Fart Lickers

Ahhhhh, it’s Monday and it’s the first day of August. New beginnings! Or…still recovering from last week’s madwoman eating rampage. But still, to new beginnings! I gotta tell you, after taking a week off from eating like a reasonable human being, it was much harder to get back on track than I imagined. But I HAVE TO. Otherwise the only slutty Halloween costume I’ll be able to wear is a whorish beluga whale or a scantily clad polar bear. LAME!

So what was new this week? Well, for starts, the sun made an appearance for more than 27 minutes at a time. It was actually too hot for me – once the temperature gets above 70 degrees, it’s like living in sub-Saharan Africa. I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT! But naturally, Amber, the super pregnant boot camp instructor chose this week to introduce the fart lickers. Before I tell you what fart lickers are, let me preface by telling you that I think Amber’s fetus is making her evil. There is some sort of malevolent force at work here, let me tell ya. Never have I been so close to vomiting, crying, and shitting my pants in all my years as an adult.

So here’s how fart lickers work: there’s a big loop around the park that’s about 1/3 of a mile – the lovely Danielle and myself have to make our way around this loop six times. Sounds easy so far, right? WELL YOU’RE WRONG. We take turns being the pacer and the sprinter. First lap I’m the pacer – so I keep a slow jog/brisk walking pace around the loop. Danielle meanwhile walks 10 seconds in the opposite direction, turns around and sprints until she reaches me. Meanwhile, I’m keepin’ the pace, and the second she reaches me, she has to turn around and walk another ten seconds and then sprint back in my direction and so on and so forth. Seeing the pattern of EVIL? Well after each lap, we switch roles – so after I paced the first lap, then I had to turn around and be the sprinter. I’ll be 100% honest, when Danielle was close to tears her first lap, I thought she was being a drama queen. And then I did it. And I wanted to throw up and hit a pregnant lady all at the same time. OK I didn’t REALLY want to hit a pregnant lady – maybe just a small puppy. It was torture. I’d take the slow severing of my limbs with a butter knife over fart lickers any day o’ the week!

And was it over then? Hell to the no. Next there were pushups and crunches and squats and jumping jacks and any other instruments of torture Amber decided to throw our way for fun. I have never, honest to God, worked out so hard in my life!!! And to top it off, running, um…how do I put this delicately? Running jars everything loose and gives me the trots! Am I alone with this? Really? No one else has to take a break mid-run to drop the kids off at the pool? Good, because I was just kidding. And on that note…See ya all around next week! Wish me luck on getting back on track!

P.S. No pregnant women or puppies were harmed in the making of this blog