The Internal Workings of a Ms. Emily Corak on a Very OFF Week

So let me preface this week’s blog by telling you I’m just a wee bit crazy on a normal basis – not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy, but a healthy dose of it. In the past month, I’ve accidentally lit not one, but two dishtowels on fire. And I watch the Bachelorette every week. Twice. But this week I was a little more off my rocker than normal. So to provide some wisdom and insight into the complex workings of my crazy lady mind, I’ve summarized my inner monologues from the week – please note, these aren’t exaggerations – this really is how I think. Be warned.

Monday – Yes, I am a badass. One pound down, and that much closer to my 25 pound goal. If I squint my eyes and cock my head, it’s like my love handles don’t even exist anymore. I predict about two more weeks before agents are lining up to book me for cover shoots. I’d be good at cover shoots…I have charisma. Maybe this week I’ll be super extra disciplined. Yes, I’m going to be Monk like and only use food to fuel my body; I will not have cravings because Monks don’t get cravings. My body is a temple…

Tuesday – I hate Weight Watchers. I don’t want my string cheese and mango. I want to eat peanut butter straight from the jar. But first I’m going to pour powdered sugar in it and sit on the couch while eating my new concoction and watching On Demand. I dare anyone to try and stop me.

Wednesday – Whoops, minor setback yesterday. We all have those days, right? No biggie, back on the horse!

Thursday – Fuck off, Weight Watchers. I’ll have two, make it three, Krispy Kremes.

Friday – Well, family’s coming into town and then I’m headed to the family reunion, so really…is there a point to starting healthy this second? Maybe Monday will be my fresh start. So at this reunion, I’ll enjoy some of the good foods, but only in moderation.

Saturday – White chocolate macadamia nut cookies for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do! But it will all balance out because I have my new bike and I’m going to be a cycling fool! In fact, I think I’ll go on a ride right now…
Saturday (18 minutes later) – I’m going to need one of those donut pillows to sit on and a vagina transplant, STAT. Who the fuck invented bicycle seats!?!??!!? And I haven’t eaten anything in about 45 minutes…I’m sensing a problem here…

Sunday – Why have one brownie when I can have seven? Thank Christ there’s no scale here.

Monday – UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH…..my pants are soooo tight and I look like and oompa loompa! This isn’t Monk like - I’ve just developed a Buddha belly! I’ve eaten myself into shameful blotation and if I don’t stop eating this second I’m going to literally burst with disgust. MUST. STOP. EATING.