"The Carlton"

Holllaaaaaaaaa!!! This chick is back in business – weight gain damage from last week has been undone, and just in time! I was invited to be Barrett’s plus one at a swanky charity benefit for MS and the children’s hospital. Getting all dressed up for a good cause??? Heck yes! And you want me to drink free liquor all night? Anything for charity!

So since the only dresses I own are of the bridesmaid and prom nature, I had to go shopping for cocktail attire. I tried on a few dresses that made my ass like 8 x larger than normal (well at least I hope it just “appeared” that way) and one that looked like a nightgown, but I eventually found a cute gray one that wasn’t too clingy but didn’t look like a maternity mumu. Add on a funky belt and a little sweater (still not quite ready to expose my flabby underarms to the world) and come-fuck-me heels and I was ready to rock and roll! Although I regretted the shoe choice about 8 seconds into the evening.

Aside from the dresses, I had some prep work to do. There were going to be celebrities at this thing…this is no time to forget my A game . True, I had no idea who most of these celebrities were going to be, but a famous person is still famous! Is that shallow? Probably. But that still means I had to shave my legs, and not in the quick-out the door-it-doesn’t-matter-if-I-skip-the-knees way. Also, I’m pasty-like, albino pasty. In order to avoid the whole cancer in a box thing, I used a self tanner that SWORE it wouldn’t turn out streaky. Now I just look like I have strange birthmarks and orange skin deformities. Oddly enough, I think even that looks better than my Casper colored legs. AND….I cut off about 3 pounds worth of hair (or about 4 inches...same diff) so my head doesn’t feel like it’s growing a weird mutant tail. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look white-trash ghetto with long hair. So all in all, I felt like a brand new woman and ready to take these celebrities by the balls! Or something less offensive…

I learned something about myself at this event. I CANNOT keep my cool around celebrities. It doesn’t even matter if I knew who they were, I still lost my shit. And I’d make up lies. I have no idea why, but bullshit just came spewing out of my mouth. I told Ken Griffey Jr. that I grew up with his poster on my wall and that he was my hero. False. I told Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air that I performed the “Carlton dance” at my elementary school talent show. Negatory. I told multiple athletes that I actually knew who they were and that I was a big fan. Lies…all lies. Although I did talk to an NFL quarterback about the discomfort of women’s shoes – no lies there! So…I’m not sure if it was my fourth lemon drop or just the excitement of celebrity mania, but I’m a deceitful weirdo and cannot be trusted to be around famous people! P.S. I saw Daniel Baldwin drive away in a minivan. Bwahahahahahaha!

So…um, I meant to sum up the benefit in a paragraph because it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with weight loss, but we will just consider this one giant tangent. I’m still shopping around for bikes so I can be a cool cycling lady, and I’ve mapped out an awesome week’s worth of workouts. So I’m taking my streaky orange behind outside (because there might actually be some sun this week) and do some hikes and get out of the gym! I’m ready to rock and roll!