The What and Why of my Bizarre Quest

It’s October 25th- almost a week to go until Halloween. You know what that means; it's time to spend money that I don’t have on a costume so I can attend some parties and avoid getting crap for being a party pooper. Don’t get me wrong, I like Halloween. I’m a fan of carving pumpkins and handing out candy to kids in adorably age appropriate costumes, but personally, I hate wearing them. I tried wearing jeans and a sweatshirt one year and just going as a college student, but I didn’t hear the end of it for the rest of the night. So my game plan this time is to hit up the Halloween costume shop, be in and out in 15 minutes, and spend less than $20. Ha! Fat chance as it turns out.

Once I enter the costume shop and get past the creepy goblins with eyeballs popping out, I look around, and I’m instantly reminded why I hate shopping for Halloween costumes. Outside of the small section for kids’ costumes, the aisles are lined with costumes that are designed for skanks and whores. As far as the eye can see, there are costumes for slutty pirates, slutty fairies, slutty butterflies, slutty geishas, slutty bananas, and slutty teenage mutant ninja turtles. I didn’t even think bananas could be slutty, but the Halloween industry has proven me wrong. Now I want to clear one thing up before I go any further. I am not a prude and I am not offended in the slightest by revealing Halloween costumes. I understand perfectly that no judgment should be passed on Halloween; this is the one night of the year everyone gets a free pass to dress like a hooker. Hell, if you want to dress like a skanky banana every day of the year, I say go get your fruit salad on and more power to you. My only beef with slutty Halloween costumes is that I could probably not fit one past my knees before it burst at the seams. Nothing makes you feel chunky like being in a Halloween shop and realizing the only costume that fits you is the oversized Oscar the Grouch in his trash can. Side note: I looked adorable. I’m not blaming this self loathing on the Halloween shop; I’m taking full responsibility for my squashy stomach and the junk in my trunk. (Well, I partially blame Outback Steakhouse and their irresistible prime rib. Oh Outback, I wish I could quit you). The fact of the matter is, it’s no one’s fault but my own, but it took walking into that costume shop to make me say, “Enough is enough!” I decided that I could either wear my Oscar the Grouch costume and stare enviously at the girls dressed in slutty, inappropriate costumes, OR, I could get my ass in gear and actually be one of the skanky girls! And thus the idea for this blog was born.

My original intention was to begin writing this blog the day after Halloween, but as it turns out, trying to start a new diet and exercise regime with the holidays looming probably wasn’t my best idea. I got back to the gym a bit, but quickly undid any good work with my aunt’s homemade rocky road and my mom’s super-amazing-triple- chocolate-chip-cookies. I admire people that can maintain willpower during the Christmas season – you are far stronger than I. So as it is New Years and the season of resolutions, and all the chocolate has been cleared out of the house (largely because I ate it all), I am excited to start my quest anew. Instead of being all talk and no action, I set out some reasonable parameters and goals to assist me in my journey. I have signed up for Weight Watchers online and am now recording what I eat and keeping track of my points, and have stocked the fridge and cupboards with nutritious snacks and meals. My goal is also to hit the gym four times a week. I shouldn’t have a ton of excuses because it’s right down the street (although believe me, I’ve spent many an hour creating creative excuses). And I’m not coming from a completely inactive background; I was a swimmer in high school, and an avid drunk sprinter in college. A few months ago when I lived in China, I was working out diligently 5 or 6 times a week with a group of foreign teachers. In fact, they’d probably be shocked and appalled if they knew how quickly I let my exercise habit slide when I got back to the good ol’ USA.

Now, you may have noticed that there’s a separate but equally important part in the title of my blog, and that’s the half marathon part. I realized that just wanting to fit into something slinky might be just a tad bit vain, and I should probably also be focused on another, less materialistic goal. Not that bearing everything but my nipples to the world isn’t a great goal, but you know, I could stand to add another substantial achievement as well. So as it turns out, I have a list of 30 things I want to do before I’m 30. I made the list a few years ago, and a scant few things have been crossed off, and I’m coming scarily close to reaching my deadline. Well, I have 3 years left, but that’s not much time to travel around the world, get another degree, and kiss Gerard Butler on the mouth. One of the items on my list is to complete a half marathon, even if it’s just walking. BAM! Enter goal #2 for the year, and the perfect complimenting goal for my Halloween conquest. As it turns out, there is a half marathon in Vegas every December on the strip, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be there wearing something slutty. Well, not slutty, but practical and comfortable. So now I have my sights set on completing 13 miles while cruising by the Bellagio and the Venetian, and I have almost a year to get there. That’s where you come in.

Anyone who knows me knows that I make to do lists almost daily and spend a good 45 minutes color coding them by priority and difficulty level. And anyone who knows me well knows that after the first item or two, I usually get side tracked or distracted by something shiny, and I completely abandon my game plan for the day. But I want things to be different this time. This is a goal that I’m eager to work toward, and I’m going to be pretty darn peeved with myself if I neglect it and have to give up on my catchy gimmick. So, in order to stay true to my goal and also exercise my writing muscles, I’m going to be writing weekly blog entries about my quest. Now, don’t think for a second this will just be a record of what I’ve eaten and my activity level for the week with some motivational commentary. Barfity barf barf. I personally have read way too many of those in Shape Magazine (usually with a Butterfinger in hand while I’m reading it), and they do nothing but make me want to force feed someone lard. So this blog will be something a little different, and you can probably expect some of my musings and rants as well. I apologize in advance for getting side tracked. And if you’ve ever read my blog on China or met me in person, you know I swear like a mother fucker. I apologize for that as well. I hope you enjoy, and even if you don’t and you never read this blog again, I hope to see you out on Halloween. I’ll be the one wearing next to nothing. Cheers and happy New Year!