Operation Shrinking Ass

Operation Shrink My Ass is successfully underway! Last week I lost three pounds and this week I lost another 1.7 for a grand total of 4.7 pounds! Just missed the mark on five pounds, (I promised myself a pedicure when I lost five pounds) but considering the week I had, I’m just stoked that I didn’t balloon up. A week of birthday parties, football games, and PMS related chocolate cravings made for some serious challenges. And anyone who thinks that PMS cravings are nothing but mind over matter has clearly never been a woman and should feel free to shove it. But despite my setbacks, with a little moderation and exercising this week, I managed not to add anymore cushion for the pushin’.

This week I tried a few new exercises this week to keep things spicy; some were a hit and some, ummmm, not so much. I incorporated some jogging into my walks, and I didn’t immediately want to cut off my own feet. I’ll take that as a good sign. I also thought I’d try something called Cardioke, which is exactly like it sounds: a combination of cardio and karaoke. I looooooove to sing. No one likes to listen, but I’ll sing anytime, anywhere! Why not when I’m working out? Well, I now have mad respect for performers who can dance their asses off and sing at the same time. My rendition sounded a little like this: Don’tcha *huff* wish your *puff* girlfriend was *pant* hot like *huff* me *gasp and keel over to die.* I’m telling you, singing while working out is INTENSE. And kind of fun. But mostly intense.

I was actually kind of enjoying the workout until it got to the cool down. The creator of Cardioke is Billy Blanks Jr., the son of the Taebo Empire. So Taebo Jr. and his wife wrote a song that is sung during the cool down, and for real, it’s called “You are Enough.” It’s supposed to be motivational and spread the message of self acceptance, but all I can think to myself is, “No shit Billy. Of course I’m enough. I’m actually more than enough, hence the reason I’m doing your fucking Cardioke video in the first place.”I swear a lot when I’m sweaty. I had to turn it off and finish stretching on my own, otherwise I might have vomited in my mouth. Would I do Cardioke again? Yes. Would I turn it off before the inspirational-vomit-inducing cool down? Most definitely.

The other exercise video I tried that was a “never-again-you-couldn’t-pay-me-to-do-this-shit” was the 8 Moves workout. From the title I gathered that there would be eight key moves, but I thought there would be at least some sort of variation for each move. Nope! It was eight moves on repeat for 40 minutes! And half of these moves are animal moves, as in, walk like a bear, crab walk, slither like an alligator, and waddle like a duck. You are supposed to do these animal imitations for minute long increments, but my living room is about eleven square inches, so I’m just crab walking in teeny tiny circles around the ottoman. So not only do I look and feel like a jackass, but I’m also bored out of my skull. Sweaty and bored, but bored nonetheless. I ended up stopping it half way through and went for a jog instead. Lesson learned.

So after singing and bear walking my way through the week, I’m down almost five pounds and feeling pretty good. The end of this week is going to bring forth another challenge I haven’t faced yet: going on vacation. My awesome boyfriend is taking me to San Diego for a long weekend, and I know myself all too well. All I will want to do is plop my ass down on the beach with a good book and stuff my face full of daiquiris all weekend. So I’m going to have to find some sort of compromise and maybe sneak a workout or two in between beach reading and daiquiris. Should be an interesting week…stay tuned!