Fifteen Down, One Bajillion To Go!

Well, I did it! (Almost). My goal was to lose 3.9 pounds to hit my 15 lb. mark, and I lost 3.6, but I’m going to use the math skills I learned in about the third grade and round that bitch up! As my mom pointed out, one good poop and I’ve lost the extra three ounces. I worked hard this week; I stuck to the points pretty rigidly and busted out the P90X. I haven’t P90’d (is that a real verb?) since China, and then I had my workout buddies to encourage me. Or rather, tell me to stop being a pansy ass and stick it out. Either way it worked. On a side note, the main trainer and creator of P90, Tony Horton, gives me the heebie jeebies and I think he has a weird, aerobic fetish. When I’m working out, sweating, and smell the devil, I don’t want to hear the phrase, “Stretch this way or that way. Whatever turns you on.” Tony Horton, I want to make it clear to you that I am not turned on no matter which way I’m stretching. But creepo or not, he gets results, and it paid off this week. So I’m pretty proud of my 15 pounds, but I’ve still got a ways to go before my actual weight is the same as the number I lie about on my driver’s license. I admire people that are truthful at the DMV; although if you’re being honest, you’re probably super skinny, and in that case, I hate you just a tiny bit.

So to reward myself for my goal, I went for a shopping spree! I know I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to get my hair done, and go shopping, and have a big makeover, and yada yada yada, but I got overzealous. I went to Macy’s and bought a couple shirts on clearance (is there anything better than a good bargain?) and then I trotted on over to Maurices. Maurices has a special sentimentality to me because it was the only clothing store other than Fred Meyer in my Podunk college town. Whenever I failed a test, or broke up with a boyfriend, or had $20 to my name, I’d partake in some retail therapy at Maurices. So tonight I was befriended by the salesgirl, and like a true friend, she made me show her everything I tried on, and told me what looked good, and what made my boobs look squashy. And she introduced me to my new miracle item: the spank tank. (I just realized that sounds like a masturbatory reference, but indeed it is not). It’s a tank top that kind of acts like a pair of spanks by sucking in all your blubber and smoothing out the rolls and jiggles. Well after I found this gem, it opened up whole new worlds for me. My stomach thanks her but my bank account does not. But Jenna (I think that’s your name) if you are reading this, I appreciate all your help and advice about what makes my chesticles look the best. Tomorrow I will end the shopping spree with a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase some new unmentionables so I can toss out what Barrett calls my “homeless granny panties.” My question is how does he know what homeless grannies are wearing? Riddle me that!

So the next goal I have my eye on is the 20 pound mark, which is a pretty big accomplishment in my book. I want to think of something good for a reward, but I’m kind of out of ideas. I feel like a trip to Europe might be in order, but I have not the funds or a sugar daddy who wants to finance my excursion. I’ll add finding a sugar daddy to my list of things to do this week. If anyone has any ideas for a good treat, I’m all ears. But my real goal is to lose 7 pounds by my first weigh-in in May. I’ve had some setbacks over the last few weeks, so I want to keep the weight loss just a bit more consistent this month. I’ll be teaching full time, so it will be a bit of a challenge to work out regularly and not hit the cupcake stand every time a student is a jackass. But I think I can do it. I feel good, and I’m certainly dressed the part. So on that note, I wish everyone a phenomenal week, and a happy spring break!