UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is about all the enthusiasm I can muster at the moment. What. A. Week. It was both physically and mentally draining, and I am P-O-O-P-E-D! For starters, it was my first full week teaching, and that took some getting used to. And let me just start out by saying that if children are our future, we’re doomed with a big, fat capital D. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a super nice group of kids. HOWEVER, out of three classes, 1 student could tell me the capital of Canada whereas about ¾ of them could tell me the entire cast of Jersey Shore. And that’s the regular English kids, not even the kids who are taking “Sports Literature” for their English class. I gave the sports kids a 10 page short story about football, and I thought they were going to light me on fire. Apparently these kids don’t do reading. Or much writing for that matter. But, they tell me they are excellent movie watchers. (Insert audible sigh and head slap here).
So after my week of attempting to educated kids who clearly don’t want to be educated, we finished the big move. We went from a small, stanky apartment (although I miiiiiiiight have been our fault that it was stanky) to this e-freaking-normous townhouse. I don’t know how far my head was up my ass when I thought that this was a good idea. It’s bigger than I know what to do with. We don’t have enough stuff- it feels big and creepy. On the plus side though, it’s perfect if we ever get drunk and decide to play hide and seek. Don’t tell Barrett, but I’ve called dibs on the crawl space for my hiding spot. So this place has two flights of stairs – will fit nicely into my exercise regime, and it also makes me think twice before I sneak out of bed to go get a midnight snack. Are the crackers worth the extra trip down the stairs? Hmmmmmm….. So the stairs are great for cardio, but big fat pains in the bum for moving. My legs and back are not in what you’d call peak shape right now. I have a hunchback and a limp and a permanent scowl to go with it. I am sore and cranky, and it took me two days to find the box where my clean underwear was packed. Epic nasty, right?
This week is going to be about balance. Last week, with the exception of the move, I snuck one good workout in. Not acceptable! I’ve been eating like a champ at school (When I pack my lunch I am all about the nutritious and delicious) but when I get home, I’m too tired to fix anything so I’ve been eating whatever’s convenient. And lemme tell ya…convenience and healthy don’t always go hand in hand. So like a crazy scale addict, I’ve weighed myself throughout the week, and the numbers keep going up/down/up/down, kind of like my hormones when I’m PMSing! So….now that I’ve gotten the teaching thing under my belt a bit, time to get back to CONSISTENCY! I will not let stress and high school students keep me from having the thighs of a 12 year old gymnast! Next week I will have a loss to report to you. That is my solemn oath. Oh, and P.S. I tried on a pair of pants I couldn’t wear 6 months ago. Not only did they zip, but my ass looked bootylicious. Booyah!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Let the Insanity Ensue!
I lost a pound this week, but ultimately, I had bigger fish to fry. Or in the spirit of healthy eating, I had bigger broccoli to chop. I worked out pretty hard this week, but unfortunately stress eating reared its ugly head. It was spring break (although you’d never know it from the snow and hail) this week, which should have meant easy living. But instead, this week was a week of prep, planning, house hunting, packing, and hyperventilating. I started my long term high school gig today, so I’ve been making lists and plans this entire last week. I’m trying to work out a way to teach Huck Finn without sparking a huge racial controversy, and attempting make plans for a Sports Literature class for kids who have spent the entire school year watching ESPN for their senior “English” credit. On top of the subject matter, I’ve been panicking about getting back into the classroom since I’ve been out of the game for a while. The last students I taught on a regular basis were my Chinese students, and I could have stood up there making armpit farts and they would have been intrigued.
So I’m a wee bit stressed, a little gun shy, and this week was a lot of decision making about where to live. Our apartment is a bit on the small side, we’re running out of space, and I’m pretty sure that every time I exercise at home, the woman below us starts plotting how to murder me without leaving any evidence. I want to be able to kick box carefree! So we found a townhouse and now we’re doing the ultimate exercise: the move. Lugging boxes up and down stairs and rearranging furniture will get your biceps a burnin’ and your tush a tremblin’. Despite the studly cardio workout I’ll get, moving is nevertheless a gigantic pain in the ass.
Needless to say, I’ve got a lot on my plate and I’m just trying to keep my head above water and not lose it altogether. I’m proud of myself for squeaking in some exercise. I took advantage of the one sunny day we had this week and I walked the mile to the gym, worked out for an hour, and walked back. My thighs are still burning from the 800 lunges I did. Now if I could just stop reaching for the tortilla chips every time I think about the hundreds of papers I’ll be grading on a daily basis. My goal for this week is to keep my cool, not panic, and take everything in stride. Oh, and to stop bingeing like a hippopotamus. Wish me luck!
So I’m a wee bit stressed, a little gun shy, and this week was a lot of decision making about where to live. Our apartment is a bit on the small side, we’re running out of space, and I’m pretty sure that every time I exercise at home, the woman below us starts plotting how to murder me without leaving any evidence. I want to be able to kick box carefree! So we found a townhouse and now we’re doing the ultimate exercise: the move. Lugging boxes up and down stairs and rearranging furniture will get your biceps a burnin’ and your tush a tremblin’. Despite the studly cardio workout I’ll get, moving is nevertheless a gigantic pain in the ass.
Needless to say, I’ve got a lot on my plate and I’m just trying to keep my head above water and not lose it altogether. I’m proud of myself for squeaking in some exercise. I took advantage of the one sunny day we had this week and I walked the mile to the gym, worked out for an hour, and walked back. My thighs are still burning from the 800 lunges I did. Now if I could just stop reaching for the tortilla chips every time I think about the hundreds of papers I’ll be grading on a daily basis. My goal for this week is to keep my cool, not panic, and take everything in stride. Oh, and to stop bingeing like a hippopotamus. Wish me luck!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Fifteen Down, One Bajillion To Go!
Well, I did it! (Almost). My goal was to lose 3.9 pounds to hit my 15 lb. mark, and I lost 3.6, but I’m going to use the math skills I learned in about the third grade and round that bitch up! As my mom pointed out, one good poop and I’ve lost the extra three ounces. I worked hard this week; I stuck to the points pretty rigidly and busted out the P90X. I haven’t P90’d (is that a real verb?) since China, and then I had my workout buddies to encourage me. Or rather, tell me to stop being a pansy ass and stick it out. Either way it worked. On a side note, the main trainer and creator of P90, Tony Horton, gives me the heebie jeebies and I think he has a weird, aerobic fetish. When I’m working out, sweating, and smell the devil, I don’t want to hear the phrase, “Stretch this way or that way. Whatever turns you on.” Tony Horton, I want to make it clear to you that I am not turned on no matter which way I’m stretching. But creepo or not, he gets results, and it paid off this week. So I’m pretty proud of my 15 pounds, but I’ve still got a ways to go before my actual weight is the same as the number I lie about on my driver’s license. I admire people that are truthful at the DMV; although if you’re being honest, you’re probably super skinny, and in that case, I hate you just a tiny bit.
So to reward myself for my goal, I went for a shopping spree! I know I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to get my hair done, and go shopping, and have a big makeover, and yada yada yada, but I got overzealous. I went to Macy’s and bought a couple shirts on clearance (is there anything better than a good bargain?) and then I trotted on over to Maurices. Maurices has a special sentimentality to me because it was the only clothing store other than Fred Meyer in my Podunk college town. Whenever I failed a test, or broke up with a boyfriend, or had $20 to my name, I’d partake in some retail therapy at Maurices. So tonight I was befriended by the salesgirl, and like a true friend, she made me show her everything I tried on, and told me what looked good, and what made my boobs look squashy. And she introduced me to my new miracle item: the spank tank. (I just realized that sounds like a masturbatory reference, but indeed it is not). It’s a tank top that kind of acts like a pair of spanks by sucking in all your blubber and smoothing out the rolls and jiggles. Well after I found this gem, it opened up whole new worlds for me. My stomach thanks her but my bank account does not. But Jenna (I think that’s your name) if you are reading this, I appreciate all your help and advice about what makes my chesticles look the best. Tomorrow I will end the shopping spree with a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase some new unmentionables so I can toss out what Barrett calls my “homeless granny panties.” My question is how does he know what homeless grannies are wearing? Riddle me that!
So the next goal I have my eye on is the 20 pound mark, which is a pretty big accomplishment in my book. I want to think of something good for a reward, but I’m kind of out of ideas. I feel like a trip to Europe might be in order, but I have not the funds or a sugar daddy who wants to finance my excursion. I’ll add finding a sugar daddy to my list of things to do this week. If anyone has any ideas for a good treat, I’m all ears. But my real goal is to lose 7 pounds by my first weigh-in in May. I’ve had some setbacks over the last few weeks, so I want to keep the weight loss just a bit more consistent this month. I’ll be teaching full time, so it will be a bit of a challenge to work out regularly and not hit the cupcake stand every time a student is a jackass. But I think I can do it. I feel good, and I’m certainly dressed the part. So on that note, I wish everyone a phenomenal week, and a happy spring break!
So to reward myself for my goal, I went for a shopping spree! I know I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to get my hair done, and go shopping, and have a big makeover, and yada yada yada, but I got overzealous. I went to Macy’s and bought a couple shirts on clearance (is there anything better than a good bargain?) and then I trotted on over to Maurices. Maurices has a special sentimentality to me because it was the only clothing store other than Fred Meyer in my Podunk college town. Whenever I failed a test, or broke up with a boyfriend, or had $20 to my name, I’d partake in some retail therapy at Maurices. So tonight I was befriended by the salesgirl, and like a true friend, she made me show her everything I tried on, and told me what looked good, and what made my boobs look squashy. And she introduced me to my new miracle item: the spank tank. (I just realized that sounds like a masturbatory reference, but indeed it is not). It’s a tank top that kind of acts like a pair of spanks by sucking in all your blubber and smoothing out the rolls and jiggles. Well after I found this gem, it opened up whole new worlds for me. My stomach thanks her but my bank account does not. But Jenna (I think that’s your name) if you are reading this, I appreciate all your help and advice about what makes my chesticles look the best. Tomorrow I will end the shopping spree with a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase some new unmentionables so I can toss out what Barrett calls my “homeless granny panties.” My question is how does he know what homeless grannies are wearing? Riddle me that!
So the next goal I have my eye on is the 20 pound mark, which is a pretty big accomplishment in my book. I want to think of something good for a reward, but I’m kind of out of ideas. I feel like a trip to Europe might be in order, but I have not the funds or a sugar daddy who wants to finance my excursion. I’ll add finding a sugar daddy to my list of things to do this week. If anyone has any ideas for a good treat, I’m all ears. But my real goal is to lose 7 pounds by my first weigh-in in May. I’ve had some setbacks over the last few weeks, so I want to keep the weight loss just a bit more consistent this month. I’ll be teaching full time, so it will be a bit of a challenge to work out regularly and not hit the cupcake stand every time a student is a jackass. But I think I can do it. I feel good, and I’m certainly dressed the part. So on that note, I wish everyone a phenomenal week, and a happy spring break!
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Incentive
Well, it’s official. I can no longer pretend to be in my early-mid twenties. I’ve entered the “Late Twenties Zone.” My boobs have dipped further south, my feet hurt, I got my first cavity, and people have started saying things like, “This is a good age to have babies.” Oy! And apparently I’ve become Jewish. Yet somehow, in the past 6 days, I feel as if I’ve become wiser. I’m getting wrinkles between my eyebrows which make me look like a distinguished thinker, and I actually folded my laundry yesterday instead of picking pieces out of the dryer on an as-needed basis. You see that? Growth. Maybe 27 will be a good year after all.
You know what I have learned this week? It’s not as easy as I thought it would be to dive back into my healthy routine after my vacation to Calorie Land. The multi-grain cereals and steamed veggies just weren’t really cutting it for me this week. I refer to this past week as my, um, “transitional week.” It wasn’t as bad as the week before, but I wouldn’t exactly brag about it either. I didn’t undo any of the previous week’s damage, but stayed the same. Did I mention I gained a pound and a half back the week before this one? Yikes! So now I’m back down to an eleven pound loss, which is a little disappointing. But I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist! (Apparently I’m now Jewish and from England). Last night I had a good pep talk with myself (I find I can be very motivational) and I made a game plan for this week. No messing around. It’s time to go big or go home. I have 3.9 pounds to lose to reach my 15 pound goal, and I’m going to do my damndest to make sure it happens by next Tuesday.
Why Tuesday, you ask? Good question. I’ve had a hair appointment booked for a while and it so happens to fall on next Tuesday. I’m going for a new look. I’m chopping off a couple inches, going for the swoop bangs, dying it darker; the whole shebang. So I thought to myself, what if I could make this an entire day of transformation: get my new clothes, a pedicure, and wax these caterpillars I call eyebrows! It would be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the hooker thing. Only problem is, I told myself no new clothes until I hit the 15 pound mark. Cue motivation. If the girls on the Biggest Loser can lose 15 pounds a week, I can lose 3.9! They might have the advantage of personal trainers and a calculated meal plan, but I have the incentive of a makeover.* Moving right along, I’ve created an intense workout plan for myself this week and am also following Weight Watchers to the letter! There will be no extra points consumed by this lady this week! Even though as I’m writing this all I can think about is one of those mini deserts from Starbucks, I’m resisting. Because after all, I’ve hit my point limit for the day, and I don’t need to spend $1.50 on a three bite treat. Damn you Starbucks and your delectable, miniature morsels!
So that’s the plan and I’m sticking to it. And in the spirit of my 27th year on earth, I decided there were other things I wanted to do as well. I am now taking Spanish lessons because it’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, and I’m trying to branch out more and try new things. I just found a teahouse in Portland that I’m gaga over, and I’m reading a book about French cooking. Look at this girl, broadening her horizons! So wish me luck this week, because this one’s for all the superficial marbles. Hasta luego!
*And on a side note, the Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels gets a lot of flak for being a bitch. But I’d like to say in her defense that she’s the bitch who cares. And she gets results! If you’ve ever tried her 30 Day Shred you know what I’m talking about.
You know what I have learned this week? It’s not as easy as I thought it would be to dive back into my healthy routine after my vacation to Calorie Land. The multi-grain cereals and steamed veggies just weren’t really cutting it for me this week. I refer to this past week as my, um, “transitional week.” It wasn’t as bad as the week before, but I wouldn’t exactly brag about it either. I didn’t undo any of the previous week’s damage, but stayed the same. Did I mention I gained a pound and a half back the week before this one? Yikes! So now I’m back down to an eleven pound loss, which is a little disappointing. But I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist! (Apparently I’m now Jewish and from England). Last night I had a good pep talk with myself (I find I can be very motivational) and I made a game plan for this week. No messing around. It’s time to go big or go home. I have 3.9 pounds to lose to reach my 15 pound goal, and I’m going to do my damndest to make sure it happens by next Tuesday.
Why Tuesday, you ask? Good question. I’ve had a hair appointment booked for a while and it so happens to fall on next Tuesday. I’m going for a new look. I’m chopping off a couple inches, going for the swoop bangs, dying it darker; the whole shebang. So I thought to myself, what if I could make this an entire day of transformation: get my new clothes, a pedicure, and wax these caterpillars I call eyebrows! It would be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the hooker thing. Only problem is, I told myself no new clothes until I hit the 15 pound mark. Cue motivation. If the girls on the Biggest Loser can lose 15 pounds a week, I can lose 3.9! They might have the advantage of personal trainers and a calculated meal plan, but I have the incentive of a makeover.* Moving right along, I’ve created an intense workout plan for myself this week and am also following Weight Watchers to the letter! There will be no extra points consumed by this lady this week! Even though as I’m writing this all I can think about is one of those mini deserts from Starbucks, I’m resisting. Because after all, I’ve hit my point limit for the day, and I don’t need to spend $1.50 on a three bite treat. Damn you Starbucks and your delectable, miniature morsels!
So that’s the plan and I’m sticking to it. And in the spirit of my 27th year on earth, I decided there were other things I wanted to do as well. I am now taking Spanish lessons because it’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, and I’m trying to branch out more and try new things. I just found a teahouse in Portland that I’m gaga over, and I’m reading a book about French cooking. Look at this girl, broadening her horizons! So wish me luck this week, because this one’s for all the superficial marbles. Hasta luego!
*And on a side note, the Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels gets a lot of flak for being a bitch. But I’d like to say in her defense that she’s the bitch who cares. And she gets results! If you’ve ever tried her 30 Day Shred you know what I’m talking about.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Surrender
There are some weeks you know you’ve been set up to fail; weeks that are so full of obstacles, you know you can’t avoid the landmines. This was one of those weeks. Even last week as I was writing my triumphant blog, I knew that this week I was going to beef up like a high school wrestling team. And what obstacles, you might ask yourself, was I facing this week? Well let’s just see. St. Patrick’s Day? Yep. Anniversary? Check. Girls night? You betcha. Two birthday celebrations for yours truly? Why, yes indeed. And what do all these events have in common? If you guessed food and liquor, ding ding ding! Step right up and receive the grand prize! And what do we have for them, Johnny? More junk in Emily’s trunk and some extra cushion for the pushin’.
So this was a week full of Thai food, cupcakes, and booze. (Oh my!) Now, at the start of this week, I realized I had two choices. First, I could be sensible and keep track of my Weight Watcher points and indulge the tiniest bit on a couple of occasions. Second, I could abandon Weight Watchers completely, enjoy the hell out of it, and tell moderation to piss off for a week or so. I chose the latter. I won’t lie to you; the scale wasn’t very pretty come Monday morning, but I guarantee you I enjoyed every freaking second. I drank too much beer on St. Patrick’s Day, I feasted on Thai food not once, but twice this week, and I ate the crap out of my birthday cupcakes. I don’t even feel guilty about it. My philosophy is everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes, you just need to dive into those landmines and realize that sensibility can go on hiatus for seven days. I squeezed a couple of workouts in this week, but not enough to offset the damage. And I’m OK with that. To be honest, this week of indulgence was just that: a week of indulgence. I used to eat like this all the time, and funnily enough, it’s actually quite nice to get back to my healthy routine. But I tell you, if I couldn’t take a vacation from it every once in a while, I think I’d be a mad, raving bitch. (No comments from the peanut gallery!)
My intention was to start the week off truly right, with a hardcore workout, but instead, I’ve been moping around and whining to anyone who will listen about the pain of my very first cavity. Today, March 21, 2011 marks the day of my very first filling. I made it almost 27 years without a cavity, but my streak ended today in a blaze of tears and drool. The only perk was the laughing gas (which might have even been better than all the liquor I consumed this week) and the speech impediment I had for the couple hours afterward. But when the Novocain wore off and I could pronounce my R’s again, the pain sunk in and it’s been hurting ever freaking since! I’ve deemed myself too physically and emotionally distraught, so I’m going to lie on the couch and whine while eating soft, room temperature foods. Shut up, it hurts. But bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, I’ll be sweating with the best of ‘em. So happy spring everyone (not that you could tell in stupid Washington) and have a fantastic week!
So this was a week full of Thai food, cupcakes, and booze. (Oh my!) Now, at the start of this week, I realized I had two choices. First, I could be sensible and keep track of my Weight Watcher points and indulge the tiniest bit on a couple of occasions. Second, I could abandon Weight Watchers completely, enjoy the hell out of it, and tell moderation to piss off for a week or so. I chose the latter. I won’t lie to you; the scale wasn’t very pretty come Monday morning, but I guarantee you I enjoyed every freaking second. I drank too much beer on St. Patrick’s Day, I feasted on Thai food not once, but twice this week, and I ate the crap out of my birthday cupcakes. I don’t even feel guilty about it. My philosophy is everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes, you just need to dive into those landmines and realize that sensibility can go on hiatus for seven days. I squeezed a couple of workouts in this week, but not enough to offset the damage. And I’m OK with that. To be honest, this week of indulgence was just that: a week of indulgence. I used to eat like this all the time, and funnily enough, it’s actually quite nice to get back to my healthy routine. But I tell you, if I couldn’t take a vacation from it every once in a while, I think I’d be a mad, raving bitch. (No comments from the peanut gallery!)
My intention was to start the week off truly right, with a hardcore workout, but instead, I’ve been moping around and whining to anyone who will listen about the pain of my very first cavity. Today, March 21, 2011 marks the day of my very first filling. I made it almost 27 years without a cavity, but my streak ended today in a blaze of tears and drool. The only perk was the laughing gas (which might have even been better than all the liquor I consumed this week) and the speech impediment I had for the couple hours afterward. But when the Novocain wore off and I could pronounce my R’s again, the pain sunk in and it’s been hurting ever freaking since! I’ve deemed myself too physically and emotionally distraught, so I’m going to lie on the couch and whine while eating soft, room temperature foods. Shut up, it hurts. But bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, I’ll be sweating with the best of ‘em. So happy spring everyone (not that you could tell in stupid Washington) and have a fantastic week!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Got Jesus on My Neck-o-lace-ace-ace
So it’s been a pretty rockin’ week! I’m down 2.3 pounds, bringing up the total to almost 13 big ones. I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself! Slow and steady wins the race, and I’m just happy that I’m still on the course. I’ve attempted some weight loss stints before, but after a month or two, I tend to veer off track and get distracted by something shiny. But look at me, sticking it out and being awesome. I made it to the gym five times this week: a circuit class, a spin class, TWO Zumba classes, and a walk/jog on the treadmill. I actually jogged a total of 9 minutes out of 30 – this may be no big deal to some of you, but in the past, I would have sacrificed a small puppy if it got me out of running. I hate running. I hate it more than when people mix up the words good and well, and if you know me at all, you know bad grammar makes me want to stab someone. There’s something truly evil about running; in the past, I used to get winded after about 30 seconds. This is not one of those exaggerated statements like when people say, “I ate a million cupcakes.” No joke, after 30 seconds of running I’d usually be keeled over and ready to pass out. So when I got off that treadmill last night, huffing and puffing, beat red and loaded with pit stains, it was the proudest I’ve been of myself in a long time.
I wish I could take all the credit for my awesome week, but there was a greater force at work, and her name is Kesha. I know she spells her name with a fucking dollar sign in the middle, but that’s dumb and I won’t do it. I have a love/hate relationship with this pop star – mostly, I love her stupid songs and I hate myself because of it. It’s true that she’s trashy and looks like she needs a shower ALL THE TIME, but I defy anyone not to shake their groove thing when “Tik Tok” comes on the radio. I’ve had her music on repeat all week and I find myself dancing in the car, when I’m washing the dishes, and in between classes. I can’t stop. When I’m listening to her music, I want to work out faster and harder. There’s something about her that just fills me with energy (and self loathing), but mostly the energy thing. So I’d like to tribute these 2.3 pounds to Kesha and the rest of the artists on my new playlist. I’m going to let you in on my workout playlist, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t rock your world like it did mine. I’m pretty sure that if everyone had this playlist, the diet industry would be obsolete. It’s that good.
Emily’s Rockin’ Playlist of Awesomeness
1.Kesha – Tik Tok
2.Cee Lo Green – Fuck You (There’s a more PG version if you’re offended by the
word 'fuck')
3.System of a Down – Toxicity
4.Michael Jackson – Beat It
5.Queen – Fat Bottom Girls
6.Rihanna – Please don’t stop the Music
7.Incubus – Anna Molly
8.Kesha – We are who we are
9.Foo Fighters – Best of You
10.Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
11.Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine
12.Usher – Caught Up
13.Wicked Soundtrack – Defying Gravity (don’t knock it; musicals are awesome)
14.Akon – Smack That (this one’s for you, Meg)
15.Beach Boys – Wouldn’t it be Nice
So that’s my brainchild of a playlist. If you have a better one, (good luck), I’d love to get suggestions. That’s all I’ve got for you today, so have a splendid week and go shake what your mama gave you!
* On a random and unrelated note, if you want a reference for some fantastic recipes and reviews, check out my friend Julie’s blog: www.subtleseasonings.com
I wish I could take all the credit for my awesome week, but there was a greater force at work, and her name is Kesha. I know she spells her name with a fucking dollar sign in the middle, but that’s dumb and I won’t do it. I have a love/hate relationship with this pop star – mostly, I love her stupid songs and I hate myself because of it. It’s true that she’s trashy and looks like she needs a shower ALL THE TIME, but I defy anyone not to shake their groove thing when “Tik Tok” comes on the radio. I’ve had her music on repeat all week and I find myself dancing in the car, when I’m washing the dishes, and in between classes. I can’t stop. When I’m listening to her music, I want to work out faster and harder. There’s something about her that just fills me with energy (and self loathing), but mostly the energy thing. So I’d like to tribute these 2.3 pounds to Kesha and the rest of the artists on my new playlist. I’m going to let you in on my workout playlist, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t rock your world like it did mine. I’m pretty sure that if everyone had this playlist, the diet industry would be obsolete. It’s that good.
Emily’s Rockin’ Playlist of Awesomeness
1.Kesha – Tik Tok
2.Cee Lo Green – Fuck You (There’s a more PG version if you’re offended by the
word 'fuck')
3.System of a Down – Toxicity
4.Michael Jackson – Beat It
5.Queen – Fat Bottom Girls
6.Rihanna – Please don’t stop the Music
7.Incubus – Anna Molly
8.Kesha – We are who we are
9.Foo Fighters – Best of You
10.Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
11.Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine
12.Usher – Caught Up
13.Wicked Soundtrack – Defying Gravity (don’t knock it; musicals are awesome)
14.Akon – Smack That (this one’s for you, Meg)
15.Beach Boys – Wouldn’t it be Nice
So that’s my brainchild of a playlist. If you have a better one, (good luck), I’d love to get suggestions. That’s all I’ve got for you today, so have a splendid week and go shake what your mama gave you!
* On a random and unrelated note, if you want a reference for some fantastic recipes and reviews, check out my friend Julie’s blog: www.subtleseasonings.com
Monday, March 7, 2011
Now That's What I'm Talkin' About!
3.1 pounds this week…you know what that means!!!! I’m going to be rockin’ my new Jessica Simpson ghetto fabulous necklace as soon as I can get my booty to the mall! I live just up the street from the mall, but if I drag my sorry behind to Portland I don’t have to pay sales tax! But then I probably just spent all the money I saved on gas money, so that’s a conundrum for another day. It was a good week this week! I’m actually starting to look forward to exercising, go figure. What used to be the bane of my existence is now moderately addicting…I did not see that coming.
This week, I revisited good old Cardioke (I haven’t gotten any better at that whatsoever) and I also tried Zumba for the first time! It rocked my world and shook my ass from side to side. Zumba is complicated though…so many steps, so mine was more like interpretive/freestyle Zumba. Either way, I sweat up a storm. Luckily for me, most of the people in the class were having just as much trouble as I was following the moves, except for this one slut in a pink pantsuit. She had it down perfectly, and not in the humble-I-just-really-love-to-zumba way. She was rockin’ in perfect rhythm with this superior-I-can-Zumba-better-than-you-without-even-trying look on her face. If our instructor isn’t kicking that high, why are you!?!? When I relayed this information to Barrett, he did not empathize and lectured me about how I shouldn’t rank on other people for trying to get the most out of their workouts. He might have a point. But if people look good while working out, I maintain I have the right to call them dumb sluts.
Moving right along, it’s a good thing I did lose some weight this week because I had started to go into panic mode after stagnant scale last week. I was furiously searching Google for reasons as to why I hadn’t lost and what kinds of diseases prevented people from losing weight. I had convinced myself that I had thyroid disease and a special fat retaining disorder. I had concluded that if I didn’t lose any weight this week, I was going to have to come up with more drastic measures to lose weight. These are the top five I came up with:
1. Fill up my gas tank and then have to starve because I have no leftover money for
food
2.Cut off my own leg
3.Parasitic intestinal worms
4.Picture my grandparents doing the dirty every time I eat and therefore lose all
will to eat and live
5.Poor man’s liposuction: make an incision in my belly button, insert a vacuum hose
and just go to town
So luckily for me, the week went well and all my limbs are intact. But there’s a lot of pressure to lose weight this month. The month of March is my last “month of freedom” if you will. One of the perks of being a substitute teacher, aside from the AMAZING salary, is that you don’t have to work if you don’t want to. Or you can choose to work half days. And there are no papers to grade. And if kids are assholes, you don’t ever have to see them again. Life is pretty stress free. Oh, and I just want to make sure you knew I was kidding about the salary thing; the poverty line would be a step up for me. But next month, I’m trading in my substitute shoes for my long term substitute shoes.
I’m taking over English classes at the high school for a couple of months while a teacher goes on paternity leave. So this is my last month with some free time on my hands to keep regular workouts without worrying about lessons to plan and tests to grade. But more importantly, high school kids are brutal, and I don’t need my double chin to give them anymore ammunition. In the words of Will.I.am, “I’ve got to move it, move it.” On the agenda for this week: circuit class, spinning class, Zumba, and more awesomeness from Exercise on Demand! The sooner I get to my 15 pound mark, the sooner I can buy a couple new outfits! And thank God, because these $5 Old Navy t-shirts have seen better days. That’s all for now; be sure to tune in next week!
This week, I revisited good old Cardioke (I haven’t gotten any better at that whatsoever) and I also tried Zumba for the first time! It rocked my world and shook my ass from side to side. Zumba is complicated though…so many steps, so mine was more like interpretive/freestyle Zumba. Either way, I sweat up a storm. Luckily for me, most of the people in the class were having just as much trouble as I was following the moves, except for this one slut in a pink pantsuit. She had it down perfectly, and not in the humble-I-just-really-love-to-zumba way. She was rockin’ in perfect rhythm with this superior-I-can-Zumba-better-than-you-without-even-trying look on her face. If our instructor isn’t kicking that high, why are you!?!? When I relayed this information to Barrett, he did not empathize and lectured me about how I shouldn’t rank on other people for trying to get the most out of their workouts. He might have a point. But if people look good while working out, I maintain I have the right to call them dumb sluts.
Moving right along, it’s a good thing I did lose some weight this week because I had started to go into panic mode after stagnant scale last week. I was furiously searching Google for reasons as to why I hadn’t lost and what kinds of diseases prevented people from losing weight. I had convinced myself that I had thyroid disease and a special fat retaining disorder. I had concluded that if I didn’t lose any weight this week, I was going to have to come up with more drastic measures to lose weight. These are the top five I came up with:
1. Fill up my gas tank and then have to starve because I have no leftover money for
food
2.Cut off my own leg
3.Parasitic intestinal worms
4.Picture my grandparents doing the dirty every time I eat and therefore lose all
will to eat and live
5.Poor man’s liposuction: make an incision in my belly button, insert a vacuum hose
and just go to town
So luckily for me, the week went well and all my limbs are intact. But there’s a lot of pressure to lose weight this month. The month of March is my last “month of freedom” if you will. One of the perks of being a substitute teacher, aside from the AMAZING salary, is that you don’t have to work if you don’t want to. Or you can choose to work half days. And there are no papers to grade. And if kids are assholes, you don’t ever have to see them again. Life is pretty stress free. Oh, and I just want to make sure you knew I was kidding about the salary thing; the poverty line would be a step up for me. But next month, I’m trading in my substitute shoes for my long term substitute shoes.
I’m taking over English classes at the high school for a couple of months while a teacher goes on paternity leave. So this is my last month with some free time on my hands to keep regular workouts without worrying about lessons to plan and tests to grade. But more importantly, high school kids are brutal, and I don’t need my double chin to give them anymore ammunition. In the words of Will.I.am, “I’ve got to move it, move it.” On the agenda for this week: circuit class, spinning class, Zumba, and more awesomeness from Exercise on Demand! The sooner I get to my 15 pound mark, the sooner I can buy a couple new outfits! And thank God, because these $5 Old Navy t-shirts have seen better days. That’s all for now; be sure to tune in next week!
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