and then blow it out your ass. Or don’t, because that actually sounds like a diarrhea reference. Whoops! Like there was this one working at Papa Murphy’s the other day when I went in to pick up a pizza. And you know how they always ask the same question, “Have you ever baked our pizzas before?” Well I swear the chick had a smirk on her face as she asked and eyed me up and down. Yes. Clearly I have had your pizzas before, so BACK UP OFF IT! Or it could totally be my imagination. Maybe the skinny bitches have always been there and when I’m feelin’ goooooooood I just don’t notice…or care….maybe it’s my problem…
But skinny bitches judging or not, I’ve got to get back to business. I’ve added another boot camp to the weekly regime which has been awesome! Although last week’s impromptu boot camp in the park ended with a shouting match against some obnoxious thirteen year olds…not my finest hour. But at least my vocal chords got a work out as well. So I’ve been trying to get some balance back in my life and stay up until at least 9:00 every night. Next week I’ll have a less whiny and more positive spin, and I promise not to bitch about the bitches; I also promise to stop using the word bitch so much.
OK, that’s all folks! Happy Fall!
Monday, September 19, 2011
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sleeping. Snoozing. Nodding off. Catching some Z’s. Getting some shut eye. Whatever you want to call it, that’s my new obsession. And I can’t get enough of it. Literally. I am in bed by 9:30 every night like an old lady, and it’s still not early enough for me. I’m embarrassed to admit this – but last Friday, I conked out at 5 pm. No joke. What was meant to be a little disco nap before dinner turned into a 16 hour all nighter. What is wrong with me!?!?!? WHERE IS MY ENERGY???
Last night promised to be a little better – I crawled into bed at 8:30, psyched to be asleep an extra hour early, but I was soon joined by three gentlemen, and two of them happen to be bed hogs. (I know this has the potential to get awesome, but sadly two of the dudes were of the feline and canine variety). So I woke up this morning with leg and neck cramps from being curled up in a weird ball because Rex has to sleep like a diagonal starfish.
But where am I going with this? I’ll tell you. My awesome work out plans went DOWN THE POOPER! The only thing I could muster last week was boot camp, and that’s because my workout buddies would have dropkicked me in the ovaries had I missed. By the by, my boot instructor had her baby this weekend! And even she showed up to boot camp on Thursday with a kid halfway out her cooter, so I REALLY had no excuse. AND SHE WORKED OUT. It made the rest of us look like pansies, but what are you gonna do? When a mean pregnant lady says run, YOU RUN. And bless her heart, when we grunt every obscenity in the book at her and tell her we’re going to run over her with a pickup truck, she just smiles and tells us to do ten more. I’m hoping her maternal instincts kick in soon and her urge to nurture becomes more prevalent. I’m not holding my breath.
So sadly, I’m at the same weight because I could not get my ass in gear for the life of me. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas or suggestions!?!?! It’s challenging to drag myself from the couch to the dinner table after work. The only plus side to this is that I’m usually too tired to eat!(I didn't think that was humanly possible for me). So I’ve got to find some balance soon, or I’m going to become the most boring lethargic person on the planet. Maybe I’ll start bringing my workout clothes with me and pop over to the gym in the middle of grading papers. Or maybe I’ll multitask and do jumping jacks while teaching. That’s not weird, right?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH – I just looked at the clock, and I only have an hour til bed time and I still have to figure out how to make Beowulf interesting to high school seniors. Maybe we’ll act out some battle scenes all medieval style – ya know, work in some jousting for cardio. I’ll let you know how that goes… So sadly, this is me signing off so I can drag my tired hiney to bed soon. I’m hoping this is temporary. Sweet lord of everything holy, it better be temporary. So this is an extremely tired Emily Corak signing off – wishing you all pleasant dreams and more energy than I have.
Last night promised to be a little better – I crawled into bed at 8:30, psyched to be asleep an extra hour early, but I was soon joined by three gentlemen, and two of them happen to be bed hogs. (I know this has the potential to get awesome, but sadly two of the dudes were of the feline and canine variety). So I woke up this morning with leg and neck cramps from being curled up in a weird ball because Rex has to sleep like a diagonal starfish.
But where am I going with this? I’ll tell you. My awesome work out plans went DOWN THE POOPER! The only thing I could muster last week was boot camp, and that’s because my workout buddies would have dropkicked me in the ovaries had I missed. By the by, my boot instructor had her baby this weekend! And even she showed up to boot camp on Thursday with a kid halfway out her cooter, so I REALLY had no excuse. AND SHE WORKED OUT. It made the rest of us look like pansies, but what are you gonna do? When a mean pregnant lady says run, YOU RUN. And bless her heart, when we grunt every obscenity in the book at her and tell her we’re going to run over her with a pickup truck, she just smiles and tells us to do ten more. I’m hoping her maternal instincts kick in soon and her urge to nurture becomes more prevalent. I’m not holding my breath.
So sadly, I’m at the same weight because I could not get my ass in gear for the life of me. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas or suggestions!?!?! It’s challenging to drag myself from the couch to the dinner table after work. The only plus side to this is that I’m usually too tired to eat!(I didn't think that was humanly possible for me). So I’ve got to find some balance soon, or I’m going to become the most boring lethargic person on the planet. Maybe I’ll start bringing my workout clothes with me and pop over to the gym in the middle of grading papers. Or maybe I’ll multitask and do jumping jacks while teaching. That’s not weird, right?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH – I just looked at the clock, and I only have an hour til bed time and I still have to figure out how to make Beowulf interesting to high school seniors. Maybe we’ll act out some battle scenes all medieval style – ya know, work in some jousting for cardio. I’ll let you know how that goes… So sadly, this is me signing off so I can drag my tired hiney to bed soon. I’m hoping this is temporary. Sweet lord of everything holy, it better be temporary. So this is an extremely tired Emily Corak signing off – wishing you all pleasant dreams and more energy than I have.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Heidi Klum's arms + Kate Moss's legs...
It’s been a super crazy ridiculously long wait, but (insert awesome drum roll here) I’ve finally shed 25 pounds! Bam…that’s almost one fourth of a supermodel! I’ve lost 25% of Heidi Klum! Well, I bet if you took her calves, and Tyra Banks's boobs, plus Gisele Bunchen's hair...that would probably just about equal my weight loss. And we won’t talk about just how long it’s taken me to get to this point, we’re just going to celebrate the fact that it happened! I’m not sure if it was the extra crazy boot camp this week or all the nervous poops I’ve been taking because of the week of school, but alas, the 25 mile milestone has been hit.
My original reward to myself for this was a super awesome hair straightener. Unfortunately, I’m in between paychecks right now, and unless someone’s buying it for me – it’s not happening. I’ll probably have to rock the starvation diet until the end of the month, because I’m on a budget of about $.28 a day for the next three weeks. I’ve told Barrett he needs to get super rich and famous so he can support me in a way that I’d like to become accustomed to, but so far, no dice.
This also means I’m only five pounds from my sky diving goal (also will have to wait until I can afford to feed myself). I think I just peed a little at the thought of it, but I’m so psyched! I’m finally doing things instead of just talking out of my ass about them. So by the end of the year, I will have skydived (skydove? Is that the past tense?), completed my half marathon, and since I’ll be in Vegas for the marathon, I’m going to cash in on my other goal and bet $100 on a single hand of black jack. Don’t ask me why this is one of my goals, but I’ve always wanted to be a big roller, and $100 to me is H.U.G.E. Interesting that I’m talking about gambling away 100 smackeroos when I was just relaying how broke I am. Anyways, besides the point!
My workouts were few and far between this week, but I’ve been running around like a chicken with my nuts chopped off lately getting prepped and trying to keep my head above water. I can already tell the cause of my stress eating this year will be my one sophomore class. Those little hellions make me earn my paycheck! With the rest of my classes, I seem to have lucked out -just the usual eye rolling and nodding off during class (nothing I can’t handle).
Now that I seem to have adjusted just a smidgen, I’m declaring my workout goals for the week for you – with blog readers as my witness, here’s the game plan:
Tuesday: 2 or 3 mile walk + bike ride
Wednesday: Illegally downloaded Zumba DVD
Thursday: Boot Camp!
Friday: Rest, relax, repeat
Saturday: 3 or 4 mile walk
Sunday: Bike ride + yoga
Peace out playas! Have a fantastic week and I’ll check in witchu next week : )
My original reward to myself for this was a super awesome hair straightener. Unfortunately, I’m in between paychecks right now, and unless someone’s buying it for me – it’s not happening. I’ll probably have to rock the starvation diet until the end of the month, because I’m on a budget of about $.28 a day for the next three weeks. I’ve told Barrett he needs to get super rich and famous so he can support me in a way that I’d like to become accustomed to, but so far, no dice.
This also means I’m only five pounds from my sky diving goal (also will have to wait until I can afford to feed myself). I think I just peed a little at the thought of it, but I’m so psyched! I’m finally doing things instead of just talking out of my ass about them. So by the end of the year, I will have skydived (skydove? Is that the past tense?), completed my half marathon, and since I’ll be in Vegas for the marathon, I’m going to cash in on my other goal and bet $100 on a single hand of black jack. Don’t ask me why this is one of my goals, but I’ve always wanted to be a big roller, and $100 to me is H.U.G.E. Interesting that I’m talking about gambling away 100 smackeroos when I was just relaying how broke I am. Anyways, besides the point!
My workouts were few and far between this week, but I’ve been running around like a chicken with my nuts chopped off lately getting prepped and trying to keep my head above water. I can already tell the cause of my stress eating this year will be my one sophomore class. Those little hellions make me earn my paycheck! With the rest of my classes, I seem to have lucked out -just the usual eye rolling and nodding off during class (nothing I can’t handle).
Now that I seem to have adjusted just a smidgen, I’m declaring my workout goals for the week for you – with blog readers as my witness, here’s the game plan:
Tuesday: 2 or 3 mile walk + bike ride
Wednesday: Illegally downloaded Zumba DVD
Thursday: Boot Camp!
Friday: Rest, relax, repeat
Saturday: 3 or 4 mile walk
Sunday: Bike ride + yoga
Peace out playas! Have a fantastic week and I’ll check in witchu next week : )
Monday, September 5, 2011
Just Another Manic Monday...
Heads up – I’m in a bit of a hurry so I’m going to have to make this quick. I know this may come as a shock to anyone that knows me, but tomorrow’s my first day back at school and I’m still not quiiiiiiiiiite finished with all my plans. I mean, my first day is solid, but after 3rd period on the second day, it starts to get a little hazy… So I’m taking a quick blog break, and then it’s back to making mythology accessible for seniors! So I’m just going to recap the highlights of this week for you, ala ESPN, or, something else, because I don’t really watch ESPN, I just notice that Barrett is always watching the highlights of the game HE JUST FINISHED WATCHING.
The Highlight Reel
•Different date, same weight – Not bummed at all, actually a little relieved. I miiiiiight have forsaken my “eat like a reasonable human being” thing for a couple days when a batch of goodbye brownies and cookies made their way into my tummy. Don’t be judging…you would have done the same thing! Or you have tons more willpower than I do, and for that you can suck it.
•I ended up bringing a newbie with me to boot camp. She pushed hard, but it remains to be seen if she’s still talking to me. Although, I think Danielle and I got a compliment, if you can call it that. The words, “You didn’t tell me you bitches could run” came out of her mouth. I’d like to take that as a good sign.
•I AM OFFICIALLY REGISTERED FOR THE ROCK N’ ROLL VEGAS HALF MARATHON! And I’ll be damned if I’m going back on it now, because that shit ain’t cheap! And if you know me, you know I NEVER say ain’t. But some drastic situations call for drastically bad grammar. Proper verbs just wouldn’t have cut it. So on December 4th I’ll be jogging/walking down the strip with my good buddy Kerianne and getting to cross off one of my goals on my life list. One down, eight bajilion to go!
•I saddled up for a 21 mile bike ride this morning – fun, relaxing, although most of the time I’m chanting my own personal traffic mantra – “If you hit me, I will sue.” It keeps me going and I find it inspirational. For Barrett, the first 18 miles were great and then around mile 19 he tells me that the option to have children has just been taken away from us. Something about his balls being up in his stomach or something to that effect. Not having had any danglers, I’ll have to take his word that it’s painful.
•My stingy aspiration for the upcoming school year: save money on a gym and just use the high school’s. They’ve practically got their own YMCA in the PE room and I have a lot of work to do to make sure I can cover 13.1 miles in 4 hours on the night of the marathon. That probably sounds like nothing to a lot of you, but I want to make sure I’m not kicked off the course because I didn’t make the time limit! Then I’d have to go console myself with liquor and prostitutes. Or, um, I was kidding….
•That’s all I’ve got for you; let’s hope next week’s blog is a good one and that I haven’t been driven to the loony bins by high school students. Corak out!
The Highlight Reel
•Different date, same weight – Not bummed at all, actually a little relieved. I miiiiiight have forsaken my “eat like a reasonable human being” thing for a couple days when a batch of goodbye brownies and cookies made their way into my tummy. Don’t be judging…you would have done the same thing! Or you have tons more willpower than I do, and for that you can suck it.
•I ended up bringing a newbie with me to boot camp. She pushed hard, but it remains to be seen if she’s still talking to me. Although, I think Danielle and I got a compliment, if you can call it that. The words, “You didn’t tell me you bitches could run” came out of her mouth. I’d like to take that as a good sign.
•I AM OFFICIALLY REGISTERED FOR THE ROCK N’ ROLL VEGAS HALF MARATHON! And I’ll be damned if I’m going back on it now, because that shit ain’t cheap! And if you know me, you know I NEVER say ain’t. But some drastic situations call for drastically bad grammar. Proper verbs just wouldn’t have cut it. So on December 4th I’ll be jogging/walking down the strip with my good buddy Kerianne and getting to cross off one of my goals on my life list. One down, eight bajilion to go!
•I saddled up for a 21 mile bike ride this morning – fun, relaxing, although most of the time I’m chanting my own personal traffic mantra – “If you hit me, I will sue.” It keeps me going and I find it inspirational. For Barrett, the first 18 miles were great and then around mile 19 he tells me that the option to have children has just been taken away from us. Something about his balls being up in his stomach or something to that effect. Not having had any danglers, I’ll have to take his word that it’s painful.
•My stingy aspiration for the upcoming school year: save money on a gym and just use the high school’s. They’ve practically got their own YMCA in the PE room and I have a lot of work to do to make sure I can cover 13.1 miles in 4 hours on the night of the marathon. That probably sounds like nothing to a lot of you, but I want to make sure I’m not kicked off the course because I didn’t make the time limit! Then I’d have to go console myself with liquor and prostitutes. Or, um, I was kidding….
•That’s all I’ve got for you; let’s hope next week’s blog is a good one and that I haven’t been driven to the loony bins by high school students. Corak out!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Disgruntled Ramblings
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Today I was going to tell you about my tiny yet significant weight loss and my new jogging record, but I’m too blooming angry! Today was the worst day I’ve had in a looooooong while, and all I want to do is punch a baby! I don’t have the energy to be witty and upbeat, so I’m going to vent and YOU HAVE TO LISTEN!!! Or I suppose you could just stop reading and we’ll call it a day, but READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Do you ever have one of those days where you are everybody’s punching bag? Well today was that day. My weekend was spent cleaning, organizing closets, creating lesson plans, and generally hyperventilating about the upcoming school year. So right off the bat, I’m a little cranky and anxious. To top it off, the damn cat has decided that my pillow is the only acceptable place to sleep, so my beauty rest is rudely interrupted every couple hours as I wake up from a neck cramp and have to kick his highness OFF the pillows!
So there’s that. And I don’t know if it’s a full moon, security was loose at the loony bin, or if people are just bat shit crazy, but something was in the air today! Drama, drama, drama – it is like Young and the Restless/Big Brother/Leave me the hell out of it. And don’t get me started on the clients! I got yelled at for more than one occasion – once for saying “gracias.” Did you know this is America? Did you know it’s disloyal and unpatriotic to speak something other than English? I was also yelled at when suggesting that you must first log into your own e-mail before sending a message rather than typing the recipient’s e mail address into Google. Whatever happened to “don’t shoot the messenger?!?!?” I didn’t invent the internet and I did not make the rules! Man, bitches be crazy.
So as I was leaving today I was walking through the store and I happened to see this beautifully framed white board calendar, and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is exactly what I need. This will not only keep me organized, but will be the solution to all my problems – past, present, and future.” For some reason in my crazy lady brain, this calendar was sent from the heavens directly for me at the glorious price of $3.99. Gotta love thrift stores. But alas, when I arrived at the checkout stand, I was not allowed to purchase it because it had not been on display for at least two days and employees have to give the rest of the public a fair stab at everything. So according to company policy, no sale for Emily. So what do I do? If you guessed start sobbing the second I leave the store, then call me later to collect your grand prize! Who knew a dry erase board calendar would have been the straw to break the camel’s back?
So I went home, collected myself and did some yoga to relax and reboot. HA! Only kidding. That would have been the rational thing to do – nope, instead, I went straight for the peanut butter and a spoon, bypassing the bread completely. Old habits die hard, I guess. Bummer, because I’ve been doing so well, too! I’ve been eating moderately and rationally! But this minor setback will NOT define the rest of my week, or the rest of my night for that matter!
I guess since the primary focus of this blog is supposed to be weight loss, I should probably touch on that just a bit. I lost almost a pound this week, and it finally put me over a hump that I’ve been struggling to surmount. I’ve been struggling with the same three or four pounds that kept bouncing back and forth, and I’m finally into new unchartered territory, and the lowest weight I’ve been in a couple years! Still quite a ways to go, but progress is on its way, and I feel really, really good. I also beat my record this week for most time jogged – I went on a walk/jog for 40 minutes, and 25 of it was jogging. For me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment. So peanut butter be damned, because I’m still awesome. I just can’t keep jars of peanut butter in the house anymore. Ever. I’m not to be trusted.
Thank you for listening/reading my therapeutic venting session – I promise not to be such a Debbie Downer next week! And in a personal shout out, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN PANCAKE!!!!!!
Do you ever have one of those days where you are everybody’s punching bag? Well today was that day. My weekend was spent cleaning, organizing closets, creating lesson plans, and generally hyperventilating about the upcoming school year. So right off the bat, I’m a little cranky and anxious. To top it off, the damn cat has decided that my pillow is the only acceptable place to sleep, so my beauty rest is rudely interrupted every couple hours as I wake up from a neck cramp and have to kick his highness OFF the pillows!
So there’s that. And I don’t know if it’s a full moon, security was loose at the loony bin, or if people are just bat shit crazy, but something was in the air today! Drama, drama, drama – it is like Young and the Restless/Big Brother/Leave me the hell out of it. And don’t get me started on the clients! I got yelled at for more than one occasion – once for saying “gracias.” Did you know this is America? Did you know it’s disloyal and unpatriotic to speak something other than English? I was also yelled at when suggesting that you must first log into your own e-mail before sending a message rather than typing the recipient’s e mail address into Google. Whatever happened to “don’t shoot the messenger?!?!?” I didn’t invent the internet and I did not make the rules! Man, bitches be crazy.
So as I was leaving today I was walking through the store and I happened to see this beautifully framed white board calendar, and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is exactly what I need. This will not only keep me organized, but will be the solution to all my problems – past, present, and future.” For some reason in my crazy lady brain, this calendar was sent from the heavens directly for me at the glorious price of $3.99. Gotta love thrift stores. But alas, when I arrived at the checkout stand, I was not allowed to purchase it because it had not been on display for at least two days and employees have to give the rest of the public a fair stab at everything. So according to company policy, no sale for Emily. So what do I do? If you guessed start sobbing the second I leave the store, then call me later to collect your grand prize! Who knew a dry erase board calendar would have been the straw to break the camel’s back?
So I went home, collected myself and did some yoga to relax and reboot. HA! Only kidding. That would have been the rational thing to do – nope, instead, I went straight for the peanut butter and a spoon, bypassing the bread completely. Old habits die hard, I guess. Bummer, because I’ve been doing so well, too! I’ve been eating moderately and rationally! But this minor setback will NOT define the rest of my week, or the rest of my night for that matter!
I guess since the primary focus of this blog is supposed to be weight loss, I should probably touch on that just a bit. I lost almost a pound this week, and it finally put me over a hump that I’ve been struggling to surmount. I’ve been struggling with the same three or four pounds that kept bouncing back and forth, and I’m finally into new unchartered territory, and the lowest weight I’ve been in a couple years! Still quite a ways to go, but progress is on its way, and I feel really, really good. I also beat my record this week for most time jogged – I went on a walk/jog for 40 minutes, and 25 of it was jogging. For me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment. So peanut butter be damned, because I’m still awesome. I just can’t keep jars of peanut butter in the house anymore. Ever. I’m not to be trusted.
Thank you for listening/reading my therapeutic venting session – I promise not to be such a Debbie Downer next week! And in a personal shout out, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN PANCAKE!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
To See or Not to See...
So apparently there IS a correlation between eating healthy and losing weight. Who knew!?!?!? My goal to eat like a rational and moderate human being paid off and I lost 3.1 pounds this week. Yeeeehaw! (I can’t pull off a yeehaw, but that’s how stoked I am). And did I starve? No! Did I have to cut out everything with any flavor? Nope! I still enjoyed Starbucks beverages, Thai food, and my little fudgesicles. I just tried out that whole moderation and self control thing and added a shit ton of vegetables and fruits into my diet. And surprise surprise, I feel really good and have more energy. I wonder if other people have caught on to this phenomenon…note to self – Write a book. Spread this joyous secret to the world. Get filthy rich.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
As for the rest of the week, it’s been just a weeeeeeee bit on the hectic side. Since deciding to take a teaching job, I’m in ultimate panic mode because it’s classes I’ve never taught before, and my house is in disarray, and when I’m stressed out all I want to do is wear sweatpants and eat cheesecake while painting my nails and watching “Drop Dead Diva.” But alas, there is no time for this! Must finish unpacking (finally) and create jaw-dropping lessons so that the incoming freshman won’t know what hit ‘em. So in the midst of that craziness, I squeezed in a couple of yoga sessions, boot camp, swimming and a few miles o’ walking. P.S. my house is still a disaster, but I’ve mastered my badass glare that I will use on any student who tries to text while I’m teaching.
In other news, I’ve been mildly blind for the past couple weeks because I’ve been holding off going to the optometrist until vision insurance kicks in sometime in October. Getting desperate, I found a pair of contacts in the back of a drawer that must have been from high school or something, but beggars can’t be choosers. These contacts are slightly, and I do mean slightly, better than nothing at all, and I’m not even positive that I meet the legal requirements to drive legally with these suckers in. So while this is bad news for the other drivers on the road, it’s great news for me when I have to look at myself naked in the mirror. Everything’s a nice fuzzy blur. So what does this mean for me? No love handles! No cellulite! No imperfections visible to the naked eye! I have found myself posing in my birthday suit until Barrett yells at me to put some clothes on because I’m going to be late for work. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But eventually I had to cave. For one, I was reading like a senior citizen – you know, holding the book up to my face and then extending it at arms length. And secondly, I’m a bad enough driver as it is without adding vision impairment to the list – so I made an optometrist appointment and by golly, I can see! But you know what else that means? It means that the cellulite and love handles and imperfections are back with vengeance! The first time I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, “Who is this chubster and why is she wearing my glasses!??!” It’s true what they say – ignorance is bliss. Reading and driving are all well and good, but I’ll be taking off my optical aides before I do the Heisman in my unmentionables anytime soon.
Monday, August 15, 2011
If you are what you eat, I'm a big peanut butter cookie
Well there have been some developments in the life of Emily Corak this week…for starters, it looks like working at Goodwill was not meant to be. Some (possibly malicious) force out there in the universe decided that I shouldn’t give up on teaching high school just yet and offered me a full time contract. There were lots of pros and cons lists, contemplative walks, and emotional face stuffing this week– but I eventually decided that I would spend this year facing off against those feisty adolescents! The timing is a big fat pile of suck, because I really like my job at Goodwill, but sometimes you’ve gotta do whatcha gotta do. And this is what I’ve gotta do.
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
So needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied making decisions and going into hyperventilating panic mode so I didn’t meet all my exercise goals this week. I did some walking, biking, and swimming…but not to the extent I wanted. But I’ve begun to do some deep thinking, much like Confucius, and it hit me – this is the most active lifestyle I’ve had in a loooooooooong time, but I’m still carrying a spare tire around the middle and walking around with cottage cheese-like thighs. And you know why? Because I eat like I’m knocked up with triplets! Some days I’ll eat fairly healthy, and the next I’ll pack away baked goods like they are going out of style, and then I’m shocked when Monday morning rolls around and I haven’t lost any weight!
It’s like the other day. Warning: I am this disgusting, and you will probably lose a little respect for me after reading this. Sometime last week, I had a midnight snack of graham crackers that I was munching on while walking up the stairs. The next day as I’m walking around the house after work, I see a piece of graham cracker that I had carelessly dropped in my half asleep state. Logically, I know that the piece of graham cracker is disgusting and I shouldn’t eat it, but I DO! And yet I’m surprised when it’s stale and tastes like cat hair. What’s my problem!?!?!? Why am I not putting two and two together? And why am I eating graham crackers that have been sitting on the ground and have been licked by a cat??? In my defense, I didn’t know that the cat had been licking at it until I was later telling Barrett this story. I don’t think he loves me anymore. But it goes back to the eating/weight loss issue – why am I surprised that I’m not losing weight when I can eat SIX peanut butter cookies in one sitting! (Damn you Jamie Livingston and your delightful baked goods!)
So I have a goal – and it’s been inspired by a link I saw on a friend’s Facebook page. I’ll spare you the details, but the premise is that it is possible to commit to anything for 30 days. I’ve tried this challenge before – and my goal was not to talk shit about anyone I knew for an entire month. Like Thumper says, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But I’m too much of a gossip whore and I was setting up myself for failure. To be fair, I did make it about three weeks and I did feel much more positive. But life isn’t quite as much fun when I’m not judging and making snarky comments…bwahahahahahaha. But this time around, I’m really and truly setting my mind to this goal. For 30 days, I’m going to be a mindful and aware of what I’m eating, and only eat in a way that I won’t wake up hating myself the next day. Does this mean I won’t have any treats? Hell to the no! But I don’t feel bad when I indulge in a cookie sometimes. I DO feel bad when I indulge in five of them. So for the next thirty days, I’m going to ask myself before I eat ANYTHING… will this make you feel good about yourself, or will be full of self loathing and shame tomorrow? Day 1…so far so good. I asked myself halfway through dinner – do you feel content right now or are you still hungry? And I was perfectly content, so I ate no more! BAM! Look at me now! Just 29 more days to go! (And hopefully it will become habitual by this point.) And I’m serious about this goal. I’m as serious as a heart attack that I won’t be having because I’m eating nutritiously and deliciously!!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Little Bit O' Everything
GOOD NEWS! I lost a little over three pounds this week! BAD NEWS – I still haven’t undone all the damage I did during family vacation week. See? What did I tell you? I wasn’t stuffing myself amateur style; this was FULL ON professional. Oy! That’s a wee bit on the embarrassing side…
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
What else to tell you? I went camping for the first time in ages and finally had a legit s’more! It’s been years since I had a properly roasted mallow nestled next to some slightly melted chocolate and sandwiched in between two crisp, honey-coated graham crackers. That first s’more and I were having the greatest love story of all time – until I cheated on it with a second one. Don’t worry – I fully burned off the calories by napping and losing at rummy.
I did get a couple of good workouts in this week – Amber kicked up the satanic boot camp up a notch and added some ankle weights to our sprints and plyometrics. And we did the fart lickers. Again. But something wasn’t quite right this time. About half way through the second fart licker, my shins and knee started screaming obscenities at me. And not in the normal, this sucks and I’m tired kind of way. My right knee was saying, “Uh uh girlie. You keep running on me and I will fuck you up.” It’s been bugging me for a while, but nothing like this. And then it hit me…
About a year ago, I was hiking on a mountain in China. (And by hiking, I mean climbing stairs, because the Chinese don’t do the whole natural undisturbed scenic thing). Anyways, on the way back down – I biffed it hard core. We’re talking full on face plant down some rocky stairs. Well that day I banged up my knee pretty damn badly, and I have a crater in my shin that’s probably there for life. So I just now started putting two and two together – I might have done some actual damage and the intense workouts are causing a flare up. But injury or not, I’m going to ice up and keep on keepin’ on.
In addition, you might as well start calling me Lancella Armstrong (that sounded less stupid in my head in the shower this morning) because I just went on a super crazy long bike ride! Well, for good ol' Lancey it would have been a warm up, but twenty miles for me was a D-O-O-Z-Y! There were even a couple little hills I tackled – so slowly I was pretty much going backwards, but I made them nonetheless. I now have crazy visions of bike shorts and century rides floating in my head. I’ll do everyone a favor and lose a little more weight before I shackle myself into some spandex pants. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.
My goal for this week is in numbers –
90 minutes strength training
60 minutes yoga
20 miles biking
5 miles walking/jogging
1 mile swimming
And a partridge in a pear tree
Monday, August 1, 2011
Fart Lickers
Ahhhhh, it’s Monday and it’s the first day of August. New beginnings! Or…still recovering from last week’s madwoman eating rampage. But still, to new beginnings! I gotta tell you, after taking a week off from eating like a reasonable human being, it was much harder to get back on track than I imagined. But I HAVE TO. Otherwise the only slutty Halloween costume I’ll be able to wear is a whorish beluga whale or a scantily clad polar bear. LAME!
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.
So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!
And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!
P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Internal Workings of a Ms. Emily Corak on a Very OFF Week
So let me preface this week’s blog by telling you I’m just a wee bit crazy on a normal basis – not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy, but a healthy dose of it. In the past month, I’ve accidentally lit not one, but two dishtowels on fire. And I watch the Bachelorette every week. Twice. But this week I was a little more off my rocker than normal. So to provide some wisdom and insight into the complex workings of my crazy lady mind, I’ve summarized my inner monologues from the week – please note, these aren’t exaggerations – this really is how I think. Be warned.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…
Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.
Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!
Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.
Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.
Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…
Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.
Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Musings of a Dumb Dieter
So it’s that time of the week again; the update, the confessional, the moment of truth. Well, I wasn’t expecting much because I had several nights out this week, but I guess the two boot camp sessions paid off because I’m down another pound. Truth be told, I was predicting a gain – I mean, that extra cheesy cheese bread didn’t eat itself. But alas, I exceeded my expectations. Maybe there is something to the theory that if you set your hopes down low you’re bound to exceed them. I mean if you aim at the ground, you’re bound to hit something, right? That’s probably why I’m dating Barrett – bwahahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Soooooo, this week was big for me because I am finally back to work and can stop wasting my days watching Lifetime TV on demand! And to top it off, I love my new job and the people I work with. Plus I’m not at home to raid the fridge all day every day. I’m fairly sure other employees would be vexed if I started rummaging through their sack lunches whenever I got bored or hungry. And even though it’s been an adjustment transforming into a productive member of society and changing out of pajamas before 11 am, I still managed to get four workouts in. Super stud in the house!
Oh! And I also found my bike! I was a wee bit naïve in the process – I thought it would be a wham, bam, thank you ma’am type deal. You know – go pick a bike, ride it around the parking lot, and call it a day. But some lovely people with more knowledge than I explained that it doesn’t quite work like that, and if you’re going to invest some moola, you better know a thing or two. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t even know how shifters worked! But now I’ve been schooled and I found my bike, and as soon as the little person size is shipped to the store – I am gone like the wind!
So since I don’t have a ton of news or a catchy gimmick for the week, I have few miscellaneous thoughts that I thought I would share with you all – maybe you’ve thought them, maybe you haven’t, but here they are for you to mull over ~
•Why is it that whenever I buy an impulse purchase of a workout magazine, I always feel compelled to grab a candy bar to go with it?
•Is it just me, or do Yoplait yogurt commercials make you want to throw your shoe at the TV? I don’t care if you jazz up yogurt with a key lime pie flavor – IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Don’t you dare compare yogurt to a cupcake!
•In any weight loss success story (which I read all the time for shits and giggles), when someone says the phrase “the pounds just melted off,” I’m tempted to hunt them down and light them on fire.
•Weight Watchers has a saying that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Weight Watchers, not only can you kiss my ass, but clearly you’ve never tasted Henry’s gorgonzola fries. Some things are almost worth being fat for.
•When I workout – I ALWAYS look in the mirror afterwards to see if I look thinner than before the workout. It never works.
•If you could crawl around my head during a workout, you’d most likely think I was a very angry lesbian. I’m either thinking venomous thoughts about anyone and anything because anger fuels my workout, or I’m picturing Jennifer Aniston in her underwear because it gives me motivation. Anyone else? Just me? OK. I’ll have more miscellaneous musings for you next time!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Rules According to Emily
So let me preface this blog by saying it’s been a looooooong day. For starters, I had orientation today at 7:30 in the morning. That is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Reminder: I’ve been unemployed for the last 6 weeks, and any morning I’ve woken up before ten is an A + productive day in my book. So today I traveled to corporate Goodwill headquarters I got to hear about blood borne pathogens, sexual harassment, and the company mission statement for SIX HOURS. Blaaaaggghhhhhurrrghhh. However, I’m psyched to have a job and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning besides watching Lifetime on DVR! But anyways, after orientation I went to boot camp, and I can barely muster the energy to lift my fingers and type right now. I am drained! But in other news, I’m down a couple of pounds this week! (Technicality: yesterday the scale said I lost two pounds, but today it said I only lost one. I’m chalking it up to a moody scale and maybe we’ll call it an average of 1.5) Well, it’s a loss, so that’s something!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
This week I completed my third week of the Couch to 5K running program, and dare I say that running is getting easier, and I maybe, just might even like it a little bit? Of course, this next week in the program takes a big jump and it’s a lot more running and a lot less walking, so it’s a wait and see kind of game. I also got out of the gym this week and went hiking like a badass. It was nice to get out of the usual environment, because gyms can get on my NERVES after a while. Or more specifically, the people at the gym. So I’m going off on a tangent this week and discussing my gym etiquette rules – if you are a breaker of these rules, consider us cut off for LIFE!
1.Gym sales people – don’t be pushy assholes and make me feel bad about myself. When I am exploring your gym, if you tell me “whatever you’re doing isn’t working,” I’m probably not going to come back. No, I don’t know exactly how many grams of protein I eat each day, sue me! There goes your commission, buddy.
2.Skinny girl in the sports bra, this one’s for you. We get it. You’re in great shape. You have no cellulite. Your abs could destroy mankind. But for the love of God, put on some fucking clothes. Throw on a shirt and some longer shorts; I’m tired of looking at your labia when you’re on the Stairmaster in front of me. Please and thank you.
3.To the man grunting throughout his entire workout – I avert my eyes and ignore the fact that you’re making jungle noises. So when I need to lip sync the words to Motown Philly to get me through my run, I’d appreciate it if you would do the same. Don’t be judgin’!
4.I’ve never peed in a urinal, but I’ve heard there’s a rule that dudes never use a urinal right next to someone unless absolutely necessary. Same goes for treadmills. There are a million empty treadmills…why choose the one directly next to mine? Especially when you run faster than I do – are you just trying to make me feel bad? Leave some space, sister!
5.Finally, when you’re lifting weights, please don’t spend 8 years staring at yourself in front of the mirror. I know this is weird coming from me, because I’ll check my reflection in anything shiny. But come on. Just pretend to be subtle, and save your self-lovin’ for your mirror at home.
So those are the rules according to Emily! They may seem harsh, but that’s how I roll! So, how am I going to manage a new job and be a workout stud? Well, I’m going to keep on tracking everything I eat for starters. It did help this week, and I am paying $17 a month for my Weight Watchers subscription, so I might as well be using it. Second, I’m going to attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have energy, and I’m going to keep up with my running routine. PLUS, I have a second boot camp this week – am I on fire, or am I on FIRE??? So here’s to finding balance between work and working out and finding time to relax and enjoy summer!
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