Did You Know Gullible is Written on the Ceiling?

Happy Birthday, America! And in honor of your independence day, I’ve gormandized on far more fattening foods than entirely necessary. But since we only celebrate our glorious independence from the Brits once a year*, I feel perfectly justified in doing so. You’ve gotta give yourself days off sometimes. Everything in moderation, including moderation. I love that saying! Genius!

So now, let me regale you with the highlights from this week. Step back and be prepared to be amazed, because if you thought my .6 loss last week was amazing, wait until you hear about my .2 pound loss this week! What’s that you say? You didn’t think it was possible to lose eight tenths of a pound in two weeks? Well, bust out the record books because I am living proof! I think I’ve figured out the problem; I have been exercising regularly and when I’m fixing meals for myself, I stick to mostly nutritious and delicious feel good foods. But special occasions and gatherings with friends…I tend to think of these as freebies. And it’s these free-for-all-food-fests that are keeping the pounds from rapidly shedding. I’ve also been playing fast and loose with recording my weight watcher points and relying a whole bunch on the “estimation game.” I don’t think that’s what the program was intended for. So, goal for this week: record EVERYTHING I put into my mouth (don’t be dirty) and not to go over my points budget. I’ll let you know next week how that’s workin’ out for me.

In other news, I had fitness testing in boot camp to check and see how we’ve progressed in the last couple months. Either I wasn’t trying very hard the first class, or I’ve gotten loads stronger in the past 6 weeks. I nearly doubled the amount of squats I can do in a minute, added about 15 tricep dips, I can hold the plank without ANY modifications, AND I can do these exercises with less rest in between. So weight loss or not, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel great. I’m starting to miss exercising if I skip it for a couple days. Lord almighty, I honestly never thought I’d say that. I’ve also been adding more yoga into my routine because it makes me feel strong and zen and then I can look down my nose at people for not being as centered and serene as I am. And guess who’s been my most recent yoga buddy? A certain Mr. Barrett Brenner has been eager to limber up, and so a couple of nights a week we have been turning our living room into a makeshift yoga studio! Word to the wise, he gets the toots during downward dog and then giggles about it like a small girl. Note to self: keep windows open and stay upwind of him.

Finally, I had an epiphany this week after watching infomercials. Now, before I tell you about this, I should probably tell you I’m extremely gullible and susceptible to persuasion. I’m the mass media’s wet dream. I’ll fall for anything. Example: In high school, as in way too old to fall for something like this, there were commercials on TV advertising the lottery. The commercial was set up like a fake newscast announcing what lottery winners were doing with their newfound fortunes, and one particular commercial was claiming that a lottery winner was going to buy the Space Needle and relocate it from Seattle to the other side of the state. I didn’t realize this was a commercial. I was up in arms and writing a letter to whomever it may concern about the sanctity of Seattle’s landmark and how taking the Space Needle out of Seattle would be like moving the Eifel Tower out of Paris. True story. Some might call it stupid, I prefer to call it trusting. Yes, I am that naive.

So the other night, after the Bachelorette (I know it’s absolute shite but I love it) I start watching infomercials and one comes on advertising Tracy Anderson’s new exercise DVDs called Metamorphosis. After ten minutes of watching, I am convinced that this is what I need to change my life. This will solve every problem I’ve ever had. If I do these exercises for the next 90 days, then not only will I be slim and sculpted, but I will stop losing my car keys and be able to eat dinner without spilling on myself. And Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed them, so right there you know you can’t go wrong. These videos are the answer to my prayers. So, I’m about to bust out my VISA and call the number on the screen to make my three monthly payments of $39.99, when Barrett tells me to stop being daft and that he could probably download this shit for free. Thank heavens for a live-in boyfriend with pirating skills and very few scruples.

So, he downloads it and I am dying with anticipation because in 90 days I’m going to be unrecognizable! The first thing that loads is her eating plan: I scan over it, and I’m thinking to myself, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is rabbit food. In the first week there isn’t a single thing you can chew! It’s all puree and liquids. I’m pretty sure that the starving kids on the commercials that claim “for 42 cents a day, you can feed this child” are eating more than this. OK, so maybe her eating plan isn’t for me, but I can commit to an hour long workout everyday for the next three months. 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of toning – you got it, dude. So I turn on the cardio video and am prepared to be transformed. But there is no segway. No intro. No nothing. This bitch is just jumping in place and adding some crazy footwork and I can’t follow it to save my life. After about 5 minutes of mind numbing confusion, I switch to the toning workouts. The moves in this one are easier to follow, but BORING. I CAN ONLY DO LEG LIFTS FOR SO LONG BEFORE I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Variety would be nice! And how about a little instruction other than the voice over saying “watch me carefully?” Don’t you think that would be just a TEENSY bit helpful???? And I'm supposed to do this for 3 months straight? So reluctantly, after about 15 minutes of this stupid, boring torture, I had to admit that this would not be the life changing experience I thought it would be. Tracy Anderson can continue changing Gwyneth Paltrow’s life, but alas, I HATE HER. I guess I’m going to have to tune into some more infomercials to find my life altering experience. Ha ha. Or I could just keep at it the way I am and stop looking for miracles in the form of overpriced DVDs. So that's my story of the week, and I've rambled on long enough so I'm going to wind it on down now. Hope you had a fantastic 4th of July and I hope the rest of the week is just as splendid!

*Martin and Fee, as you are my favorite English people, I’ll refrain from making any further jokes aimed at your people. But really, the whole pants versus trousers thing? Maybe you guys could work on that…